GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 EP. 2 REVIEW

     


GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 EP. 2 REVIEW

Spoilers ahead!!!!!!!!!!!

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With Episode 2, "Stormborn" coming to a close, we've got some serious plot developments and continuing reminders of what a wonderful person Tyrion is, and some reunions happening...Gendry is back from his 4 season row-a-thon! Ha, just kidding. But 'Arry the orphan does get reunited with two old friends from all the way back in seasons 1+2 respectively. You remember those days, right? When the show didn't have so many continuity errors, plot holes and disregard for characters traveling across entire continents from scene to scene? ... well anyway. Let's dive in!

       We open the episode titled "Stormborn," aptly, on Dragonstone. Last episode we got a 5 minute triumphant montage of Dany and the Jets climbing the crags and sands and Dragonglass-embedded cliffs of her family's old castle. This episode for some reason she's already sick of being home. Okay? Strange dialogue, and Tyrion opens with the most canned expository line of "you know, person named after being born in a storm, you were born in a storm like this." Heavy sigh. Even casual viewers, I'm sure are thinking "yeah, no duh?" This, I feel, was a line meant for someone like Barriston Selmy, whose purpose was not of exposition, but as a link to Dany's past: Barriston the Bold, a man who served and protected her father loyally and fought beside her brother would mention this as an anecdote. Well he was killed in an alleyway by peasants with knives so now we just have what's left of Tyrion's character, drinking and knowing things.

       This, Tyrion drinking and knowing things I mean, persists throughout the entire Dragonstone segment. It's fine that he knows Westeros, but I think that many of Dany's cabinet do, don't they? Why is Tyrion a military general all of the sudden? Why isn't my man Grey Worm telling him to stfu because Tyrion's never held a spear in his life and he needs to leave the war planning to the warriors? Why doesn't Dany have a plan at all? I wouldn't go so far as to just write this off as "mansplaining," because Tyrion should be listened to, he does have value and strategy to add...but this scene is just so out of character for both he and Dany, and the actual battle plan: “Divide and conquer across an entire continent”, is probably a bad idea without knowing who your allies or enemies are.

So they'll send Yara and Theon and the Sand Snakes to go get the Dornish army and then move in from the south...wait. Why wasn't the Dornish army with them? Did they travel with lady Olena alone? Like without anything to show or share with Dany? Just a prince's murderous widow and her three bastard children showing up with an old lady? Okay fine, GRRM sent Quintyn Martel to ally with Dany in the books I suppose, and he ended up getting roasted by a Dragon after proposing to her, so I guess it's fine but it's just another plot hole. The snakes can't just send a raven to rally their troops? Oh that's right, they don't have anyone else to send it to because they murdered the entire royal family for...reasons... misandry and justice for none!

P.S. Dany, how's Meereen doing under that Mercenary you left in charge? Who cares though, right? Not like you pissed off and destabilized the entire continent of Essos and then just bounced...NO we have a villain to stop, stay on task!

       Continuing on Dragonstone we get Dany calling Varys out for being the spider that he is. This was a relief but, like Jon and Sansa spiffing (more on that later), this scene just feels awkward and not at all dramatic when in front of the entire war council. I know this episode is written by Brian Cogman who, unlike D&D probably goes back to actually check continuity and does his best to keep the spirit of the characters, so I'm glad we at least get to have these much-needed interactions to fill in plot holes, but this particular moment felt forced. I did enjoy her threat to burn Varys alive though. There is a shred of (what I hope to see more of) Targaryen madness in Dany, and I think her character needs it because YAWWWWnNNnN at Daenaerys so far this season.

So the terrible plan is laid out, the plan with hardly any reconnaissance, the plan that in Season 1 Robert Baratheon told us doesn't work. One army, with a single leader, with a single purpose. (Click here to remember the good days when characters hid their ambitions and made logical arguments.) and then Lady Olena speaks up when all the others have gone. She tells Dany to not listen to all the sheep telling her what to do, to be a Dragon. She's right. Tyrion's plan is doomed to suffer losses. But Dany might take that advice a bit too literally and start burning Westeros to the ground. That might at least make good television so...it's something.

       Next up on Dragonstone is that Malisandre shows up conveniently when Dany is pardoning people for serving other kings. Lucky her. Mal comes clean about mistaking the wrong person as rightful king. Oops. Mal tells of the prophecy (fickle things, these prophecies have been lately) of Azor A'hai and Missandei corrects the translation of "prince that was promised" to be a gender neutral word meaning royalty, or something way more clunky anyway. Well isn't that just convenient? So, as far as Dany sees it: Girl power. Dany likes Mal and now it's officially crowded here on stormy Dragonstone.

Lastly on Dragonstone we get my favorite scene of the entire episode. Greyworm is preparing to go off to Casterly Rock and Missandei finds him in his room and we actually get to see some acting. GW talks about his tortured slavery and how the fear was beaten out of him as a boy. But now he has fear again because he loves Missandei. This scene is very tender and vulnerable for both these characters that are plunged into a foreign world and have very little to hold on to. Now they have one another. I'm not crying, YOU'RE crying! Then they have..errr...sex? Eunichs typically still have thier d!cks for like peeing and stuff, but who knows, and we as an audience are not privy to the answer of whether or not he does still have his. The scene is still rather sexually graphic, but it does not feel gratuitous because we actually care about these characters and their struggles and their relationships. It's a very beautiful scene.

       

       In Winterfell Jon receives a letter that Sansa reads from Tyrion. It was the fastest Raven to ever fly, it would seem. I know, I know, I'm supposed to turn my brain off for stuff like this, but I refuse to. So Sansa reads the note from Tyrion forcing Jon to come bend the knee to the invading Targaryn Queen. I can almost see the wonderfulness of this scene in the (never arriving) books:

Jon is dealing with a Wildling uprising or some such Northern House drama in Winterfell as they prepare for the war, Sansa is being coyly manipulated by Littlefinger but she has achieved some empowerment over LF so she's playing him as well as questioning Jon at every turn because she likes the taste of power, Davos and Royce are doing their best to keep the piece and urge Jon not to back the Mad King's daughter and then the raven flies in after Jon retires to his quarters: the quarters of his father Ned and Cat, both long dead as he is haunted by the memory of his terrible childhood. A fire blazes in the hearth as Ghost lays lazily at his feet. He reads the letter from Tyrion: All Dwarves are Bastards in their father's eyes. Jon doesn’t call attention to it, he just reads it because it's not, again, a moment of exposition, but a moment that we, fans of the material, get to have between two of our favorite characters. Then the chapter ends.

