Lady of the Flies

Hey folks.

Do you ever feel that there is a deep and honest singularity to the universe sometimes that is obviously based upon a coincidence, but it makes you feel like you are so in touch with the cultural conversation and you want so desperately for scientists  to preserve your brain for millennia in order to study how f@cking brilliant you are, or at the very least, how it's possible for a human to conflate minor coincidences into messages from the beyond? Me neither. Well okay, I did this week.

I just finished reading "Lord of the Flies," because, well, I don't need a reason. It's a classic. It's such a smooth, interesting read that explores society, male socialization, violence, tribalism peer-pressure, and bullying among many other themes, through the eyes of a group of private-schooled English boys.  imagine my serendipitous surprise when I see that they are planning a Gender-bended remake of William Golding's delightfully deconstructable novel found in most 9th grade English curriculums.      

Gender is now, apparently meaningless. Creators want to pander to feminists who don't understand feminism, with their own warped, capricious version of feminist pandering .
This is yet another appallingly lazy co-opting of an established cultural narrative that actually does more harm to the feminist cause than good. There is no need for this film to exist other than to say "we don't understand the point of this story." The implications of this new project is that every plot point, every masculine trait, every petty pissing contest, every inclination to suppress ones feelings for the good of the conch-shell, and the fire, and the prospect of being rescued, every pig slaughtering tribal dance, and instinctual desire to hunt and kill...that would all just be so very similar in the context of 2017 with a group of females. It's completely disingenuous and, by design, against everything we humans tend to understand about natural socialization.

The desperately hilarious part of all this gender-bending (inherently harmless, unless of course you are remaking a film that's entire purpose and structure is commenting on a specific gender) is that a man is going to direct this movie to better bring us the vision of what Lord of the Flies from a female perspective would be.

SO in case you keeping score, this movie, on top of ruining a classic piece of literature, misrepresenting biological and widely understood social behavior in order to depict females inaccurately exhibiting said behavior. This is all for the sake, of course of girlz being #bad@ss #vengeful #empowered, and in case you couldn't wait to bathe in the feminine glory of exploiting literature in order to make a cash-grabbing crudfest with no point, well rest assured that this will all be done carefully with two males at the helm. Talk about mansplaining.

For a good laugh, here's 
the New Yorker taking the piss out of the lost conceptual guidance of this laughably bad idea.

Would there even be a character called Piggy? They'd obviously be socially aware of the fat-shaming implications wouldn't they? They'd probably just call her "Thyroid Problem" or "Big Bone," or "Stop it Karen you aren't fat at all and your asmar is just the Patriarchy giving you limitations." Oh well. Not like those details are important.

Let me be clear. If you wanted to make a story about women crashing on an uninhibited island and dealing with the trauma, do it, that might be interesting or an idea worth exploring (negating the fact that you probably have only male screenwriters at the helm.) But don't call it LORD of the Flies, you ignorant pussbag. How in the hell did they even obtain the creative license for this? I'm beyond confused.

 This is just another instance of attention-grabbing, post-modern drudgery leaking into the mainstream.
But. I haven't seen the film yet. So. Who knows. Maybe it'll be a brilliant piece of satire and I'll happily shut the eff up. I just...I just so doubt it.

Final thought: Lady of the Flies is actually just the story of how Themyscira
is formed and we get to watch Gal Gadot prance around with her #empowered lady bits on display again. Yes, I'm all for more of that just as long as Patty Jenkens is signed on because she knows how to create sympathetic females characters.

Anyways, Stay tuned for next year's release of The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo.


-CjM

Episode 7 Review

        Hey folks!!! Here we are at the end of season 7 already. It seemed to fly by this year...I don't know why it seemed so short but-- oh *ahem* right. Well we've come to a close with the longest episode in game of thrones history and you know what? It really didn't feel like it. There were so many reunions to have, plots to tie up, it seemed to fly by at an alarming pace. But here we are, with winter upon us and (it would seem) we may have to wait two whole years to tie this all up! I'm so conflicted about this I don't know where to begin, WRITE GEORGE, WRITE LIKE THE WIND! Anyways... let's go over this packed season finale episode...

        Open up on my man GW and his Unsullied forces outside of King's Landing. They are joined by the Dothraki Horde and Bronn and Jaime are chatting about what life would be like without a cock. Oh the pain. I am a sucker for the banter, however intentionally low-brow. Then we get a nice look at Euron's fleet who has returned from their voyage around the continent apparently. So both Unsullied and Greyjoy army just gave up Casterly Rock I guess? What was the purpose of the barricade? How is Greyworm doing? Is Missandei glad to know the Unsullied are alive? Oh well. Speaking of cockless, hey, it's Theon and Varys! They're on a boat to KL with Tyrion and they're all congregating around the Dragon pit to get on with this ridiculous zombie heist plot. They've brought all their armies, they're showing all their forces, so now there are some stakes in case things go awry. Now all the major players are together in one place including Tyrion, Bronn, Pod, The Hound, Brienne, Jon, Theon, Jorah, Davos, and more. They are, in case we need reminding, there to convince Cersei that the army of the dead is a threat to the living. I don't know why they need for Cersei to help, but since when has any of this needed to be logical.

 Highlights of this opening segment:

"There's more work in the city, and the brothels are far superior." Amen, Tyrion.

Tyrion, Bronn, and Pod all reconnect and it's a lovely reunion and it touched my inner fanboy to see them all together.

The Hound and Brienne meet eyes and speak concerning Arya which was nice. They are in mutual admiration for each other and again my inner fanboy squirmed around remembering times when this show told stories rather than did ...whatever they are about to do.

THE DRAGONPIT.
        Lol at Bronn playing escort and then stealing someone else's squire to get the hell off set because he and Lena Heady have it in their contracts to never be in the same scene together. Still not the worst instance of GoT having characters suddenly need to be someplace else entirely from moment to moment.
        Cersei's entrance hymn then starts playing and all the other wrestlers in the ring know she's about to come through with her gown from Hot Topic, also with Jaime kowtowed behind, and Euron as his typical cocky Brojoy self.
        Then we get this awful fan service scene with the Hound and Ser Gregor and it's so clumsy and not needed. A simple look between the two would have served fine. Suddenly (as if anyone couldn't predict it) Dany comes flying in to the Dragon pit. Here she is to strike fear in the hearts of...oh, awkward, nobody really seems afraid of these giant atomic lizards flying around. It's just a casual waste of CGI to remind everyone how bad@ss Dany is without her having to open her mouth and remind what a bland character she's become. Let's get this meeting underway. Everyone present and accounted for? Good.
        Euron has an outburst and then all the major players get to bounce back a few pithy lines before they bring out the dead (Monty Python reference for those of you who care). So the zombie pops out of the box with a nice jump scare. "We can destroy them with fire or we can destroy them with dragon class." says Jon. "There is only one war that matters, the Great War, and it is here." So all that Winter is Coming Stark nonsense that made all the northerners sound like suspicious coots finally has some validity to the southern knights of summer. About damn time.
        Euron is apparently too afraid to deal with this and he bounces, Jon has a moment of prideful arrogance and announces public fealty to Dany. It doesn't end well. Cersei leaves and refuses to help the "side of the living," and then Tyrion decides to take it upon himself to sway her so this way we can actually get some quality scenes in with character building and emotion and that type of thing.

Tyrion and Jaime: "I suppose we should say goodbye one idiot to another"

KING'S LANDING

        Tyrion approaches Cersei. Their exchanges are always some of the best this show has ever had to offer and it was an exchange well worthy of these two brilliant actors. Though it was undercut with this feigned sense of danger that just didn't need to be there. When you are having your characters talk about "oh this is dangerous I'm gonna die," they probably aren't. Did anyone think that Tyrion's plot armor could possibly be penetrated in those moments? That aside this scene was old school Game of Thrones power play with two wonderful actors exchanging soliloquies and insults and are very clearly hiding their true intentions from one another.
        So Cersei comes out and changes her mind, she's going to send her armies North to Winterfell. So we basically farted around for 10 minutes just for a false sense of suspense. I did enjoy the Tyrion Cersei scene but, as par for this season goes, the payoff of her sudden mood swing made it feel contrived.
        Cut to Dany and Jon not being subtle at all about laying plot points of Dany possibly having children. Why would Jon have reason to doubt that Dany can't have kids? That's absolutely ridiculous. Also the show never expressly says she will never bear children again does it? Pretty sure the witch only ever said "only death can pay for life."
        Continuing our soap opera writing, Cersei gives us another dun dun dun plot twist and has actually made Euron go to Essos to hire the Golden Company and apparently never intended to send any troops north. She was just lying for the sake of lying. Anyways it's more telling rather than showing in this visual medium. No, no it's fine. Why didn't Cersei just send Euron to begin with? Why did Euron even show up at all to the meeting if he was going to Essos to hire the Golden company? Cersei could have just not revealed his whereabouts to her enemy and he could have left ages ago. I guess it was to fool Jaime and her commanders as well? So Jaime then tries to talk Cersei into her senses and we get an almost identical scene with Jaime as we did with Tyrion. Right down to the empty Sir Gregor threat; again, nobody thought Cersei would actually harm Jaime so we feel nothing. The thing that kills me the most is that this little tiny plot point is what sends Jaime to finally leave his sister...the fact that she threatened him and conspired with Euron. Not her coldness towards their dead children, not her tendency to blow up giant religious and historical landmarks and kill thousands of innocent people...It's the colluding with pirates.
        Well, they just needed him to get out of King's Landing and join "the good guys" so we can get a really cool shot of him riding solo with the snow falling on King's Landing and a boy's chorus humming melodies we recognize. It's well produced and the cinematography is astounding...but again, it's a very hallow character shift that should have been dealt with many episodes ago. If they had gone with the idea that Cersei claims the Sept blowing up was an "accident," or even that Dany and her dragons were somehow responsible, it might have worked, but Jaime sticking by her side this long withour us getting a hint of conflict from his character, and then him just buggering off...yeah, not good writing.
         Anyway, why is he putting a glove on his golden hand...gold doesn't rust, and it's not like he can feel it freeze I literally laughed aloud when they showed that. If it was symbolic of him "covering the shame of Lannister gold" or something...well it was lost in translation. I have a feeling I'm adding way too much subtext than that scene deserves though. Anyways, this is supposedly a triumphant moment for Jaime but it really falls flat. I want to feel something. I know I'm supposed to. PLEASE!