       Instead we get clunky and forced dialogue that feels all at once expository and nostalgic for its own sake. Not to mention how cringe worthy these lines of I think Jon is just super cool! and I think Tyrion is a swell gentleman! are really testing my patience and intelligence as both a fan and viewer. But I digress. My predictions on receiving word from Bran were wrong. Jon instead is going to plan on backpacking across the continent to have a date with aunt Dany. So. That's happening pretty darn soon.

Oh! And he's leaving Sansa in charge, his sister who has, up until this very moment been in opposition to every decision he has made so far. And she's left ripe for Littlefinger to dig his claws into despite the next scene, which rather randomly takes place in the crypts of Winterfell with only Jon and Littlefinger present. I mean if you wanted to take Winterfell, now would be the time LF...no? We do get a nice satisfying callback to when Ned threw him up against the wall of his brothel in season 1 though. Ahhh the Starks, quick tempers slow minds.

In King’s Landing, Cersei has called her banners and the support is looking pretty thin. "Some of you are bannermen of house Tyrell who is in open rebellion against the crown." Well yeah, no shit. You blew them all up in a horrific terrorist attack! Were you going to explain that? No? I mean it was wildfire and a Targaryen has returned! It's the perfect scapegoat to rally the realm! Hello? Brian? Dan? Dave? Ahhhhh, they don't give a sh!t. They have to make Cercei evil and irrational from here on out so that we fall back in love with Jaime without them having to write anything interesting or conflicting for him…

WAIT! A scene with Lord Tarly of the Reach! So the Lords of Westeros seem to be silently kowtowed as far as their new Queen is concerned, but Randyll Tarly of Horn Hill still has sh!t to do. He is among the most feared and genious military minds in all of Westeros. He has come to swear allegiance to the queen but is now being asked to destroy...Olena Tyrell? Does Jaime mean like, assassinate her? Or like destroy her root and stem on the battlefield (Ha, because the Tyrell's sigil is a Rose, get it)? So it seems that the Lannisters do have some pretty sick tricks to pull.

       Down in the underbelly of King's Landing's Keep we get a scene with Cersei and Quiburn discussing their new awesome plot to destroy these feared and awesome dragons... How you ask??...You know the plot of the third Hobbit movie where Bard the Bowman slays Smaug with a black arrow from a windlance? Oh you didn’t see it? Well, it's that. It's exactly that apparently. Oh good, I was afraid it would be something interesting. As bad as that third Hobbit movie was though, at least they spent some money on the CGI to make it look good...what's your excuse HBO? I mean it would have literally taken 2 seconds to put in a line about how the only thing strong enough to pierce dragon's hide is dragon bone and the Keep is literally filled with bones of dragons. Fine. What do I know about fantasy lore?

        

       In Oldtown Sam is inexplicably in Jorah's cell with Marwyn the Mage, who thus far is sounding more like Marwyn the skeptic, Marwyn the establishment researcher...but hey. So they are checking out Jorah's Greyscale, I suppose we as an audience have to assume it's part of his studies, and Marwyn tells Jorah that he's f@cked. Welp Jorah's explorin' days are seemingly coming to an end folks...but wait! Sam may have found a cure for greyscale and wants to attempt a disgustingly graphic surgery on the Bear Knight. So as Jorah writes a suicide note affectionately addressed to Khaleesi (because he's old school romantic) Sam comes rolling in with his bad@ss self to save the day and (if my predictions are correct) infect some serious people with greyscale accidently. That’s just my prediction on a plot that would actually be interesting but I have this sick feeling that things might just go fine for everyone. So we sit through the delicate surgery "I know I'm ripping into your decaying flesh that seems to explode with puss when I touch it, but please try not to scream." ... until the the scene fades from unsightly soars to unsightly pies in...

 

        The King's Road starring Arya "pretty much did everything she set out to do already" Stark. There's a lovely callback scene with plenty more exposition when we get a reunion (told you they were coming!) with Hot Pie! They trade quips about baking pies (ha) and he tells Arya about Cersei and her "explosive" new attitude and then lets her know that Jon won the Battle of the Bastards and for some reason Arya had no idea. I really hate that he refers to it as the Battle of the Bastards. It seems cheap and meta and I cringed more than a little bit. Anyways, she's decided to head North just as Jon leaves for his cross-continent trip to Dragonstone...which by the way is on an island, right? So I guess they'll get ferried across? Fine.
Then we get the real reunion that has the fandom psyched: Nymeria. This scene is almost good. It's set well and could be suspenseful, but it feels very rushed and anticlimactic. Also the CGI on the Direwolf is clearly just a spliced shot of a regular-sized wolf being enlarged and superimposed next to other wolves. It feels cheap and honestly at this point, HBO has no more excuses to not make the CGI of the Direwolves better. They have a collective 5 minutes in the entirety of the last 4 seasons and it's very dull. The Direwolves are every part as important to the Starks as the Dragons are to Dany. #whereisghost #protectdirewolves

So Arya finds Nymeria and then the wolf just pieces out. Great. Arya has a line when Nymeria leaves that has people very confused. "That's not you." Simple but very convoluted. The problem here again, is with the writers. Brian Cogman goes way out of his way to include snippets from character's old selves, continuity, and nice little touches that connect us with the spirit of the show, D&D do not. Brian is overcompensating with connections to the past, because, well, he likes to do that and he knows that the audience fell in love with the show for a reason. D&D do not do that, so things get left behind in their episodes. "That's not you," referred to a conversation Arya had with her father when they reached the capitol. "You'll grow up to be as pretty as your sister and marry a nice lord," says Ned. "No. That's not me." says Arya. So while I appreciate the nod (and I'm the type of person who would make this obscure connection, so that tells you who that line was for) it comes off as, again, convoluted and out of context. In the books, however, it would read nicely:

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       "Come back with me, girl, and we can tear our enemies apart together." Arya said as the Direwolf's chin dripped with blood and stringy spit. She could smell that the wolves had been hunting. She could almost taste the blood the same way she tasted it at the Twins. Arya thought of her home again for the first time in a lifetime. Nymeria brought it out of her: The walls, the halls, her warm feather bed...she longed for it. Her family, what was left of it anyways, would be waiting for her, as Hot Pie would tell it. She had to go home. She could almost feel the warmth of her brother Jon. She couldn't believe it, but she even found herself wanting for Sansa. To apologize, to reconcile, to tell her everything and share with her the stories of her adventures. Sansa was surely even more beautiful now than when they had been at King's Landing together all those years ago. Arya's eyes filled with tears as she imagined the horns of Winterfell welcoming her in as she rode upon the back of her Direwolf with a pack of a hundred other snarling beasts in tow. Jon would be crying too. Jon loved her.

 Father always said we had the same eyes, Jon.
As Arya stared deeply into her wolve's eyes through the cloudiness of her own, she felt a wildness inside her that she had not felt in many moons. She reached out to touch Nymeria, but the Direwolf snapped and barked like the wild beast she was. There was no taming her. She was no steed to be ridden into battle triumphantly, no pet to be called as she pleased. No, Arya now realized that she was lucky enough to still be alive in this pack's presence. With a single twist of fate, she could be torn limb from limb and that would be the end of it. Such is the nature of beasts, and this Shewolf was wilder than any of them.

        No.  Arya realized as Nymeria turned her back. You won't come back with me, will you girl? That's not you. You must be free to fight your own battles as I have done mine. You're with your kind now. Goodbye Nymeria.

       One by one Nymeria's wolves peeled away into the pack to follow their leader, and just like that, the Direwolf had gone. The sun was almost set, and Arya's cheeks were frozen by her tears and so she wiped them and returned to her little fire with her poor, petrified pony. If she were to reach Winterfell with any haste, she'd need her rest.  

       You have your pack, Arya thought as she heard the wolves howling in the distance. Now I have to find mine.

        

                                                                      ***

       Okay I got a little carried away with some serious fan fiction there, I know. But the general point is that Arya knows she cannot control her Direwolf because she never could, just like Ned Stark could never control her. So yeah that scene was major blue balls.

       

       Lastly, we go to the coast of Dragonstone/ Blackwater Bay or wherever. The ocean where Dany's fleet is sailing to Dorne. We get a scene with the sandsnakes bickering again because they really haven't offered us anything for them personality-wise other than "cool fighters." Then we go to Yara and Elleria Sand having a super awkward lesbian scene with Theon watching that only a dude could have written. Props to the actors for saying way more in their facial expressions than this hysterical dialogue ever could. So Elleria and Yara are tot's about to kiss when bam! evil nuncle Euron shoots their ships with firebolts and boards their ship!

        So how did Euron like...know exactly which ship to hit? How did Yara and Theon not know of thier uncle's giant armada of ships fast approaching in the very same waters they sailed in? Questions we probably wont get answers to because the plot gods blessed this entire scenario with dumb luck, I suppose.

So now we have a rather brutal fight where Ironborn clash with Ironborn and nuncle does away with Obara and Nym Sand. Pretty decent choreography this time around and we're all pretty thankful for that I think. I know I'm just thankful that the showrunners found a way to write off the Dornish tragedy all together. Their story went nowhere because it was mishandled and D&D should be ashamed. Dorne died with Oberyn in my opinion. Anyways, Yara and Theon are holding their own but when Euron beats Yara, Theon is faced with a choice...is this Theon? No, it's Reek taking over. Reek jumps into the water like a coward and Euron has successfully destroyed Dany's fleet. The Gift Euron was speaking to Cersei about, is apparently the Dornish women who were responsible for killing her daughter. I don't know how he would have known of this, hell, I'm still not sure why the Sandsnakes decided to kill one of the biggest bargaining chips in the entire world...but here we are folks, beyond the books and, like Theon, floating away in murky waters. Euron has no dragon eggs, or dragon horn, he's just a hyper-masculine pirate warrior with some big bollocks. I do like that he fights with an ax the way his brother Victarian would if he existed, so I'm still a Euron fan even though he is coming dangerously close to Ramsey territory wherein he's entirely invincible for plot reasons until he isn't. We'll see what happens. I see dragons in his future.

       So there we have it...episode 2 in the books and (holy gods!) only 5 episodes to go in the season. It's starting to feel too real and I'm hoping that a lot of these horribly obvious plot arches get interrupted by, say, an army of white walkers fast approaching?

Afterthoughts:

       The show is lining up for a meeting with Jon and Dany, and I for one hope it goes badly. I want her to tell him to bend the knee or he'll be destroyed and I want him to tell her to eat a d!ck. After all, doesn't Tormond say to him You spent too much time with us, Jon Snow. You can never be a kneeler again. I know that won't happen because the show has been working so hard to convince you that "the good peeps" on all sides of the isle are coming together all of the sudden when the realm is most unstable. I want to see Dany become the Dragon and pay for it. I'm seeing a huge battle that goes poorly for Dany because of some brilliant tactical strategy from Tarly and heroics from Jaime, but I think the show has now turned its back on irony, nuance, unpredictability and foreshadowing to make room for fan service, obviousness and "badass empowerment," you know, everything the author of the books laughs at. Hey, I could be wrong. Overall the episode did its job to shake things up a bit and I look forward to seeing the Battle at Casterly Rock, the meeting of Jon and Dany, and for the love of the old gods and the new, give us more Bran at the wall!

Until next episode ladies and gent's!

-CjM     

GAME OF THRONES RECAP SEASONS 5+6!!!