WINTERFELL

        Sansa is mad that Jon bends the knee. Littlefinger tries to plant more suspicions in her head. With all the machinations and surprisingly well crafted dialogue and the bombastic "dun dun dun!" music, I'm almost swept up into the drama of actually thinking Sansa might believe Arya to be betraying her. Well done. I mean Arya's been clearly out of character all season and I admittedly jumped to conclusions thinking they were going to pull some dumb crap with my Arya. Instead, I guess it was all some dumb ploy to...expose Littlefinger? But he hadn't been acting any different from how he's been acting the past 4 seasons so why now?
        Sansa stands up on the ramparts in a hoody for a really cool shot of winter in the north and then she demands Arya to come to the great hall. There are a lot of holes here. Did we miss a scene between Sansa and Arya because we sure as hell needed it. I don't buy this setup. One moment Arya was saying the creepiest sh!t imaginable to her sister and the next she's going to devise some false trial and turn it around on Littlefinger?
        Basically what happens next is they murdered a man with only hyperbole and hearsay to go off of. Without due process, they went off the words of children and slit his throat. "Give me a chance to defend myself." No, because vengeance from empowered women is bad@ss and false character acts and soap opera twists are way cooler. Won't the honorable Ned Stark be proud of his knife-happy daughters. "How do you answer these charges *turns to camera* LORD BAELISH." Yuck.
        You know, if you watched that scene out of context you'd think the Stark girls were evil. Think about it, a group of people in positions of power surrounding a man and sentencing him to death with not so much as a thought. I know the guy was a scumbag and a conniving little power-grabber, but how can you claim to be a more righteous person without giving him a fair shot at a trial? Littlefinger literally says "none of you were there" and then Bran just says another quote from season 1 but that doesn't actually mean anything. They can't just convict a man based on a magical teenager's visions that nobody else can see but him. Are there no prison cells in Winterfell? Ugh. Very disappointing, underwhelming and rushed ending to a beloved villain.
         Arya and Sansa had apparently became friends again off screen and are now reminding everyone how strong and capable they each are. I find myself wondering at this point, didn't Arya give Sansa the dagger? So how did Arya end up with the dagger again? Am I supposed to try and make sense of it or am I supposed to just stare at the snowscape from atop the parapets and feel stuff? If I abandon all reason and do that, I find myself almost moved by their reminiscing of Ned Stark, but I wish they would have actually learned a lesson from him about "honor" instead of letting vengeance get the better of the two girls as it has time and time again. They're, again, intelligent young women in positions of power so you'd think their story would have been more of them rooting out an actual plan where Littlefinger is trying to get the Lords to conspire against them because of all the craziness happening in the world (LF thrives on chaos), and they work together to stop him? At the end of the day I think that they dumbed down LF in order to make a thin plot work, and that sucks. Oh well, Winterfell is so pretty and so are the vengeful, catty Stark girls. The end.

DRAGONSTONE

        Dany's council decide to sail north. She's going to meet with all the Northern lords in Winterfell so we'll see how that plays out. About time Jon checks back in with Winterfell for sh!t sake, he's been back and forth from the wall like three times and doesn't seem to even care how things are going aside from a few texts to his sister. "Oh ps. we have a new queen. l.y.l.a.s. -Jon."
        Then Theon gets permission to go after his sister. I love Theon so so so so so so much. Though I'm getting a bit tired of these hackneyed "I've done such bad things man. Me too, we've all done bad things man." scenes. It always leads the characters down the same stupid rabbit holes. Reminiscing and coming to terms with one's past is one thing but not every reunion has to be some slick meta commentary does it?
       "I always wanted to do the right thing." says Theon in typical Alfie Allen fashion, layered with such a vulnerable sense of remorse and a deep need to understand himself. I guess his speech to Theon about being Greyjoy and a Stark is nice foreshadowing for Jon's gripping with being Stark and Targaryen, but did you have to literally spell that thematic parallel out for us in such a tactless way? "You're a Greyjoy and you're a Stark." Why can't he just be Theon? Wouldn't that be a somewhat interesting revelation for him to realize that he's been struggling with his identity for so long with Stark, Greyjoy, Reek, that he realizes that he doesn't have to placate to all these rules, all these identities. He can at last be simply Theon, brother to Yara and he can go wherever he needs to go and do what is needed of him and help the ones he cares about. I think they might have tried to do that arc at one point, but, like with Jaime, they need to stall and circle back with characters because they don't have time to give them all "stories".
        So Theon has this beach battle with some random Ironborn that I'm giving a name to a face: let's call him Nute because I always liked that book character. Nute kicks Theon's @ss but then tries to finish him off by nailing him in the balls but wOooOo he doesn't have any! I feel like getting punted in the gory gash where you were mutilated would still hurt though...like a lot. No? Well Theon wins. How is this any kind of redemption though? He rolls over to the brutally violent Ironborn culture and "earns their respect" by beating a guy to death? I know that they don't respect him and they all think he's a craven and the Ironborn follow only the strong and pay the Iron price, but does this really have to be the way he gets his "manhood back"? Like he can't just say "Screw you guys, you're a bunch of sickly reavers who gave me over to Ramsey at the drop of a hat. I'm going after my sister with or without your help." Wouldn't that be an interesting power play? That he oversteps their macho-ness so he can save his sister and then the Ironborn soldiers all come to realize that their love for Yara is far more important than whether or not Theon abandoned ship in order to save her? I mean, none of them saw him jump overboard, they are just assuming it... and not only that, but this cowardly act ended up saving her life, so isn't that worth something?
        I'm glad he's going back for Yara at least. His Theon re-redemption arc will hopefully be complete and he can set out to save Yara as she set out to save him. For continuity purposes, Theon saw Euron "head to the Iron Islands" so that sure as sh!t better be where he's heading. I'm tired of all these characters knowing exactly where their enemies will end up, I thought Bran was the only one who could do that.

WINTERFELL/ R+L=A

       Sam has come to Winterfell so he can have one scene with Bran. He walks into Bran's room with all the purpose that the plot begs of him. "You're a good man, Charlie Brown" Bran says to Sam because his character knows everything in the most uninteresting way plausible. "I'm not sure that I am," he responds just as awkwardly as anyone would when such a strange, fellating comment is directed at them from someone they've only ever seen one time. "I'm the three eyes raven now," says Brandroid for the eight-millionth time. Then comes the big reveal that we are already well aware of because the show decided to expose that revelation already in a go-nowhere scene with Gilly so there is really no mystery in it: The marriage between Rhaegar and Lyanna is legit. So this plot hole is perhaps the most frustrating one of all. Why is Sam here? It can't be to reveal about Rhaegar's marriage, because he doesn't even remember that until Bran tells him about Jon's parentage, and that's something that could have just been sent via raven anyways. This scene reveals that indeed, Sam's entire season was just plot service. Doesn't matter though, because R+L=J or rather R+L=A because Jon's name was intended to be Aegon and that's, I'm told, exciting.
        Here's a thought: why didn't you have Bran Warging at the Rhaegar wedding while Gilly was uncovering that potentially groundbreaking news? Then we. as an audience could have had at least something to go along with that huge reveal instead of you just winking at the camera in the 5th episode while Sam pouted about having a stupid plot? Now you just have Sam conveniently walking in to speak with Bran only in service to exposing things that we already know, and there is absolutely no weight to any of this information because, as I've said time and again, these two characters are no longer characters themselves, just plot tools, so we don't really care about their exchanging of information. I suppose it's fitting that their last scene is them finding one another, these walking plot tools, and having one last disappointing exposition scene before we close out the season.
        This is all awkwardly cut over by Kit Harrington's man @ss suddenly pile-driving the Dragon Queen. Apparently Dany invited Jon to her cabin to bone but we don't get any kind of build up unless you count the last 6 episodes of terribly, terribly forced onscreen chemistry and dull conversations that they shoved down our throats. No first kiss, no sexual tension, just..."the fans expect this so..."
          George Martin's carefully crafted A Game of Thrones, with all its subtle hints, and all its complex plot weaving is tossed out the window so we can get to fan service sex and zombie battles in between meandering characterizations and cringe-worthy dialogue. I think I had the same despondent, ill-willed face as Tyrion had when he was creepily listening to the fumblings and moanings of Jon and Dany, but I don't know what we are supposed to take away from him witnessing this, unless we are just supposed to gear up for more boring scenes of Tyrion chastising Dany for stuff. Oy, I hope not.
        So Dany and Jon f@ck. Boy if ever there was a duller sex scene. There was no dialogue between these two characters because, well the writers have nothing profound or sentimental or romantic to say unless coupled with glib undertones or a "shocking death" waiting around the corner, so they don't even write a scene for our two (sort of) main characters. He just knocks on her door and gives her "the look" because we don't have time to develop a passionate love affair between them, just small talk and Bran's voiceover as the soundtrack for this Song of Ice and Fire. I'm so moved. Talk about the worst decision to make this huge reveal into bland cut scenes and flashback.
        Last year's Jon snow "reveal" was strange enough because it only worked out of context of the show and if you were watching it with a friend like me who read the books and spent hours researching R+L=J theories. But as far as the actual given show material is concerned, they negate all connection between Jon and Lyanna and wait until now for Bran to beat us over the head with something that they could have given honest exposition to last year.We never are actually given exposition to the fact that Jon is Tararyen until aunt and nephew are copulating, so any and all viewings in 100 years, people watching season 6 will be baffled at the cut scene, and people watching season 7 will be bored to tears with Jon and Dany, and then utterly repulsed at the sudden incestuous cut scene. 
        To end the season, the Night King Burns down the wall with some pretty stunning visuals but as a book reader I'm offended because I thought there was supposedly some epic magic that Bran was supposed to unearth that would lead to the calamity and fall of the Wall. Oh well, CGI was cool. I think that's been their general feel for the scenes this year so it's fitting that they ended the season on that note: messy, chaotic cut scenes with no dialogue and crazy expensive CGI dragons.  The army of the dead has arrived, finally. We made it through what I can now safely call the most incongruent, rushed and nonsensical season of Game of Thrones to date. We made it.  

-CjM


  

Episode 6 Review!

SPOILERS AHEAD Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Okay episode six comes to a close with one of the biggest reveals in the entire series and I think we are all speechless. So let's get into it. From here on in, there be dragons.

        Ice Dragons! Many had been long speculating this for George's novels and it's funny...there were a lot of teasers and promo posters and things of Ice Dragons for Season 7 that got everyone in a frenzy but it was hard to imagine this actually happening. It was never made clear if they were fan-made or not...but either way the prophecy has come true (for the show, anyway): Viserion has been killed and will be the Night King's steed. This is huge. I was very impressed with all the action sequences in the episode. Obviously they went to great lengths to ensure this be a grand visual spectacle. I'm still not sold on why they decided to go through with this ridiculous plan in the first place, but here we are. I'm admittedly swept up in the big reveal and considerably less salty than last week, but of course, as par for this season, this episode still committed a laundry list of cringe-worthy moments concerning exposition, forced dialogue and contrived devices. Let's get into it.

BEYOND THE WALL PT. 1

        We open with some bro bonding and discussion about how it's cold. Well maybe if y'all brought some hats along with you...never mind, not important. This segment is filled with some fun character moments and quotes including, but not limited to:  

"Walking's good, fighting's better, fucking's best."
                                                                                       -Tormund Giantsbane

"You're winging. This one's been killed six times and you don't hear him bitching about it."
                                                                                        - The Hound

(Because being sold off and then sexually abused is funny when it happens to men because Mal has a nice pair of tits! So much for Sandor's character redemption lol. )

And how about this exchange between Tormund and the Hound:

"Want me to suck your dick?
"My what? "
"Cock.
"Oh. Dick, I like it."
"Bet you do." (plays laugh track)

This is followed by some fan service about Tormond being in love with Brienne.
     