Dear Reader,

HAPPY ALMOST GAME OF THRONES TIME!!!!! So, I’ve been an informed and avid "Song of Ice & Fire" book series fan, and avid show watcher of HBO's interpretation of the series for quite some time. It's best you know that about me now. Actually, the topic of fantasy in general sends me into an inspired call to arms worthy of the Riders of Rohan.Want to dissect differences of Tolkien and CS Lewis in Terms of their subtle/ not so subtle use of allegorical imagery, or compare the expansive histories and secondary worlds of Westeros and Middle-Earth? From speculating The Dornish Master Plan or uncovering the mystery behind The Prince that was Promised in "Ice and Fire", to dissecting the metaphor of grief in the land of Termina in "Zelda," I'm your guy. Let's be friends. That being said, I'd like to get us up to speed with the last few seasons and my thoughts on how they compare to the books, then in the next post I'll talk about some possible theories in the upcoming season of Game of Thrones!!!

BOOK+ SHOW SPOILERS AHEAD********

Leading up to now...

        If you know me, dear reader, you know that I have a very vocal "Love-Hate" relationship with HBO'S Game of Thrones. It's a borderline complex. The show very realistically changed my life in 2011 as it did for many of us Fantasy nerds when Season 1 appeared with a promo poster of Sean Bean sitting on the Iron Throne with his Greatsword  Ice in his grasp. As pilot episodes are concerned (I've seen this one over a dozen different times with a dozen different people), it's perfect. I use it as a rubric of shaping a show and introducing characters, relationships, cultures, and themes whenever I'm writing scripts. If it weren't for the show, admittedly I'd never have read the books at all, so I must give credit where credit is due. Season 1 changed television. Seriously. The world of television was one way, then Game of Thrones happened and it was another. As far as High Fantasy, which for quite some time has been faced with a serious case of plateauing as tired narrative themes go, GoT revitalized the Genre and exploded into pop culture because of it. The Novels are a deeeeeeeeply rendered Secondary World with Rich histories and dozens of complex, conflicted and enjoyable POV characters. It is less "wholly good versus wholly evil" and more "the battle of good and evil within the heart of each individual person." It taps into the rich, dark history of Scottish, Nordic, and English history and has deep connections with countless mythological and religious references. It is shrouded in endless mystery and chalk full of twists and turns and is not beholden to any type of literary theme. In fact, it is deconstructive as a narrative and somewhat Nihilistic. Some might say that this type of anarchic, meandering and even long winded writing style doesn't belong in high fantasy, but I say that it must, especially concerning Westeros, in order to focus honestly on the brutal, vindictive, opportunistic, and territorial nature of human history. It's so f@cking inspiring. And HBO's Game of Thrones Season 1, which captures the entire first book of the series, is some of the best television to ever exist.  It has excellent thematic elements, great character relationships and hi-jinx, suspense, action, drama, intrigue...all the goodies. Excuse me, I'm salivating...

    Now, my personal, picky problems with seasons 2-4 aside, (because at that point I had inhaled all the books and became a bit of a snob) it was still great television by any measure. The reason for their success being a clear vision with momentum that stuck very close to the brilliant source material from which the show was born out of. Then Season 5 came. This, for me at least, dear reader was the most highly anticipated season of them all. The 4th+5th book of OSOIAF contains some of the most imaginative adventures, intriguing politics and dramatic moments with new and old characters alike. Some people have a problem with the 4th novel, A Feast for Crows, despite it's more-than-essential plot developments in King's Landing, the Vale, The Iron Islands, Braavos and Dorne. But no Jon, no Tyrion, no Danny, no Davos so people write it off as the B list book. Certain things like Sansa playing pattycake with "Sweet Robyn" in the Vale for 100 pages, okay I'm on board, that was tough to get through especially after that iconic scene with Sansa building Winterfell in the Snow and Littlefinger kissing her...where do you go from there? Nowhere, that’s where.  But as far as Brienne's adventures, the Iron Islands and just ALL OF DORNE OMG WHY WAS IT EVEN A THING...the show's interpretation missed the mark entirely.

What happened was:

    Season 3+4 were incredibly fleshed out, meaty, involved. D&D (GoT's showrunners, David Benioff and DB Weiss) wisely decided to take Book 3 A Storm of Swords, and make 2 seasons, 20 hours of television out of it. Game of Thrones was at the time (and still is to some degree) the most popular show on television and this decision paid off for everyone's benefit. Jaime losing his hand, The Red Wedding, The Purple Wedding Tyrion's Trial, the Mountain vs. the Viper, Danny liberating the slave cities of Essos, The Hound vs. Brienne (not in the books but still badass) , The Battle at the Wall... These were all incredible television moments from season 3+4 that were such a joy to watch on screen. I couldn't wait to see what they would do with the next two books!

       At this point, dear reader I am a super fan of epic proportion of both the books, (I was going through my first re-read after just moving to Brooklyn) and the show (I was the mouthpiece and marketing assistant for HBO & cliche fan judging people's character based on whether or not they digested the same type of media as I did) alike.

       However, the problem persisted in my mind that book 4, the "B-Team Book" would be a problem. As a diehard consumer and lover of the Greyjoys, Hotah and the Martels, Samwell, and Cersei, Jaime, Brienne’s love quagmire, I would have been perfectly happy with season 5 being the content from Feast for Crows and then waited for season 6 to include all the content from Dance with Dragons, but I knew that wouldn't be the case. I figured, and had even meticulously drawn out the plot points (because I’m so cool), that they would have ALL the characters from both books and combine the timeline into 2 seasons. There is so much juicy material and so many more interesting characters to introduce into the world!!!    

    Anyway Season 5 started off really cool with some interesting plots developing at the wall, Arya getting to the house of Black and White, but overall it was their weakest season because they decided, instead of keeping with the same rubric, that is 1 book, 1 season (and in season 3+4's case 1 book 2 seasons) they hackkkk into Feast for Crows and Dance with Dragons and combine them into 1 season. Not to mention, George has pulled away from the show to now plug mercilessly away at his 6th book at this point. So D&D cut short many characters, added "surprising" twists for the sake of having shock value, and their poor choices in plot omissions/ divergence, character assassinations, and tonal betrayals of the show, (both by either literally killing off, or betraying GRRM's meticulously planned out character arcs) along with so much of the dialogue ringing so false and cliche, it made season 5 incredibly difficult to watch. Season 5 covered almost 2,000 pages of material in only 10 hours and somehow felt like the slowest season thus far. It was strange to say the least. Luckily the actor’s performances are always top notch, the action sequences are exciting, and I really was only interested in seeing how D&D were going to pull off the death of Jon Snow. It actually didn't disappoint and the world held its breath for a whole year (OMFG it was over 2 year ago)!