        So if we are going to spend all this time on this ridiculously nonsensical journey, I'm glad the conversations are at least...fun? I mean if you parallel the jovial nature of this misadventure to the painfully forced "Catiness" happening in Winterfell, it's absolutely atrocious but hey...we can't have the whole thing be so tonally dramatic, right? It appears that all that drama they set up of nobody in the group getting along wasn't foreshadowing, just filler, because they seem like a rag-tag group of old war buddies to me. Amazing that they resolve their (several) differences in a thirty second scene while Arya and Sansa have been wandering around hissing at one another for the entire season, but more on that later.  
        Mixed in with the sit-com banter scenes there is some good dialogue from Beric (You and I aren't going to have much fun while we're here. Death is the enemy. The first and the last. The enemy always wins, but we still have to fight it.) that leads me to believe that our lightning lord isn't long for this world, sadly. They also decide to address Longclaw with Jon and Jorah. It was a bit funny to have Jon bring it up, seeing as how it was in plain sight for their entire journey north. Fine. I'm glad they are addressing it though.
        Jon offers him Longclaw (which probably would have been a better thing to do before they left for a suicide mission that he needed a weapon for) and Jorah rejects it knowing that he brought shame to the Mormont name. I don't know why Jon seems to want to cozy up to Jorah and be nice to him...I mean they literally have had 2 scenes together where the main focus wasn't even about them. All Jon knows about Jorah is that he sold slaves and betrayed Dany and ha(d) Greyscale. Oh well! Here's your family heirloom!
         Another layer that perhaps I'm stretching with a bit, is the subtext about Jorah seeing that Dany has begun to develop feelings for him (Jon), and Jorah is, in a weird traditional way, "giving Jon his blessing." Not that Jon or Dany need to have it, but they need to have some narrative recognition of Jorah's love for the woman Jon is clearly about to be with. Perhaps, again I'm adding layers to this surface scene that simply aren't there, but Jorah has been the closest thing to a father that Dany has ever known, and would they had spent more time actually developing on-screen chemistry between Jon and Dany, instead of having every other damn character in the show reinforce the notion that they are crushing on each other, then this scene between Jorah and Jon might naturally have had that subtext without me trying to desperately search for some layered narrative meaning. It might be that Ian Glenn knows how to give such powerful, expressive reactions, and deliver lines like "and your children after you," as though he's discovered the secret to all human emotion and is only aloud 5 words to express the thought...I know that's a lot to unpack from one line of dialogue, and most of this season has been completely surface level intrigue and emotion, but you can't keep me from making things more interesting than they probably are! Yeah okay, the scene is probably just about the sword.  
       

WINTERFELL

        Cryptic Arya is just a mess. Why is this longwinded monologue being directed at Sansa? Why are we poisoning all these fond memories of Arya realizing who she wants to become just so we can squeeze out contrived drama? Well, we need for Arya to bring up her hatred of the Lannisters in order for this plot to make sense. So let's tie in Sansa's thin connection with them to which she was a political prisoner and abuse victim and blame her for the downfall of the Starks. Will do. The annoying thing is that it's a well-written, well delivered monologue but it's just used as a device to pour on the Sansa hate. After all Arya's training, and growing and understanding of how twisted and manipulative people are, she's just out to tear down her sister in a way that's almost more characteristic for Littlefinger. Is that why Arya doesn't trust Sansa? Because she knows Littlefinger is treacherous and figures that Sansa may be easily manipulated by Littlefinger? Why not just tell Sansa this? Tell Sansa about when you were a cup-bearer for Tywin and Littlefinger walked in...I mean that scene is something that's in the show only, so why not use it to your advantage? But rather than Arya being level headed and investigative, she has become a naive, accusatory, irrational little monster.
        The Starks are not kin slayers, so the fact that they are making this long-forgotten note into a season-long plot is deeply frustrating. I wish they got this arguing out of the way when they first reunited. The reunion at Winterfell was so flat and uneventful, they might as well have just went with this melodramatic mood from the start. It was too long a build up and this slogging plot of "sibling strife" has offered the audience absolutely nothing while simultaneously butchering these two characters. It's as if Arya has spent 6 seasons laying awake at night thinking about how much she hates the way Sansa looks in her pretty dresses. As if she's been indefatigably pining for the day she can return to Westeros and kill Sansa. She hasn't, in case you were keeping score. She has better things to do like...ohhhhh maybe that list that has been at the center of her character arc since season 2? Again I ask from the rooftops "Why did Arya even bother coming back home?" 
        Also, every time the show refers to the battle for Winterfell as the Meme-erific Battle of the Bastards, I die a little bit. The fandom calls it that, not the f@cking lady of Winterfell. Also, why isn't Sansa allowed to have nice things? How many times are you going to criticize her for being traditionally feminine? Are we going to even the playing field and start calling you Arya horse face the way everyone did in the books?  Are you still holding onto when Sansa lied in front of the King and then they had her Direwolf executed as punishment for your wolf maiming the prince? Nice. You've really grown a lot.
       Book Arya is actually jealous of Sansa because she views her as the perfect embodiment of female--Sansa is just like her mother, even prettier. I always found Arya's struggle so empathetic, not because she's some alpha fem with a vendetta against pretty girls, but because she's struggling to find her place, her role in a society that is clearly not built for her to succeed. That's why we love Arya and that's why George is constantly praised for his feminist characters.  I thought this show was hailed as being "super feminist," as well. Is that all it takes? Having some tomboy shaming other women for daring to be more feminine than they are? Got it.
        Sansa is then consulting with LF and she's nervous that the Lords will betray her if Arya shows them a letter written 5 years ago that we are supposed to believe would have any relevance at all. Littlefinger not so subtly suggests to her that she could have Brienne "protect her," which, yeah, thanks.
        Sansa goes snooping around and finds Arya's faces in her laptop bag. Arya catches her sister and gives us another slowburning, unmotivated tension-fest where she basically threatens Sansa's life and tells her to make the first move. Is it a test? Well either way it's full on fan fiction at this point because Sansa is not on Arya's list, and Arya is showing all her cards all at once, right away, to officially be in the running for the worst assassin in Westeros. Arya is now blackmailing her sister, but to what end? If this is all some plot to expose Littlefinger, they need to hurry up and do that before they destroy these two characters for good.
        Arya then hands Sansa the dagger after frightening her. Is this to instill fear in Sansa or is this meant to inspire her to "do what needs to be done?" There is a hint of intrigue here and then it sputters out with another note (so many great plot devices!) that Sansa receives from Cersei beckoning her (why?) to King's Landing. So Sansa is sending Brienne in her stead because she thinks Little Finger is trying to get her to kill Arya, thus sending the North into chaos. Or am I overthinking that and they just want to throw stupid road blocks in the way to create a faux sense of danger at the expense of logic? Anyway, Sansa is seemingly trying to be sensible and trust-worthy to her sister because it's really the only move she has. Is there any way Sansa can have a plotline where she's not being backed into a corner by people she thought she cared for? Oh well.
         Some people were speculating that the note was made up, but I think that would be pretty unwise to send Brienne into enemy territory. She would be killed. I believe this letter from Cersei to be real, simply because the series doesn't have time to explain why Sansa would concoct such a plan. They have to stick with surface level intrigue. Why Sansa isn't at all suspicious of why Cersei would be organizing some grand meeting in King's Landing, I don't know. I feel like if your direct enemy (unless all this silly war stuff is just forgiven) sends you an invitation to something, you laugh at it and toss it in the hearth. In either case, she sends Brienne away in service to the plot, which may or may not lead to Brienne's and her own death. Alrighty.

DRAGONSTONE

        Alrighty let's continue trying to convince the audience through the eyes of other characters other than Jon and Dany, that Jon is in love with Dany. This time it's Tyrion who bears the burden of the cringe-worthy seed planting. Then Dany makes some offhanded comment about not liking short men, which of course Tyrion takes offensive to, being particularly small himself. Other than that, this scene is just more gravy in case you couldn't already tell that Dany and Tyrion aren't seeing eye to eye (see, I can make tactless dwarf-related puns too.). What's confusing about these scenes is that they always start off reminding the audience how great and wonderful Tyrion is, and how much Dany respects him, but then she spends 10 minutes arguing with all his points, and refusing to listen to his council. So here we are again, with Dany and Tyrion in plot prison because if they were actually given something constructive to do (are they still in a war or...?) then Dany wouldn't be able to stick around for the obvious plot development. The only problem is that Dany is all the way down on Dragonstone, probably more than a thousand miles away from Jon+ Company...
        What needs to happen with the Dany/ Tyrion story arch is that they need to decide who's story it will become. At this point, both characters have become uninteresting shells of who they once were because they are seemingly on pause for plot reasons. For now, Dany continues to be deeply suspicious of Tyrion for daring to voice his opinion and make logical sense. I feel like I'm repeating myself. Oh. It's because the same story problems occurring in the Dany/Tyrion plot are a direct mirror of the problems happening with Arya/Sana and with Jaime and Cersei. While all the other plots move at lightning speed, and characters fast travel to wherever the plot demands them to end up, their character arcs are trapped in limbo.  

An aside: I'm glad they are addressing the Tarly incident. It might  just be them covering their tracks for treating characters like plot devices this season but at least they addressed it.

BEYOND THE WALL: THE BEAR

        The reason this entire "Beyond the Wall" segment is void of drama and such a disconnect for the audience is because they aren't there out of consequence, they aren't there because they have no other option, they are up north of the wall due to some thirty second musings from Tyrion. In the last episode, he putters around the stone table and just says "hey, here's a crazy idea!" and the rest just go with it. In the past, Game of Thrones delivers consequences to brash, nonsensical thinking...now they are reveling in the spectacle as though we are watching Saturday morning cartoons.
        Thoros is attacked by a pretty cool zombie bear. This is an exciting action sequence and there's a hint of irony that it's Thoros who saves the hound from the inflamed bear and gets mortally wounded. But the hound freezing up because of his fear of fire is never addressed for the rest of the episode. Thoros seems fine after his bear wounds are cauterized Revenant-style, but yeah nobody calls out Sandor for this fatal character flaw that eventually causes Thoros to die...no arc, no remorse, just...well that happened.
         In the next segment, he's walking with the others as if his wounds from earlier were actually just cramps. They then stumble across a party of wights. These wights are led by a Walker and heading single file to conveniently check out the trap that was sent for them. At least I think that's what we are intended to think? Jon kills the Walker and then all the rest of the wights fall dead save one. They catch it by tossing a burlap bag over it and then SUDDENLY! They are overwhelmed by the army of the dead for their final boss fight.

Here's where the nonsense takes full flight.

        Gendry Olympic sprints all the way back to the Wall to "send a raven to Daenerys". Care to tell us why? Is it to tell Dany sh!t she already knew? That the dead were coming? Why didn't she just come in the first place? So she could sit around and argue with Tyrion?
        The party runs out into an island in the middle of a frozen lake because how can we have the "behind enemy lines" trope complete without getting trapped and surrounded? And that's what we do. We sit and wait between cut scenes to establish a passage of time. For the first time in the entire season, they go out of their way to establish that time has passed. So Gendry Baratheon, whose nickname is now "the fastest," has to run all the way back to the wall. But no sweat. He makes it. So Davos sends a raven to Daenerys which apparently says:

        "Hey you have to fly like a thousand miles up north to some lake deep beyond the wall because the dead army has surrounded Jon+Friends right on the one yard line. You have to go risk everything with you, and all three of your dragons in order to save Jon, for whom at this point I have no idea why you would have any narrative purpose to do so."

        But dammit if she doesn't get a sudden burst of energy and do just that! She flew to the reach and back with no consequences, and Drogon seems to be absolutely fine after getting a giant scorpion bolt in the shoulder, so wait until you see her next trick! She hops on Drogon looking like Elsa from frozen and flies off!
        At this point, Thoros has frozen to death and the dead have attacked our magnificent seven (six) and it's a super bad@ss sequence if you ignore the logistics. How long have they been sitting there, days? Weeks? Well the lake freezes over again and they run to attack. Lots of hacking and slashing fun commences. Our heroes can't possibly make it out alive! Unless of course the scene right before this has anything to do with -- oh it's Dany to the rescue!! Seemingly weeks later because that's how long it would take to run back to the wall, send a raven all the way to Dragonstone, then fly beyond the wall... Dany arrives in the nick of time.
        Had this plan been laid out ahead of time and not come out of nowhere bending all rules of travel and time, it might have actually been satisfying. There was no reason for Dany not to have at least gone to the wall with them last episode, I mean all they did with her was have another conversation with Tyrion which, again, could have been had at the wall. Well, let it go, because Elsa is on her dragons roasting wights and we are lifting the choppers out of here--but oh no! Jon is all blood thirsty and won't stop killing wights, dang it. They stick around just long enough for the Night King to make an attack. Instead of attacking Drogon, and the entire party including Dany and Jon, he rolls a nat. 20 on his special ability and bam! Viserion goes down. All they had to do to make this more interesting was have Viserion fly at the White Walkers and the Night King. This way we can see that our heroes actually know what the f@ck they are doing, and it gives cause for the Night King to attack Viserion rather than Drogon and the party. Let's pretend that happened...Woah, isn't that sufficiently more dramatic because we saw our enemy being frightened by these beasts, and were given a payoff with Viserion's death? Awesome. So the party flies away and leaves Jon because he's the hero, which is expressly a turn-off on Dany's OKWesteros profile.
        There is more to this adventure for some reason. All the tropes you can imagine. They fly away and one hero (Jorah) almost falls off and then is grabbed before the camera can even catch up it, then Jon is knocked into the frigid water but, much like Jaime's cliff hanger, we know Jon will be fine. How you ask? How about another deus ex machina scene where Benjen shows up for 12 seconds to give him his horse! Jon won't freeze to death either because, well, I don't know. Do we need this?
        My only theory is that Jon needed to see Benjen as a narrative reveal that Jon will end up just like Benjen. Jon is undead. I know the show doesn't care about this major plot development and character trait/flaw but Jon is undead. So is Benjen. And since they spend absolutely zero screen time exposing any of what that is like, I can only speculate this point. It might just be that D&D wrote themselves into another corner and wanted to give the audience something extra to fret about, but they aren't the type of show runners known to do that, are they? In the past, they've used deus ex machina not in a cheap way, but in a rewarding payoff of entire season-long plots. The Lannisters and Tyrells joining forces to save Tyrion & Co in the Battle of the Blackwater, or Stannis coming to save the Night's Watch from the wildlings because Mal told him where the real war is to be waged, or the knights of the Vale coming to win Winterfell after Sansa plotted for a season with Littlefinger, who we never thought could be trusted to do a damn thing. The device does not feel cheap when reason and narrative payoff are the main ingredient, the devices used in this episode just feels like cheap excuses to get from A-Z .
         
        EASTWATCH

        Dany is upset (sort of, I guess) about her Dragon dying and then Jon comes roaming up to the wall on his faithful steed. In his recovery bed, the dragon queen goes to him. Jon wakes up and we bear witness to the biggest, ungodly cringe-fest that this show has ever offered. So Daenerys comes in and gets a peak at his yummy hairless pecs I mean his stab wound and she thinks "So he did take a knife to the heart? Innnnnnteresting." Jon then wakes up and apologizes because he's a guy and that's just apparently something guys do unprompted. In reality he should wake up and say "I F@CKING TOLD YOU SO," but hey, I'm projecting. Dany's Dragon just died and so Jon has to be super nice even though Dany doesn't seem to care. She came to their rescue after their ridiculous plan fell through, and now she's lost one of her "children," so now we have to be nice. But she is seemingly far more affected by Jon Snow being (plot)hurt than she was when shedding her crocodile tears for Viserion, and one is left to wonder...was this whole plot really just a stupid excuse to ship (get it, they're ON A SHIP) Jon and Dany. Ugh.
        Then something happened that made this cringe-fest the most cringiest of cringe. Jon refers to Dany as "Dany," and my stomach violently turned. I think it was supposed to be cute? I think it was supposed to draw a parallel between Jon and Viserys (Jon is her nephew after all) but all it made me want to do was curl up into a ball and die. They put us through that moment simply to get us onto the subject of "Well what shall I call you, Father Aunt Mary" (I'm really proud of that layered pun I just threw at you) and he decides that, despite this entire season, despite the northern lords, and despite all the reasons given why he won't do it...he's going to bend the knee and call her his Queen. Then they hold hands and, kids, that's how I met your aunt mother.
           The ENd.

            Wait no! Cut to beyond the wall.
         
        The dead are pulling the dragon out of the frozen lake. Where did they got the chains? That I'm less concerned about I guess, but how did they get the chains on the dragon? These things require planning and logic, but then why would we need that? This is all in service to the payoff which my inner fanboy jumped for joy. And Smaug becomes an ice dragon...I mean...Viserion. This is almost an identical shot of the end of AN Unexpected Journey, but hey. Blue eyed, undead dragon. Cut to black. Sweet.
        So episode 6 is officially in the books and I'm starting to think their advertising campaign was a sham because they promised up a bunch of lengthy episodes with sprawling set pieces and, well, I don't like being that type of demanding fan so whatever. I don't care if you use paper dragons and plastic swords, just make your writing cohesive and logical, and give respect to the characters and the world you've created. That's all.
        I think this season suffered greatly with the foolish decision to have only 7 episodes. The sprawling world, the exciting road shows, the clashing of personalities and the intimate character moments either do not exist, or they exist in such a fast pace, that all weight is lifted from these moments entirely. Jon + Dany go from refusing to bend the knee, to having dull history lessons in caves, to now suddenly being in love? Sana and Arya go from estranged lost siblings with clear purpose and emotion, to bitter, scheming little monsters without hardly any cause. They aren't growing, they aren't having anything new happen to them, they're all just there for filler, quite honestly, until Jon comes back into their lives. The main issue, as I've said before is that they spend so much screen time with fabricated exposition, spectacle and fluff, and then when it comes time to have significant plot revelations or touching moments, or anything that requires a bit of tact, or time, or weight...it falls flat. The ten episode formula worked. It gave us breathing room, it gave the plot time to settle, and it gave the characters time to react and deal with the consequences of whatever it was that just happened to them. With such nonsensical story telling you risk breaking the trust that your audience once had in you as an author. For me that trust has been broken and I think with this episode above all others, Game of Thrones has jumped the dragon.      

See you next week for the finale where we're going to have to wrap up like 8 plots that have gone untouched for 3 episodes!

-CjM

Ep 5. Review Easy Eastwatch

Hey all,

        Let's talk about what happened in last night's GoT episode entitled "Eastwatch." I hate being so negative but this episode to me really showcased how laughably lost these showrunners are without George. It's a bummer that these idiots were given creative control of a world so intricate and interesting and they just have no will to want to make enjoyable television for anyone with half a brain. This episode they didn't have the smoke and mirrors of a battle sequence behind it. They had to advance the plot with dialogue, and emotion, and various events taking place that our characters might have opinions about or take issue with...as you can imagine a lot of the important parts like setups for plot points, and payoffs for character arcs were rushed through, and then fluffy, meandering hijinx and fan service dialogue was embellished and reveled in. Let's dissect it, and hopefully I'll try to dehidrate from all the SALT I'm drowning in. Ugh. Here goes nothing. (Smiles through the pain.) 

        This being the 5th episode in an awkwardly brief season, we continue our light speed plot developments leaving every scene with an awkward, all too brief befuddlement. Remember last week's thrilling cliff hanger when Jaime was knocked off his horse in that shallow stream and then it magically turned into a quarry? Well he was sinking in his plate armor while Bronn floated away. Reminder: there was a Dragon twelve feet away. So they decided to end their episode like a serial spaghetti Western in the way of "Will Jaime escape the water chasm of his doom in full plate metal?? Will Tyrion be able serve his queen seeing her destroy his family with  the awesome power she possesses?? Will Bronn get his groove *gold* back?? Tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion of: Dany and the Jets!"
         So not surprisingly, as par for this season, they open the same way an old Spaghetti Western would: everything's fine. Bronn pulls Jaime to safety. Oh. Okay. That must have been some seriously Olympic-style heroics by Bronn, oh well I guess we'll have to again fill in the blanks with our own imagination. Bronn won't let Jaime die because Jaime still owes him a dept. Cute. I'm glad they at least kept with character and didn't do what I was dreading and make Bronn become some Lannister loyalist who got a taste of heroism and his bond with Jaime makes him want to be a better knight and to destroy the foreign invader...so I guess that's...good they didn't do that? And somehow, by the way, they made it all the way across this magical body of water and with Dany, the Dragon, Tyrion, thousands of Dothraki soldiers rounding up survivors, none of them wanted to take the 5 minutes it would have taken and maybe walk around the pond to see if any survivors swam for it...
        Nope, everything looks fine, Bronn and Jdogg slink away like Chief Wiggam and then we cut to our audience POV character Tyrion, who is for some reason surprised at the carnage a dragon can do. It's cool to see the aftermath but it's interesting that he only now feels conflicted about releaseing these terrible beasts upon the world. "When they were burning brown people in gold masks it was fine...but now it's a problem for me!"
        So they round up all the Lannister stragglers and Dany offers the most absolutist, authoritative choice imaginable right after she tells everyone I'm not here to murder. I think we are supposed to see the irony in that? But we never get any kind of honest moments from Dany anymore, we don't know her, the writers don't know her, her councilors can't seem to predict or control her, because all they ever do is talk at her about forced strategy opinions and how being inactive is a great idea. Why the f@ck did we come to Westeros with like 50,000 swords guys? What did you think I was gonna just politely invade?! 
        I think the writers are trying too hard to convince us that Dany's story is one of conflict, but ummm they rushed her character arc and sidelined her in her own plot, so now she's just a nonsensical beast-master who wants to *blehh* "break the wheel." So anyone who doesn't join her will be burned alive. I do like that she took Tyrion with him to offer up some much needed conflict for the season.