       So season 5 comes to a close and it's like make or break time, you feel me? They have surpassed the books. They've been preeeeetty f@cking reckless with some of this material and it's starting to feel as though the wheels are coming off. Victarian Greyjoy doesn't exist. Euron Greyjoy doesn't exist, Quinten Martel doesn't exist, Arianne Martel doesn't exist, Jon Connington doesn't exist, Aegon Targaryen doesn't exist, Lady Stoneheart doesn't exist and all the minor characters in all their plots...so cool...did D&D even read the books though...? You've heard of feeling like butter scraped over too much bread? Well this felt like a whole stick of butter wrapped in a single piece bread and jammed down our throats. But we get the highlight reel of stuff happening right?

        So far in Season 5 They've killed off Barriston the Bold, given Jorah Greyscale, sent Sansa (taking the place of Jayne Pool in the books. I actually quite like this change as far as dramatic stakes) to marry and be brutalized by Ramsey, Arya is training to be a faceless man in Braavos Stannis the Mannis' character is officially unrecognizable and dismantled when he burns his daughter at the stake with hardly any cause. He may very well do this eventually in the books, but let me tell you, it won’t be because some horses ran away in the night. Twenty good men my @ss. So now his entire family is dead and army in shambles when he loses at Winterfell and is killed by Brienne, Tyrion meets Danny, Sansa escapes Ramsey with Reek, Jaime Adventures to Dorne with Bronn and everyone wastes their time watching it happen, and finally Jon Snow is killed by the brothers of the watch. Did I miss anything?

       Highlight of the Season: Hardhome. This episode is tightly knit and filled with great dramatic scenes, high stakes, and fantastic action sequences. It's a marvel on the small screen. From the second They arrived up north I knew we were in for it. I'm glad we got to see the Lord of Bones go. Fun fact. In the books, Malisandre's cloaking powers come into effect for more than just her turning from a sexified woman to an old crone-- in the books she cloaks Mance Rayder with the appearance of the Lord of Bones and they switch identities. So when they burn Mance alive, they are actually burning LoB and Mance is sent away south in secret to go rescue fake Arya (Sansa in the show) from Winterfell. Ramsey catches Mance and sends Jon a letter beckoning him to come fight him at Winterfell because he has Mance and he wants Arya back...anyways it was cool to see Lord of Bones get his comeuppance. The white walker sequence was absolutely amazing and it makes me very excited to see more in the up and coming season now that Winter is Here.

Low point of the season: Dorne. Okay, I'm going to get into it.

        Why. Why did they do it? I thought it might be cool for them to make a bold move and replace Arys Oakheart's role in retrieving Dorne because Jaime's book 4+5 journey's (plotwise) are very similar: go wait out some traitors with a siege and then root them out. They are great chapters actually, very rich with background and internal struggles, but there is no need to have Riverrun AND Pennytree in the show. So they decide to have Jaime rescue his daughter. Brilliant. But. Wait.  They've decided to create this perfect storm in Dorne, you see. They did not cast Arianne, so there is no Dornish princess getting wrapped up in the Lannister's scheme to kidnap the princess, who by the way is beloved in dorne. See Arienne wants to kidnap her and declare her rightful Queen of the Seven Kingdoms because she is the oldest Baratheon and patriarchal succession is not a factor in Dorne. Arianne wants to wage war with the Lannisters on a much grander scale.  She wants to use Marcella against her own mother by declaring her queen in opposition to her little brother. So she manipulates Arys with boobs and butts and stuff, to aid them in doing so. Juicy.

        But Arianne Martel is foolishly replaced narrative-wise by Obaryn's grieving paramore Illyria, who instead of providing a voice of non-violence & reason as she does in the books, is turned into some vengeful, vindictive bitch who just wants to murder a helpless girl, even though WE DON'T HURT LITTLE GIRLS IN DORNE. So she just decides to say f@ck all to everything Dorne represents cuzzz plottt. Also the Sandsnakes are just awful, and  Hotah, with his Iron Wife, his longaxe, (a glaive in the show. Dammit D&D get something right in Dorne please!) is reduced to an ineffective, one-dimensional bodyguard and by doing so cripples any chance of Dorne being at all interesting or dramatic. So both Jaime and Sandsnakes sneak into the garden IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, and get caught. Neat. Imagine if Jaime took up a love interest with Arianne and she started convincing him of the plot to crown Marcella? I mean if you're going to make awful changes to the source material, they might as well be interesting! Jaime is having horribly conflicting feelings about Cersei anyways, so him taking the place of Arys Oakheart would have worked perfectly. Too much? Well then why not Bronn betraying house Lannister??? He’s not beholden to anyone but himself. They even start to suggest that something might happen with he and Tyene, but then they just crap out and use it as an excuse to show some (albeit gorgeous) tits.

       Jaime's entire arch in books 4+5 is to try and see if he can truly live without Cersei controlling him. He got a taste of it with his capture, but when he returned, Cersei was just not the same. I can picture him and Bronn having a "what happens in Dorne stays in Dorne adventure" where they both take lovers and are eventually wrapped way too tightly into the dorne master plan. THAT is the danger of the Dornish. They are cunning, convincing, sexual and fierce. SO they dig their clause into Bronn and Jaime and now the plan is on. So J+B escaping with Marcella and Arienna and the Sandsnakes AT NIGHT *cough cough* and then who is forced to hunt them down but Hotah, the man who loves Arienne like a daughter. Bronn sacrifices himself foolishly for love (and maybe money...and glory and that "bad p@ssy). He’s never felt this way before. Arianne has some sort of power over him because she’s such a bad@ss. She’s a passionate, powerful princess and the show is deeply lacking without her. So Bronn dies, killed by Hotah, Sand Snakes and Arianna are arrested. Jaime escapes but his daughter is taken away (or killed if D&D have to have their bloodshed). So having grown as a character and realizing that maybe Cersei isn’t the answer: maybe being a good father, a good knight, doing the right thing...maybe that's what matters...he returns home to King’s Landing defeated, thus sparking major conflict with the Dornish.