An aside: she explains this wheel as what I gather to be a representation of how the High Lords of Westeros have been oppressing the common people for so long and she's here to change that. Just politically, I find this deeply patronizing for her to just jump to the conclusion that "the people" would even want her. We as an audience know her intentions may be good, but if I'm a small business or farm owner in the Reach or somewhere inside King's Landing...I want this foreign woman and her flying death machines gone so I can keep selling my goods or sowing my crops to prepare for winter.  And sure, my current Queen is a violent, incestuous terrorist, but to me, a commoner for let's say House Florant, Dany's just another powerfully privileged white savior telling me what I need.
        The problem, and this is actually rampant in the source material as well, is that the common folk are not represented at all as POV or side characters. This is a fatal flaw in the works, especially considering what we've learned recently about modern politics. You can preach and pander to the public all you want with "breaking the wheel" platitudes, you can decorate yourself with self aggrandizing titles...but in the end you are just as self-serving and ambitious as the rest of them, and the nameless, faceless common folk of Westeros (who seemingly are only represented by slaves, oafs, prostitutes, Ed Sheeran, and Bronn in this universe) will only resent you. Alright. That's just my identity politic rant bleeding through concerning the systemic class issue in GoT. #commonfolkmatter.      

        Anyways, Randyll Tarly doesn't bend the knee. Which, if you are a book reader you know is sort of nonsensical because Randyll Tarly was among the many lords that stayed loyal to the Targaryen King during Robert's Rebellion. In fact, Tarly was the only commander to ever hand Robert a defeat. So I guess the question of Randyll's character is whether he is just a stubborn loyalist to whomever is sitting the Iron Throne...or does house name carry any weight with him? Either way, his past is not even brought up and he insists that she's a foreigner, even though she was literally born in Westeros. On Dragonstone.  They made a plot point about it in the second episode. I suppose that's semantics because she's not exactly a local, but why isn't Dany just offering up her claim as a better option than Cersei? It's not like the Targaryens don't have a deeply rooted history in Westeros. There were dozens of Westeros houses loyal to house Targaryen and they ruled for hundreds of years. This is stupid logic. It's not that Dany has a better claim, it's that she has a claim, and that's what she should be going off of to reason with Tarly once she finds out who he is. But instead, she's a violent brat, and he's a wild racist and we're expected to...I don't know.
        Then, somehow all knowing Tyrion makes a meta-comment to him saying "wait, you just betrayed your liege lady at the battle of High Garden, and I know this even though I wasn't there, why not just switch sides again dude?" and he says "because reasons." Then his son Dick has a moment and decides he too would like to be burned alive. Dany is just fine with it. "I mean I gave them a choice." YEAH SOME CHOICE. Randyll doesn't beg for his son's life anymore than "wait. stop. don't." And again, Dany is just fine with her murderous ultimatum and then Randyll and Dick hold hands before they are burnt to ash in. Good gods, what in the seven hells am I watching. Man, what dumb, forced, awkward f@cking writing. It's the same trope used when who-cares Illyria and her who-cares daughter Tyene are killed...you wait until now to give us a moment of character empathy? That's so f@cking cheap.  And I'm sorry Dany, have you never heard of POW's? You have the new Warden of the  Reach and his heir in your grasp. What wars have their ever been where the losing side just accepts a new queen after they have been decimated in battle? Why, other than fear, would they follow you?
        Is that the point? Are we supposed to believe Dany is just an irrational monster now? Why? The whole season she's just been flirting with Jon, not emoting, and wining that she's losing...and now she finally gets out to the battle field and she's just immediately terrible? So she's spent 6 seasons learning the finer points of ruling and diplomacy, but mehhhh. If you ask the show runners they literally say "I wouldn't say she's acting like the mad king because it's rational..." Forced ultimatums with threat of incineration without fealty is rational? ARE YOU GUYS F@CKING HIGH OR JUST STUPID? Okay we're really doing this. We're assassinating Dany's character and making her the villain immediately. If we are supposed to feel conflicted about her decision, they missed the mark. The only thing I'm conflicted over is whether or not to keep watching this melodramatic garbage as they continually strong arm their audience into following along with their forced plots and meandering character arcs. Like, she can cuss out Cersei all she wants, because Cersei is evil, but how is Dany any different? Sure, Dany is less terrible, but she sure as hell isn't breaking the wheel, she's just replacing one violent ruler with another. They've given us nothing redeemable to latch on to. They remove all complexity of decision making within Dany herself, and slap us over the face with how wise and just Tyrion is, and how violent and stupid Dany is all of the sudden. Yay.
        So she roasts the Tarlys in front of everyone instead of using them as a bargaining tool like a smart person.
        The one positive I thing I will say about this segment is that it looks fantastic. The shots are sprawling and epic, the cgi is so well wrendered and the cinematography paints a very thematic backdrop that, aside from my hang-ups on characterization, make a splendid set piece for the episode. Let's move on.
               
        KING'S LANDING

        Jaime walks home. Right up to the gates of King's Landing, through the halls all covered in mud, and returns to Cersei. Fine. I was really expecting to see a scene with Jaime that might confirm at least the terrible person the show runners have created in Dany. Jaime killed his king because he watched him burn people alive, he wanted to destroy the city by burning it down and Jaime, in an act of valor and treason, stops the King with his own blade. He has just returned from a traumatic battle where men were burnt to a crisp at the drop of a helmet. Should we call all the lords of Westeros together and report the damage and maybe reaffirm some now legitimate fear that (from their perspective) the Mad King's daughter IS indeed here and she's terrifying and brutal?  No, they have some weird conversation about Tyrion. Why? There is so much more at stake!!! Why the f@ck would they even think of... oh. Oh no, they're really going to just tie up Cersei's hatred for him by having Jaime "Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me," so she's less mad at Tyrion for not killing Jeoffery. Then Cersei is only focused on Jaime daring to have mercy on an old Lady, like that's the least of what is happening here, dear. I'm flabbergasted. Pick. A. Lane. I bet this is all just to convince the audience to go along with some dumb plot scheme thing they are about to hatch.    
         More on that later. Right now it's time for us to warp back to...

        DRAGONSTONE

        Dany is back. Again. Already. Jon pets Dany's dragon and we are supposed to think this is emotional or something because we know that Jon is a Targaryen. They don't really set up that Jon is especially afraid of them, nor is he fascinated by them, he's just meh about them as he is with most things, in fact, this is the first encounter he ever has with any of them, but we spend 5 slow motion minutes and like a million dollars of cool CGI to see a close up of him petting Drogon. Again this is in no way emotionally significant in context of the show, and it's proven more when Dany doesn't even address the fact that her feared, unpredictable pyro-reptile doesn't seem to mind Jon. It's just a wink at the audience and completely tone-deaf.    
      Then Jorah comes wandering up the cliffs with people who just, apparently, happily grant anyone's wish to see the queen. There is no breathing for this moment at all. Jorah and Dany, regardless of how tenuous and complex it may be, have one of the show's only  solid, touching relationships in the entire series. Some may call it creepy, some may call it sad and pathetic, some may call it "friendzoned," but the fact remains that these two characters have had the longest lasting relationship (non blood related) in the show. They recognize in one another a deep need for closeness that neither one can give the other and it's some of the only tender moments we as an audience ever get in this longwinded, nihilistic killfest...but this scene is so rushed and clunky and awkward and misdirected and out of place. It's like neither character knows how to feel, neither actor knows how to portray the emotion because they aren't directing them on what to do. The showrunners just need certain characters to get to certain places and if it means having Dany fly back on Drogon, watch Jon pet him, then immediately turn around to see her long-lost Bear without even getting to unpack her suitcase, well it's got to be done! So here's the big narrative payoff for Jorah being infected with Greyscale, doomed to die, sent away, and return to his one love, his queen, the only reason he has to live:

       Dany: (In crocodile tears) Oh hey, didn't see you there. You found a cure.

        Jorah: Yep.

        Dany: Oh yay, you can do things for me again!

        Jorah: Do you wanna know how it happened? Like we can cure this horrible disease and it's literally the simplest thing --

         Dany: Woahhh we don't have time for that type of thing.

         Jorah: Okay so about me being like 20 years older than you, betraying you several times and confessing my love for you. Should we unpack all this here or-

         Dany: shhhhhh shhh shhhh shhh...let's confuse the audience with a weirdly affectionate friend hug.  Have you noticed that my eyes are more purple-y because D&D realize now that changing my eye color does nothing to my expressionless acting...?

        Jorah: ...What am I doing here.

        So Jorah returns to his queen as an afterthought in a scene dedicated to another flat lining Dany+Jon scene where they talk about how Jon for some reason doesn't like that she just flew over to the mainland and laid waste to a Lannister army. It's all just so thrilling.