              There is an iconic scene in the books wherein Jaime returns to his cousin's castle after treating with Edmure and releasing him to Riverrun to forfeit the castle and he returns to his camp to draw a bath. At this point his squire, Peck, comes in to deliver him a note written by Cersei. She begs Jaime to come home and be her champion in trial by combat. "I love you, I love you, I love you" she writes him in an attempt to control him, as she has been doing in King’s Landing for the entire book. "She's been fucking Osney Kettleblack and Moonboy for all I know" Jaime recalls his brother Tyrion tell him concerning their sister when he helped break him out of prison. Jaime never forgets that. He tells Peck to throw the letter in the fire. Imagine if he did that in Dorne with Bronn in some bathhouse? So Bronn loves Arianne and Jaime is just fucking one of the Sandsnakes for fun, and the Sandsnakes are using him anyways so who cares. Right?

       Naaaaaa. Instead. Marcella is kissed by Ilyria and even after Bronn is told about the antidote to this poison and that foreshadowing is laid down but apparently just a useless plot thread, he is just told that he wants the bad p@ssy, and Marcella dies. Or at least that's how my memory serves, but I refuse to subject myself to it again to make sure. Kill me.

       The burning of the letter is so important for Jaime but we never get any kind of it. Not in Dorne or Riverrun or anywhere. It metaphorically releases him from Cersei's clutches, this woman who never truly loved him, but needs him at every turn, who used him for comfort when her betrothal to Rheagar was null, who chose him to create 3 perfectly pure, incestual off-springs out of her hatred for Robert, whose pathological narcissism, penis envy, and lust for power has driven her to madness."Jaime and I are more than brother and sister. We are one person in two bodies. We shared a womb together. He came into this world holding my foot, our old maester said. When he is in me, I feel... whole" Jaime, who thinks at one point "If I were a woman, I'd be Cercei," frees himself in that moment. This does not exist in the show.  

       Oh! and the Blackfish ESCAPES Riverrun, he isn't needlessly cut down in a blaze of random glory the way he is in the show, and Brienne is able to be at Riverrun in the show since they completely omit her Sansa seeking adventures due to time constraints, and we never get see the vengeance that Lady Stoneheart brings upon the Riverlands and her finding Brienne with Ned's sword Ice, melted down and turned into a broadsword made with a hilt of Lannister gold! She is charged to kill Jaime Lannister as proof of her service to House Stark--or hang as a traitor. "Sword or Noose," is the choice she is given, but she refuses to choose and she and Podric are both hanged as traitors. As she watches Podric choking to death, she utters a word...this is also not in the show. Instead of her reuniting with Jaime at Pennytree, and coaxing him into, what we can imagine as some sort of Stoneheart/ Brotherhood without Banner trap, it's condensed to a random, dead-end task for her to go get the Blackfish, who suffers an utterly pointless, anti climactic death.

       SO by having Jaime go to Dorne just so you can kill off a bunch of characters, you've caused a sh!t storm of bad plots and weakened a plethora of character arcs. But those were the goods and bads of season 5. Overall the weakest of the seasons so far

       Oh! I just have to remind everyone of that scene where Sam saved Gilly from almost being raped and then, out of sheer service to the plot decides to ignore all themes of the show and jump his bones. That gets the consolation prize for low points as far as writing goes. Forget her tortured past of being born out of her mother-sister then raped by her father to be pregnant with a sister daughter and all that, forget Shae's quote "A woman does not invite a man into her bed after she's almost raped."  Naaa, Sam’s a hero, and heroes get to have sex. Oh man, that scene angered me so much. I understand the political/social implications that many of Game of Thrones controversies have risen out of as far as sexual violence, let me be clear that rape scenes, suggestions of rape, etc do not offend me in the least, this is an adult show, and if people can't handle the subject matter, there's the door. What I’m more outraged about is the lazy narratives and betrayals of theme, because, well, I'm that type of dork I guess. In the books, Sam and Gilly are on this boat to Old Town and Gilly is deeply depressed because Jon has forced her to switch her baby with Val, the Wildling princess’ baby so that Malisandre won't have any King's Blood to burn, and then Maester Aemon passes away, probably the only man in Westeros to die of old age, but not before Sam tells him of the rumors of the Dragon Queen, Aemon's kin. He dies with hope in his heart, Gilly and Sam are both crushed, grieving and feeling terribly alone on this rickety ship called Cinnomen Wind, so they become lovers. When they reach shore, Gilly and Sam are separated and she is sent to live with the Tarlys. She names Mance and Val's son Aemon after the Maester and there is a tearful goodbye...but you know...as pseudo-rape scene will do for TV.    

       And I know right about now I'm sounding like a pretentious tool and cliche book purist. "Okay, we get it. You didn't like season 5. Why don't you go make your own adaptation." OKAY FINE I WILL! Let me be clear, dear reader, I love this show and I know all this is hindsight from something that was literally 2 years ago, but hey, I'm just refreshing our memory as to how GoT  got to where it is now. The funny thing is I used to defend the show to the deathhhh as far as seasons 2-4 go, from book purists. Sure, D&D were not sticking to some details, but at least they were making interesting choices that were somewhat responsible and respectful to the source material. There is a distinct difference between your favorite B list character getting a snub, and just completely ruining the spirit and through-line of several characters. Not to mention the anxiety readers felt that they were rushing past the story and George hadn't caught up to the material yet so very soon they'd be sailing the Ice & Fire ship into uncharted territory. But the GoT train couldn't be stopped and now we are far far far beyond the books.

Let’s talk about Season 6 knowing that I have barely any source material to compare it to.