KINGS LANDING II

       . Then things get really f@cking forced and convoluted because Jaime tells (remember) only Cersei that the dragons and Dothraki are unbeatable even though they were taken by surprise, outnumbered, and still managed to wound the beast while almost killing the Dragon Queen herself. Now they just want to give up, or treat with with her or something. To be honest I was texting a lot during this scene because I just can't stand these uninteresting melodramatic battle plan scenes with Jaime and Cersei any longer. I guess Jaime saw Tyrion somehow, it must have been when he was all the way up the hill away from the battle, or when Jaime was drowning underwater, but yeah Jaime knew that Tyrion was there. What's more unforgivable is that Cersei doesn't seem to care. She goes "Maybe you can reason with him. We'll have a better chance to reason with him rather than the Dragon Queen. I don't feel like playing war anymore." WHAT? Who are these characters posing as Jaime and Cersei, honestly?
          SO later in KL, now that Jaime is home for the weekend after doing more errands for his sister, We find out that Cersei is pregnant. Now, the two things happening in my head are as follows: 1.Maggy the Frog told us that Cersei would only have 3 kids and they'd all die, and 2. George always talks about how prophesies can always be misinterpreted. So this plot offers up some questions for the viewer (finally) Jaime asks who the father is (LOL) and she says of course it's his but the main plot point here is that Cersei wants everyone to know that Jaime is the father so they can finally live openly without the horrible stigmatization of their incest.
        The twincest has officially run its course. At the heart of D&D's misinterpretation of these characters is their fascination and insistence of making Jaime and Cersei's love for one another the reason we care for them. This is so misguided and tone-deaf because well, ummm, incest is actually gross. In the books, Jaime and Cersei start off together and we are (naturally) repulsed by their behavior, but it helps give us insight to both of their troubled pasts. They're both pretty awful people to start. But it's through both of their separate journeys we then get to see the rise and fall respectively of Jaime and Cersei. They are both discovering who they are without the other, and though they are convincing themselves that they are one, that they are inseparable, that they are each other's better half...we as readers and viewers alike can plainly see that their characters only flourish (good and bad) without the other present. The best parts of the books is that they both realize that they don't need one another at different times, and things begin to fall apart for them, and so it makes them turn again to their dependence for one another at the lowest parts of their journey. But, in another brutally trite episode of the "incestual corner," we're just given more of the same tired act of Cersei telling Jaime what to do but also reminding the audience that their love will somehow prevail, and Jaime, continuing to have no mind of his own or any real purpose, just goes along with it. And so on and on it goes.        
        Then Bronn orchestrates a meeting with Jaime and Tyrion in the KL crypts, under the guise of another sword lesson, but apparently he, the sudden spy extraordinaire, has been somehow talking with Tyrion. It would have been nice to have had this plot point alluded to, maybe have Jaime walk in on Bronn receiving a Raven from Tyrion at one point before the battle, instead of having his only lines be sardonic quips for the entire season..."But wait," you say. "Bronn and Tyrion sending love notes to one another makes no sense at all." Exactly. Neither does Bronn orchestrating this sibling reunion. 
         I consider myself much more than a casual viewer, and for the life of me I can't remember how Tyrion got all the way back to Dragonstone, talked to Davos, got smuggled all the way back to King's Landing to have 1 meeting that could have just been done with a Raven...and then come back to Dragonstone. That's what happened right?  And apparently Tyrion and Bronn were talking? I don't want these criticisms to come off hyperbolic, but I'm pretty sure that's how that went down.
  If so, that's just such awful story-telling because when you remove all sense of distance from the character's journey's, I no longer feel that there are any stakes. I understand that Dragonstone and King's Landing are, geographically speaking, close to one another (relatively speaking in a world where it takes Jon Snow 1 cut scene to go from Winterfell to Dragonstone) but sheeeeesh.
        So what do we accomplish with this scene...I don't know, telling eachother that they serve different queens and that...I'm really struggling to remember because there is no sense of time passage in any of these scenes so it all feels like one jumbled plot point. I guess The Lannisters want to arrange an Armistice or something because they're afraid of the Dragons after one battle even though they build these giant scorpions and they have 1,000 ships, along with plenty of Gold to last them a long while. Wars are won with Gold. I think I've said that before. I think they've said that before.
         So Jaime and Tyrion talk and you can see a shred of drama and familiarity with characters as these two brilliant actors do their best to work with this strange setup they've been given. The show obviously wanted to parallel Jaime and Tyrion's meeting with Sansa and Arya's, which, narrative-wise is actually a very interesting, very meaningful concept, but again, the setup feels so contrived that I'm completely taken away from the scene because I'm actually disoriented. Jaime swears that the next time he sees Tyrion, he'll kill him for murdering his father, but this point is thrown out the window so we can get this show on the road. Who cares, right? There's Jaime...SWORD IN HAND and Tyrion standing there with all his plot armor. Wouldn't that have been fantastic to see him struggle with this? What an incredible opportunity he has to turn the tide of the war! He has the HAND OF THE QUEEN in his grasp unarmed!!!! "Hey Dragon Lady, I have your Hand, my mongrel brother whom I've sworn to kill, and if you want him, it will cost you your dragons. If not, I'm sending you his head." It's like the show runners don't understand war and danger even in the most general terms. 
        After this stupidly contrived meeting, Jaime decides to tell Cersei. He tells her about this secret meeting. Let that sink in. Why? Why, why why. And what would be worse than that? What about if there is just no narrative consequence to the betrayal of Cersei and letting the hand of their enemy just walk away?  That would be ridiculous, right? Well f@ck me if that isn't just what they do. Because Cersei has pregnancy brain apparently I guess, so that's all that matters now. "It's us against the world my brother lover. And even though this is horribly uninteresting narrative prison, we're going to stay together and 'f@ck everyone that isn't us'." Oy.

        OLDTOWN

        This f@cking segment... oh my goodness. I'm struggling to put together the words...

        Sam is conveniently in the room with all the Head Maesters and then feels the need to interject, only to be thwarted and silenced and nothing become of his insolence? Why do we need this cliche? None of these scenes in Old Town have had any drama, any stakes, any arc any...who wrote this?! You brought Sam all the way to OT so he could figure out that Dragonglass was on Dragonstone, even though Stannis already told him that...and then he just happens upon Jorah out of convenience and cures his Greyscale like it's just a dislocated thumb, then he just leaves because he doesn't feel like doing it anymore? WHAT? You had so many perfect opportunities to make interesting things happen. Jorah has a deadly disease and could infect the most learned bunch of people in Westeros who forbid Sam from curing the disease...maybe something will happen and they'll be forced to ignore their predispositions about experimenting with --nope, everything's fine. Greyscale is easily curable.
         So the Maesters find out that Sam's family is killed and then they don't even tell him because that might be an interesting conflict for Sam's character and actually give him a motive!. Oh, and Sam stealing Heartsbane, that plot is just gone because who cares. I literally think that D&D were just as bored as we were and they just decided "F@ck it, let's have Sam just quit and steal some books that we haven't explained to be of any significance because that's the Sam we all know and love: a quitter who defies orders and steals stuff."
         Where is he going, Braavos? Lys? Vylantis? I'm sure wherever he and Gilly end up on their new nothing-plot, they'll end up at wherever in their very next scene. More importantly, why do we care about any of this? And what was with that horrrrrible wink to the audience concerning "R-r-ragger's annulment"...is he just going to think about that when he's taking a sh!t next episode and then send a raven to Jon that says R+L=J ;-) Oldtown has been the biggest waste of time of any segment of any show I've ever seen. I'm not even excited to see where Sam and Gilly are going. She's annoying, her baby is an imbred monster, and Sam's only purpose as a human is to look stuff up about White Walkers and tell Jon. So now we have 2 dead-end expository characters to deal with. Great. Sam is now just a chunkier Bran who can walk, but he never walks anywhere interesting, so again, who cares.       
        There is seemingly this new pattern of  "Introduce a problem to a character, character searches for a solution that is already built into their prerequisite traits, character travels to said place to solve problem, aren't dragons cool? Repeat." and it's making me want to drive a spike through my hand. Maybe I should just skip GoT and wait for "Ballers starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson" to come on and watch that instead, at least that show is mildly amusing. We see it with Jorah, with Sam, with Euron...speaking of Euron...wasn't he supposed to be all bad and scary and interesting this season? Why wasn't Theon on dragonstone begging the queen to help rescue his sister? Why did Dany go back to Dragonstone if her entire Unsullied force is trapped with no food or supplies in Dastardly Rock? How did you transport an entire Dothroki horde from Dragonstone to the mainland if your ships were all destroyed? Uh oh, I'm doing it again...I'm asking too many questions.    

        WINTERFELL

        We get a cool scene with Bran flying the Ravens to spy on the Night King, but honestly I would have found it a lot cooler if they didn't keep cutting back to Bran, like we're all f@cking Morons who need our hand held to tell us that he's the one flying them. Visually I was very impressed, however. So the Lords of Winterfell are getting restless because nothing is happening in this thread either. Arya creepily watches how Sansa commands and feel that she has the right and experience to comment on her leadership, you know because she's been in Winterfell for all of 5 on-screen minutes. She cusses out Sansa for daring to have nice things and reside in Ned & Cat's room, and Sansa doesn't think about the fact that Jon gave her that room even though she felt weird staying there. It's now officially clear: there is absolutely no motivation for any of the Starks to have come home.  Other than that Little Finger seems to be up to something and plants a note for Arya to find when she's clunkily sneaking around in his room, there's no reason she shouldn't just be heading down to KL. She finds the note that Cersei coerced Sansa into writing back is season 1 to have Robb come bend the knee to "her beloved Jeoff." So I guess Arya will be mad at Sansa for a thing to which she has absolutely no context for, and putter around her home for the rest of the season while Sansa reminds her lords about making sure there is food. The drama is real.


        FLEA BOTTOM

       Gendry is back!!!! I've been waiting for this for a very long time and I so badly wanted to be excited for this, I did, I did, I did. Davos goes down to flea bottom and we focus in on some forging. Gendry turns around. For some reason he has a crew cut. My thought is that he got head lice and had to shave his head. That's fine. I miss my Baratheon boy. But then Davos winks at the camera in typical meme fashion and tells the world that he's in on the "Gendry has been rowing" thing with us. Are we serious? This doesn't belong here. Davos wouldn't say that. Gendry probably wouldn't even be here but I'm willing to suspend my disbelief because it's certainly possible, though he is wanted by the gold cloaks, so I guess that's another reason he could have shaved his famous Baratheon mop of black hair. Anyway Gendry says what we are all thinking and when Davos offers him to come along he says "yup, tired of not being in this show, give me something to do for goodness sakes." So they get back to their boat on the beach and then are approached by gold cloaks. Davos tries to distract them with some money and Viagra Crabs but then Tyrion comes wandering out trying to be inconspicuous. Oops. So then we see that Gendry has been practicing his Hammer strokes and he messes up some guards for our pleasure. I enjoyed this scene, it's fun and gives the audience a slight hint of stakes and good character moments, but in the context of this way-too-rushed season, it's hard to enjoy because at this point I'm literally looking at the clock and realizing that we've just sputtered around for 40 minutes and this is the first scene in the entire season besides the loot train attack to advance the STORY. 

         DRAGONSTONE

        Speaking of characters who can do no wrong, it's Tyrion time again! He's back on Dragonstone after some serious Flea-Bottom fan service and now wanting (for some reason) to convince Cersei that the White Walkers are real. So they come up with this outlandish plan to go capture a White Walker. Dany is fine with this plan I guess. Jorah volunteers because obviously traveling across the continent to get to Dany will make you want to just leave her again straight away. And it's not even Dany's plan so why is he offering to do it? *Sigh*. Anyways Jon wants to go too because it's not like he's a liability being King of the North or anything. Okay so there is a plan to go north of the wall and Gendry also volunteers. They metaphorically beat us over the head with Gendty's hammer to ham up this nostalgic scene where we are reminded that Ned and Robert were friends. Why don't you give your audience any credit as if we couldn't pick up on the fact that the bastards of Ned and Robert are together? Obviously! Oh it's so cringe worthy. Stop winking at the audience. Stop. Stop. Stop.
        So Jon and Jorah and Gendry and Davos warp from Dragonstone to the f@cking WALL in just 1 cut scene because nothing interesting happens on the way to anything ever so who cares. There's some more characters who are conveniently in a jail cell for some reason. Tormond, who seems to be the only person manning Eastwatch, has captured the only characters that matter in the Brotherhood without Banners. So they all squabble for a minute and realize that we don't have time for arguments because HBO's Ballers is coming up next, so Jon decides to tell Beric of this insanely illogical and suicidal plan that isn't guaranteed to have any real impact on anybody if it succeeds, but here we go. So Westeros' Fellowship of the Wight is formed and they head beyond the Wall.