       They continue (cringe) the Dorne "climax" by teleporting the two older Sandsnakes from the pier onto Trystane's boat and they kill him. Well at least that plot is over oh my goodness nope, they then kill Obeyrn's brother and somehow hill Hotah, this giant of a man, this protector of the Prince clad in Dornish mail, with a toothpick. They kill off Doran. Doran, Doran, the man with the plan. The conspiring, conciliatory prince playing the long game, arranging all these intricate schemes in order to put Dorne back on top. Just kill him cuz that's the best way to avenge your family...by murdering your husband's brother and nephew. Fuuuck okay fine. It's done for now. We can move on to the stories people actually give a sh!t about.

       Jon Snow is brought back to life. We all speculated it. We all theorized it. We now get to see a...really rather arbitrary reanimation sequence. Why did they cut his hair? Why was it Davos, the most skeptical of all skeptics to suggest it? Oh well he's back! In the prologue of Dance with dragons we are given this beautiful scene from the perspective of a wildling warg called Varamyr who is under attack by wights. Knowing he is about to die he tries to warg into a nearby spearwife called Thistle. She feels him in her mind and bites her tongue and gouges her eye out that he can't enter her because her mind is too chaotic. At the last moment he wargs into his wolf called One Eye and leaves the scene, watching thistle be torn apart by walkers. I believe this to be foreshadowing that Jon will warg into ghost in the books until Mal fills Jon with the lord of light using her blood magic. Jon will be semi corpse-y, much like Baric Dondorian. The one detail that bothers me about the show concerning the reanimation is that there is absolutely ZERO difference in pre and post-death Jon Snow. Same misanthropic, gloomy old Kit Harrington. Is he just a bad actor? Possibly, but he's also not given much to work with as far as opportunities go to showcase what's that thing called... Emotion. Maybe that could have been a better route--he becomes this cold, calculated stoneman, or Stoneheart, which makes it much easier for him to outsmart Ramsey. Jon has passed through the shadow and returned. He now understands his purpose. He is Ice & Fire personified. He is Azor Ahai, the Prince that was Promised. But instead the show writes it off like he just has surgery or something and he's just...fine...you were dead? Anything to write home about? Nope. Just darkness. God is Dead, this is all meaningless and this script was written without the guiding help of GRRM so it really has no idea what its audience wants. And thus spoke Zarathustra...

       A part of the show I really enjoyed was Bran learning his powers from the three eyed raven. All the time travelling goodies and young Ned and seeing the Tower of Joy sequence...yes yes yes more more more. It was a nice contrast with Arya's little adventure too...both our young Stark kids have their own separate little Mr. Miyagi montages so to speak. Okay so Arya's goes on a bit long and her little rivalry with the Waif became so dull it got me hoping Maryn f@cking Trant would come back and start trying to buy little girls to pleasure him again so at least something mildly interesting would happen. But finally Arya kills the Waif and throws her face at the foot of Mr. Jaqen H'gar Miyagi and tells him "I'm Arya Stark bitchhhh and I'm going home." Meanwhile Bran isn't going anywhere because he can't walk...but he can travel through time (and he will fly, but more on that later). SO it's through Bran that we learn the biggest secret of the show. The long awaited R+L=J theory is true. Rhaegar Targaryen, Dany's bro, sent Lianna Stark away to the Tower of Joy because she was pregnant with his kid. That kid is Jon Snow, whom Ned raises as his bastard, which explains Cat's disdain for the boy. So Rhaegar is killed at the battle of the Trident by Robert, Tywin opens the gates of King's Landing for the Northern Allies and Jaime murders King Aerys before he can set King's Landing on Fire and rise again from the ashes as a dragon. The Pieces have been put together at last. We also learn the origin of:

       HOLLLLLD THE DOOOOOOR

       HOLLLLL THE DOOOOOOOR

       HOOOOLLLDOOOOOR

       HOOOLDOR

       HODOR

       HODOR

       HODOR!

       Yeah that was my favorite episode. I mean there were many highlights: the Battle of the Bastards, the episode where we find the Hound alive, the episode where we find out that Coldhands= Benjen (though we don't know if that's true for the books)...but the Door, where we find out the origin of where the White walkers came from (to protect us from you!), and find out the origin of Hodor’s Hodoring...that was tops. RIP Leaf, Summer and Hodor. Basically, Bran can Warg into Hodor because he’s done it before, and so from that moment in the courtyard, Hodor is just having prophetic telekinesis with the moment of his death. This is some Bhahagavad Gita sh!t.

       Then we have the Cersei scandals and zombie Gregor doing her dirty work, and Margaery now facing her own walk of shame and the High Sparrow taking control of the city with religious dogma because Cercei doesn't read history and she armed the faith militant. P.S. how sh!t does Cersei feel knowing that Jaimie inadvertently got swept up into stopping Marg's walk of shame but he couldn't stop hers? ouch.  P.P.S Johnathan Price, Lena Headey and Natalie Dormer are such joys to watch and I'm a sucker for every second any one of them is on screen.  

       In Winterfell we get to watch Ramsey be Ramsey and feed fat Walda and her baby to his hounds, then Ramsey betrays his father the same way his father betrayed Robb. Booya bitch. Seriously pay attention to that. Tywin is killed with a crossbow just like the "band" he hired to play Rains of Castamere, Roose Bolton is stabbed in the chest the way he does Robb in, and Walder Frey's throat is cut in the season 6 finale by the faceless girl Arya the same way as Cat. Clever details. Also Reek and Sansa have escaped and Brienne saves them by being the badass she always is and swears her service to the Stark girl. Then Sansa and Reek--Theon again now actually-- part ways and he teleports to the Iron Islands for a quick little Kingsmoot where we finally meet the Greyjoy Uncles. Nope. Just Uncle. The show doesn't want Victarian, the Iron Captain to exist. Okay fine, it's enough characters as it is and it's winding down and all...but what else are we missing from Euron Crow’s Eye? Ah yes, his crow’s eye for one, the fact that he has a dragon egg in his possession, and the fact that he has in his possession a dragon horn in order to control Dany’s dragons. Show Euron appears to just be another wanked-up misogynist pirate Ironborn, but I'll look forward to him causing havoc in the upcoming season. They stay true to the books by having him build the largest fleet in Westeros. 1000 ships baby. Dany's fleet is in for a bit of a sh!t show. Speaking of Dany...