Apparently next week's episode leaked last night in Spain. I honestly don't know if I'll watch it until Sunday because I need to (unlike the show's strategy) give this some time to breathe. I think the prospect of all these cool characters coming together is potentially interesting, but it all just feels so unearned. When you have, let's take Jorah, begin the season in Oldtown, travel across the continent to Dragonstone, and then travel across the continent again to leave the only reason he traveled across the continent in the first place, and you spend no time exploring anything emotionally significant or facing any true delema in his story...you have reduced your character to an official walking plot point. With a character so interesting as Jorah, played by such a talented actor as Ian Glenn, portraying such a complex relationship as Jorah + Dany and all you give us as a payoff is some weird hug in a field with a bunch of other people awkwardly standing around...I just have no respect for you as a story teller. This of course is just my one example to highlight the sheer laziness of this season. I'm so Salty. It's been gradually happening, but I think I can say fully and officially now that this show is mindless trash. Great. I'm hoping beyond all hope that they are just saving their energy for what looks to be a penultimate sort of episode next week. See you then.


-CjM

EP. 4 Review.The Spoils of Leaks

Hey all,

        Episode 4 "The Spoils of War" is now in the books after a rather dramatic HBO leak. Apparently releasing the 4th episode of GoT three days before it airs is considered a terrorist attack when it comes to a network. I get it, they don't want to lose revenue and viewership, but little do they know that the majority of their fans (myself included) probably watched the leak, took it in, then watched it again on their own accounts or at their friend's place on Sunday night like usual because to us, a leak means an extra viewing, and not a way to see it and then just spoil it for our friends. Do they not understand that their show has entered into the realm of "mindless medieval action series that we all love to gather around and enjoy together"?   So the leak happened, people either watched it or they didn't, and then Sunday came and went like normal.

Let's get into the episode! Spoilers as always, if you couldn't guess.


        We open on Bronn of the Blackwater and Jaime discussing the battle of Highgarden and the conditions of Bronn's loyalty. He's happy to fight for the Lannisters but also griping over not having a castle of his own  because he was told that he'd have one. Jaime has given him a giant bag of gold, which is a nice little theme for the episode, "The Spoils of War." Wars are won with gold. Bronn. The Iron bank knows this too and thus we are given privy to the notion that the bank will only support the Lannisters knowing that they have received payment for their support. But luckily, the Lannister forces have their new cashes of Tyrell gold well protected, and according to Randyll Tarly later in the episode, they've reached the city without any problems. So the wagons of gold apparently also have warping powers.

Kings Landing

        Mycroft is again reiterating that once the Iron Bank receives its due, they will happily support the Iron Throne's cause. They also mention the Golden Company who, if you are a book reader, you'll remember that they are among the most feared sell-sword companies in Essos whom Jorah Mormont once fought with before appearing to Dany in "A Game of Thrones." The company also has some Targeryen ties as well . I'm hoping that the show might introduce us to them and my dreams of Gendry returning will finally come true. This scene's overall purpose, I believe is to just reiterated the importance of the gold reaching KL. It does seem a bit superfluous, since we already kind of know that from last ep, but hopefully it will set up some more interesting alliances in the near future.

Dragonstone

        Then we go to Dragonstone  with Dany and Jon and Davos and Tyrion still making weird sitcom-y banter to make up for the fact that absolutely nothing interesting is happening in this plot yet. Jon, as we know, likes to take girls down into caves and kiss them 'down there', so he invites Dany to come check out the caves. Unfortunately, instead of us getting to see these two eligible sexy people tear at each other like we all know the show is leading up to, we get to suffer through another horribly forced history lesson about people resolving their differences and fighting zombies. How convenient is it that the Children of the Forest were randomly on Dragonstone and apparently have commissioned Sid the Sloth from Ice Age to draw paintings that happen to touch upon the only subject we've been concerning ourselves with on Dragonstone? How about that! It's as if Dragonstone comes with its own instructions, neat! So Jon leads Dany around to show her stuff and they exchange...bedroom eyes? There is nothing subtle about any of this, but again the lack of on-screen chemistry, combined with the hollow writing leaves this scene in the very same stale, nebulous state that every Jon-and-Dany scene has been up until this point.
        Jon wants Dany as an ally, and Dany wants Jon to bend the knee but there is no reason for her to keep pushing the issue other than to force us into thinking that it's dramatic. He clearly wants to remain an ally because they have a common enemy, and the line about "their king can save them," makes it sound like Dany will destroy them if they don't bend the knee. I think really the purpose of these scenes is to be titillating "will they wont they" fan service, but, again, none of the lines have any subtext, and the two actors have very little on-screen chemistry. What do we write for the two most vanilla actors portraying the most important characters in the series? Definitely nothing where they'd have to give us any type of emotion besides angsty head-butting. 
        So after leaving the Dragonglass caves, which are quite beautiful I think maybe, but shot in such poor lighting that it's hard to see all the money they spent on CGI, Dany receives news that she's getting her @ss handed to her on all fronts of that battle field. I still don't understand why Dorne's 20,000 spears are suddenly just out of contention even though the supposed new matriarch pledged herself to Dany before she was captured. Everybody knows where everybody else's army is, was, is going to be, but the Dornish somehow didn't get the message that they were invited to the war? K got it. So Dany gets mad and then decides to abandon her fortress and cross the entire continent to attack presumably King's Landing. She gone.
        Meanwhile on another thrilling episode of "desperately convincing the audience to ship Jon and Dany," Davos  makes a pun about staring at Dany's chest, then continues the legacy of Stannis the grammar Nazi by correcting Jon Snow thinking they have 10,000 men, maybe less. "Fewer," Davos corrects him. I do miss the wise, principled and brutally honest Davos we used to know and love, but quips are funny too I guess!
        Theon then washes up on shore and Jon doesn't like him because presumably he murdered his brothers but also saved Sansa and even though the Jon we know and love would probably have Theon arrested and tried for murder, show Jon just likes to whisper threats into people's ears because he's "tough but fair." Does he not recall the betrayal to Robb, the taking of Winterfell? As far as I can recall, Jon knows Bran is still alive because Sam revealed that to him, but Theon is still a turn cloak and should be treated as such.  Well a stern shirt-grabbing ought to set the betraying Greyjoy boy straight! I am excited to see what Jon will say to Dany about Theon next episode though. Jon won't bend the knee and Theon is a coward turn cloak. Keeping some solid company there Dany.

Winterfell

        Why? Why is Littlefinger giving this dagger to Bran? Why isn't Bran curious as to how LF ended up with it? Are we supposed to be intrigued by this plot point that was more or less concluded 6 seasons ago? Is this their Chekov's gun? Is Littlefinger giving this dagger as a gift so that Bran can randomly give it to Arya to kill LF with it? Are they seriously going to do that? I hope not. It also seems that Bran has revealed his omniscience to good ol' Petyr "fight ever battle, everywhere, always, in your mind," Baelish, which, if Bran knows how conniving and backstabbing LF is, why is he revealing that?
        Anyways, Meera Reed interrupts this trying-too-hard-to-be-dramatic scene and just tells Bran that she's f@cking off because her character was apparently only introduced four seasons ago as a plot device. She's going to apparently fast-travel to Greywater Watch way down in the Neck in the dead of winter by herself. She lost her brother and wants to be with her family, okay fine. But Bran doesn't care.
        When your characters show no emotion, your audience has nothing to connect with. It's lazy storytelling and quite honestly disrespectful to such a long journey arc that Bran has endured. He's the Three-Eyed Raven now, but who cares? That's literally the only insight we get to his moodswing is "he's the Three-Eyed Raven now." SOooOo what? At what point did we establish that being omnipotent makes you a dull d!ckhead?  "I don't need you anymore," he says, which is basically meta- commentary by the writers saying "you have no purpose anymore Meera so bye, we got too many plots to tie up."
        I'm so stuck on this new Brandroid character decision. If you want him to be a brooding teen fine, but maybe if Meera decided to leave him at the gates of Winterfell last episode and peaces out because she can't handle her grief, and Bran felt abandoned and betrayed and that's why he's so empty and cold and then he starts feeling the weight of his powers and the guilt of having Summer, Hodor, Leaf, Jojen, and the OG Three-Eyed Raven all die for him begins to set in and his way of dealing with it is to shut down emotionally, sure.  Instead he watches his best friend Meera (who in the books he's in love with, by the way) be written off the show and it's meant to be...who knows? It's cheap and feels almost intentionally anti- climactic. Having an omniscient character is a difficult decision for any show, but if you are only going to use that concept to alienate a character from the audience and expose plot when convenient...how are we supposed to enjoy the character in any way? What are his stakes if he's just some @sshole with powers that the writers seem to not even understand? If they are going for some detached, Dr. Manhattan plot with a struggle to hold on to a shred of himself while dealing with burden of knowing the secrets to all things...man they are falling short.

Writers: Have Bran tell everyone about how much he's changed so people can understand that he's changed and needs to do Three-Eyed Raven stuff.

Me: Show don't tell.

Writers: F@ck you, what do you think this is, a visual medium? Anyway we're only doing seven hours this year so we don't have time for all this "interesting plot" and "character development" and "emotion," so f@ck you again.
     
        Do you remember when Asha took Rickon and Shaggy-dog went to live with the Umbers and Rickon wanted to stay with Bran because he wanted to protect him? I cry like a sniveling child every time I see that scene. Not because it's overly sappy or drawn out, it's because these characters we care about are having an honest moment when they know that it is time to separate. But there is a conflict of interest and a lesson being learned: eventually, we all have to say goodbye. I wont even mention (as I mention it) the fact that when Sansa met Bran last episode, there was no mention of Rickon's death, who Bran traveled with, taught so many things to, and loved with all his heart. So this misguided writing thread continues with the departure of Meera, unable to communicate to the audience how we are supposed to feel other than confused and slighted.
        Then Arya comes back to Winterfell. This shot of her on horseback with Winterfell in the near distance is very beautiful. It's almost as if this character has an emotional tie to this place. But it is immediately upstaged by two random, bumbling Stark guards who stumbled straight out of Pirates of the Caribbean. Arya, a single, seemingly non-threatening young girl is begging entrance to the castle. Wouldn't there be like tons of small folk and journey-men and journey-women pouring into Winterfell on a daily basis with winter here and the Starks having taken back Winterfell? wouldn't that be an interesting political problem for the Lady Sansa to have to deal with instead of her just roaming around and telling trained blacksmiths to put leather on breastplates? Why? Why the f@ck? Put nipples on them too while you're at it.
        So Arya is denied entrance to her own home from some random guards reminiscent to when she's denied entryway in King's Landing back to her father's quarters way back in Season 1. I read a lot of reviews calling these types of scenes "callbacks," but I see them more as recycled material from hacks that have no connection to the story they are trying to breeze through. These two bumbling Northmen, for instance, while admittedly very funny and having excellent on-screen chemistry, have zero relevance to the story and have completely robbed us out of a moment that we waited six seasons for. Arya has decided to go home. The show has made this a plot point. If she were the cold-hearted, gratuitous killer that they sometimes try to direct her as, she would have forgone the reunion and just gone to KL. But she's chosen to go home. So why are we as an audience given such an empty, meaningless establishment shot? Where is the slow pan from her point of view sweeping over the Winterfell courtyard? She WANTED TO GO HOME, remember? Why why is she here if not to reconnect with her old self and be with her family. Where is the silent but vulnerably expressive stare from the lovely Maisie Williams that we have come to know and love? She honestly looked board. If D&D want us to believe that after these long years and exciting adventures, the only "change" in the Stark children is that they are lifeless, uninteresting automatons with nothing but "vengeance and bad@ss sword skills" to offer, then I think they may as well have avoided these reunions in the first place. If our characters don't seem to give a sh!t about anything or anyone, then why should we?
        So after the guards from Pirates of the Caribbean tell Sansa about a girl claiming to be Arya coming in and then disappearing, Sansa immediately knows where she must be for some reason. She doesn't chastise her idiot guards, she just goes down into the crypts, because that was obviously Arya's favorite spot as a little girl. So Arya's come home to see the memorial of her dead father and then her sister shows up.  From the "Inside the Episode" D&D were apparently inspired by Odysseus' return to Ithica, which, okay, but it's not about whether Arya is recognized, it's about whether Arya recognizes her home, and if she recognizes herself in her home. This could have been revealed in the scene of Sansa and her reuniting by their father's memorial. Despite our differences, despite our failings, shortcomings, despite the tragic things we've endured, we are home now and we are family.  But no, you see D&D always insist on shying away from sentiment in order to deliberately leave the audience without a narrative payoff. This directing choice makes no logical sense, because the characters go from having strangely tepid reactions to seeing one another alive, to then revealing way too much information about their respective lives.
         Arya reveals within the first 30 seconds of reuniting with her sister the fact that she has a list of people she is going to murder, yet their sibling embrace feels like they are estranged cousins at a family reunion. Sansa then talks about how she "wished she, like, totally had killed Jeoffery lol," and they have a lovely chuckle. No. Sansa the sweet girl who dreams of knights and songs and princesses, Sana the trauma and rape victim, Sansa the survivor wouldn't  be casually glib about the day that she became the most wanted girl in all of Westeros. These characters have endured and grown so much an you'd think that their reunion arcs would be to put petty sibling rivalries aside because they realize that all they have, at the end of it all, is family? Wouldn't that be the point of growing up? No, D&D want you to know, per their inside the ep, that "Arya's really good at killing people, and that's a bit worrisome." Why? why is that worrisome to have your long lost sister return and be good at killing? Do you really expect us to think that Arya and Sansa have endured what they have endured and still hold on to petty sibling jealousy? F@ck you guys, you clearly haven't read the source material that you purchased the rights to.
        They again exhibit this narrative cluelessness when Arya, for some reason, decides to reveal to all the world that she's a bad@ss water dancer by fighting Brienne, arguably the best fighter in Westeros. That's the first thing an assassin should do after all, reveal her skill in the middle of a courtyard. And while I enjoyed the choreography and thought it was fun to see two of my favorite characters spar, the fight felt a bit unrealistic. The sheer size and strength of Brienne would enable her to wallop little Arya in seconds. But, apparently all that stick battling with the waif made her able to dance around with one of the best swords in the kingdom. I suspended my disbelief by telling myself that Brienne was just going easy on Arya, even though she totally wasn't because you don't kick a little girl in the chest just to win a yard brawl. This is most clearly just fan service, but fine. Arya's a bad@ss, which we already knew, but now Sana and Littlefinger both know. OoOooooOOOoo I wonder what will happen next. Oh! I know! It's pretty clear Arya is being lined up to kill Little Finger with his own blade. This sounds obvious and a bit writ, so that's what I'm assuming D&D will be doing. I'm sure it will happen in the books too, but it might involve some "complexity, poetic irony..." those types of things that good story-tellers like to add.
         Overall I'd say my general criticism of the Winterfell plot can be summed up with the following writer's rubric: Tell more story and less plot. There is so much to cover with these interesting and complex characters all coming together, and, in Winterfell especially, D&D continue to treat each character like a walking plot point. So much, it feels, is happening but the audience is so removed from all of it. Sansa's only lines have been either generic commanding things, because apparently her being in charge means that all her lords have no f@cking clue how to function anymore, and if she isn't commanding, she's being used as a backboard for her siblings to showcase how much they've drastically changed from one moment to the next when it's convenient. Stop pretending to give the characters something worth while to do and let us in on why they've all decided to come home and how being home is affecting them.          

        Okay at this point you're probably wondering why I'm even bothering to review this show of which I possess such harsh, in-depth, and sometimes pedantic criticisms, and again I'll remind you that I owe this show everything when it comes to being exposed to the Song of Ice and Fire world of which this fan-fiction adaptation is based off. It's fallen into a bit of a decline, but it does have its moments. Which brings me to my favorite segment so far in the entire season:            

The Field of Fire/ Attack on the Loot Train

        Dany. would you like to fast travel half way across the world to a place you haven't discovered to cut off an army of which you'd have no way of knowing their exact location? Yes!

        So Bronn and Jaime are chatting with Dickon about the battle of HG, and Dickon, the son of a Highborn Lord has apparently never squired or seen combat or anything. He knew many of the soldiers that they killed in Highgarden and it was a difficult thing to happen. Jaime had to explain to him the ways of war while Dickon's father runs around suggesting that they need to hall @ss and flog stragglers. Clearly Father Tarly has a habit of neglecting his sons, even the one he favors. As Bronn and Jaime and Dickon talk war and call back to Robert Baratheon's drunken observations of how they don't tell you how men shit themselves after they die, they don't put that in the songs, Bronn puts a halt to the conversation because he hears the rumbling of hooves...
        The Dothraki have come to Westeros! This is the first time we get a real glimpse of what they can do in an open field other than last season when they laid waste to the Sons of the Harpies. Then, out of the sky, accompanied with that same awesome rumbling musical sound cue, flies the Dragon Queen on the back of Drogon. The Lannisters are f@cked.
         In the "after the episode" segment, D&D say that "This battle is the moment Dany has been waiting for." This leads me to believe that they have no concept as to what Dany wants or has wanted. Dany is not a general. Dany is not a warrior. Dany is a queen figuring out that ruling sometimes means making terrible sacrifices and difficult decisions. We already have a conquering Targ in the books--his name is Aegon and he's a naive, brash, bold, fool hearty conqueror who takes Dragonstone from the remaining forces of Stannis with help of the aforementioned Golden Company. Daenerys dreams of the house with the red door in Braavos with the trees in the garden, not of setting armies on fire. But I guess since they omitted Young Griff, the secret Targaryen from the show, they now have to assassinate Daenerys's character so she seems all bad@ss before she succumbs to her ruthless Targaryen side.
        Putting aside my issues with what they've done to Daenerys, we get to enjoy one of the finest, on-screen battles that the show has ever done. "Attack on the Loot Train" they call it, but I'd like to reference an old Ice and Fire battle back when Aegon the Conqueror first landed and call it: The Field of Fire. The amount of exciting pyrotechnics, awesome stunts, and cool dragon shots was astounding. Whenever they write battle segments, D&D do what I wish so badly they could do with the rest of their scripts. There is build up and fear and clear story-telling. They focus so well on the main characters and you know exactly what the motivation is. There is danger and balance for both sides of the fight, and all characters involved have everything to lose, so much that you almost don't know who to root for. I was on the edge of my seat. What CGI they used was well rendered, the choreography exciting and realistic, and the practical effects gave you a real feel for the firepower that a full-grown Drogon can do to the armies of Westeros.
        Watching the Dothraki battle was something I had been looking forward to for quite a long time, and I was not actually disappointed at all. They moved like Dothraki, they were brutal and graceful and fearless, but they were not unstoppable, being on foreign soil and against commanders like Jaime and Randyll Tarly. With the help of Drogon however, the Lannister forces were simply no match for Dany and her Khalasar. Tyrion looked on with the same look that Wormtongue had when he saw the awesome force of Sarumon.
        A line that bothered me was when the random Dothrak says to Tyrion "Your people cannot fight." I mean... you took your enemy, who just finished conquering a city, by surprise with a dragon. 'Nuff said kid. And know your history. The Dothraki are fierce warriors, but can they sustain their prowess after months of waiting out wave after wave of Lannister forces, and battling at sea, and winter? We shall see.  
        We also saw, with some dandy heroics from Bronn, that Drogon is indeed able to be killed. Drogon destroys the Scorpion (luckily they brought that with them) but not before Bronn puts a bolt straight into his shoulder. I wasn't sure how Dany would be able to pull out of that tailspin, but as I said earlier I was on the edge of my seat. This is a credit, again, to the showrunners' great ability to tell a dramatic story through battle sequences. So now we know that The Dothraki and the dragons are a force to be feared, but that the Lannisters have weapons that can do some serious damage in the long run. I'd like to see 10 of those scorpions lined up to face the 3 dragons and see what happens.
        As the Lannister forces scatter, we close in on the last few frames of dramatic sequence: Dany dismounts from Drogon to pull the bolt out from his shoulder. Jaime sees this and decides it might be worth his life if he can drive a spear through the Dragon Queen. I'm reminded of another scene with Robert (man he has all the conventional wisdom that nobody seems to heed) Baratheon when he killed some Tarly boy who tried to end the war with a single swing of his sword.  And so just like that Tarly boy, (man, maybe this plot point should have been saved for Dickon Tarly, oh well, that wouldn't have been as dramatic surely) Jaime charges Dany while her back is turned. With Tyrion watching it all unfold, we see a spark of sympathy for his brother. This may not play out well for Tyrion in the long run having feelings and stuff.
        So he watches his brother heroically but foolishly charge at Dany, and just as he is closing in on her, Drogon comes to her aid. The last thing we see is the inside of Drogon's throat as he prepares to turn Jaime to ash. But wait! Jaime is knocked off his horse by a faceless hero ( is it Bronn? Yes. Yes, it's Bronn) and then plunges into the very deep ravine that his horse was just galloping through moments ago. I'm less concerned about the depth of the water unlike all the other criticisms I've read, because I've been in a multitude of lakes and rivers and the like where one minute you are soaking your feet in the sand, and the next minute you are seemingly plunging to the bottom of the ocean. There are way more things to be upset about concerning things like um, rushing plots, canned dialogue and character assassinations...so yeah, how'd that water get so deep! is the least of my concern.

        So the epic battle comes to a close and Jaime is left floating towards the bottom of the (river? Lake-ish?) water in full plate armor. I don't know how he's going to escape this one, but I know that D&D don't give cliff hangers unless they are planning a payoff (Jon's death *cough*). So for now, I guess we have to wait to see what Dany decides to do with the defeated Lannister forces.

As far as the bar set for this season, I suppose this could be considered the best (though even typing that out feels undeserved) episode of the season. My faith has not yet been restored in this former television epic, and hope that we can start to string together a cohesive narrative going forward. I'm confident we will see more of our golden-haired hand and his sellsword companion, I'm confident we will see more brutally forced Dany and Jon scenes void of all purpose and chemistry, I'm confident the showrunners have no idea why they brought the Stark children together and I'm confident that I'll keep watching because despite it all, despite the nonsensical plot setups, the meandering dialogue, the incongruities of characterization, I'm still very excited for next week's episode. How's that for a complex?

-CjM