       We find her being taken to Vaes Dothrak by a bunch of @sshole Dothraki whose  first scene has this weirdly pithy undertone to it, like a buddy buddy Seth Rogen film that was about pillaging lands and raping women. Anyway while Dany is prisoner and given over to the Dosh Khaleen to live out her days as a former Khaleesi, Jorah and Daario are on a mission to find her, Tyrion and Very's are drinking and making horribly awkward small talk with Grey Worm and Missande, and Drogon is conveniently no place to be seen. So Dany burns down the temple with all the Khals in it and everyone rejoices as the smoking hot ( get ittt!) silver-haired Targaryen beauty stands before them unburnt. Again. Oh and naked. Again. All heads eventually bow down to worship her as their new leader...except Jorah, his eyes stay right on the prize, poor guy. After the craziness, Jorah professes his love for her and she's like "oh man...i value our friendship way too much, plus you have this gross skin disease... but if you find the cure I'll let you come back and do things for me again." So Ian Glen, bad@ss extraordinaire, heads off alone. Again. And Now Dany is ready to take back her city and squash the Sons of the Harpy once and for all. She does. The dragons destroy the blockade and then the Khalasar arrive to fend off the ground assault. The city belongs to her now, along with Tyrion, Verys, and this new priestess with more mystery and an equally -as- impressive rack as our dear OG Lord of Light babe, Malisandre. Don't pretend you didn't notice. They are then joined by Yara + Theon because Euron wants his family dead. Here is my interpretation of their meeting in Meereen:

       Tyrion: Hey Theon, remember when you made jokes about how small I was and now you have no cock? Who's small now?

       Theon: Okay that was like 5 seasons ago and we only had like 1 scene together and from what I remember we had a nice rapport? What do you want from me, I was ward of your rival house...

       Tyrion: You're probably right, but our writers have a hard time keeping relationships consistent.

       Dany: Why should we support your claim, dude whom I've never met?

       Theon: Not mine, hers. I've been turned into a useless dog by Ramsey so I'm pretty okay just standing meekly by my sister's side. She's the real balls of the Greyjoy line.

       Dany: OMG yaaaaas an Ironborn Sister Queeen?

       Yara: Bitch obvvvv

       Dany: Yaaaaaaaaas Queeeeeen!

       Yara: Yaaaaaassss--

       Theon: --Yara don't you think we should tell her about Euron?

       Yara: Oh. yeah. Our gross uncle who sails around and murders people for a living wants to f@ck you.

       Dany: Oh drag. Wait is he hot?

       Yara: Meh. But he wants to give you 1,000 ships as well as give you the D.

       Dany: Oh. Well that's nice. So is that what you're offering too?

       Yara: I mean, yeah I eat the p@ssy. Oh you mean the ships? Well we have good ones but he has a bigger fleet.

       Dany: I like bigger.

       Theon: Slut.

       Dany: Get mad bro, I don’t care, why should I trust you?      

       Yara: Because he doesn't give a sh!t about you. He won't love you like I love you. Wait, he won't love you like I love you. Maps.

      Dany: That was an obscure reference. But we need to end the season so I may just take you at your word...

       Yara: C'mooooon girl power.

       Dany: That's true. I do have horrendous daddy issues.

       Theon: Same.

       Yara: Double same.

       Tyrion: Triple same.

       Dany: Oh, you're still here Tyrion? Anyways I guess we can have an alliance. All the men I've ever known to be rulers in my short life span have been terrible, so by default, all men are terrible rulers and all women are good. So I like you.

    
   Yara: I agree. Girl power.

       Theon: I also agree. Did you guys see wonder woman?

        Tyrion: ...I take it none of you have met my sister?

...So the alliance was made...

     Back in King's Landing, Tommen abolishes trial-by-combat. Curses. No Clegane bowl. YET. So Cersei's plans are foiled. Time for her backup plan. Burn them all. Kaaaaaboooom the sept goes up in wildfire flame. Lancel dead. Pycel dead, Margaery (I’m crying with horrendous grief) dead, High Sparrow dead, Loras, Kevan, Mace, dead. Then Tommen, stricken with grief, jumps out the window. Talk about a King's Landing amirightttttttt. Okay anyways so Cersei is crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and all she had to do was murder every single person around her to do it. Jaime comes back from his adventures with the Blackfish who, again, needlessly dies because reasons, and Jaime doesn't not look too thrilled...

             So...The Starks take back Winterfell with the help of Littlefinger and the Vale army. Cool. Amazing battle episode though Ghost was missing in action. Jon is proclaimed the White Wolf, the King in the North. Side note: Lianna Mormont is amazing and house Mormont is forever the best Northern Loyalist house! Maybe Jorah will have a place to go once he finds the cure for Greyscale.   

       Dany sails to Westeros with Tyrion, Yara+ Theon. Oh and they are then joined by Lady Olanna whose bloodline has been destroyed and she wants to see house Lannister fall. She makes an alliance with the (barf) Dornish group of vengeful shrews and her, Very's, and the Sandsnakes all teleport over to Meereen to join Danny just so they can sail right back over to Westeros. K? Kool. Oh and Gendry is still happily rowing away from Dragonstone.

       Well there we have it! We are all caught up and ready for Season 7! I'm definitely excited, dear reader. If I have time I want to put a post out of my entire season 7  predictions , but either way I WILL be reviewing each episode so stay tuned! I know I can be glib and sardonic at times, but I truly do love the world of Ice and Fire and HBO's show. It's addictive and I don't think I would have just blathered on for like 6,000 words if it wasn't something incredibly important to me. I've been looking forward to this ending for a long time, and it will be very strange, even bittersweet to see it's conclusions begin to unravel. Funny that bittersweet is the way George RR Martin described the way the books would (theoretically) end. Snooze you loose though Georgie, you get to watch the dudes who wrote Troy starring Brad Pitt, tell how your story ends. (Actually, I kind of love that movie alot.) I bet that paycheck is super nice though...more than I can claim to have ever accomplish. Let the Song of Ice and Fire be sung!!! Winter is Here! Dragons are Here!!!

-CjM