Dear Reader,
Here we are at the beginning of the end. Here at last on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil...Wait wrong story...
GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 HAS OFFICIALLY ARRIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's been a long-awaited few months, as HBO pushed production back so they could spend more time filming amazing battle scenes and dragons and (I'm assuming ) giving Lord George of House RR Martin more time to finish his books. It's my personal theory that George is pushing himself with his dear friends Elio Garcia and Linda Antonsson, who Co-Authored The World of Ice and Fire, which I use as a coffee table book to reference Ice & Fire history and argue with people about Game of Thrones, to not just finish Winds of Winter but to also finish book 7, A Dream of Spring. I have a lot of theories okay, don't judge me. I'm totally normal and not at all dorky and in desperate need of a love life. This, of course is a terribly Naive, and embarrassingly optimistic theory, but hey...wishful thinking! Really I wanted to use this tinfoil-hat theory as a catalyst to introduce you to some of my (actual) theories on how this great TV juggernaut is going to captivate us with its second to last season! In this post I'm going to go over what happened in the first episode of Season 7,as well as post my predictions of how the season is going to end. I'm so pumped. Okay, lets just jump into it.
Avast, ye mates of the Iron Fleet!! There be Dragons and SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!
We start as we always do, the static fuzzing and choral calling of HBO's title screen just to get the hairs on the backs of our neck standing up. Then we go right into a cold open of Walder Frey, (whom last season we recall being cut open after eating some of his nephews in a pie) at a lovely dinner with all his next of kin. He's toasting the defeat of House Stark and reminiscing of good old times when the Freys and Boltons butchered their fellow Northerners at the Red Wedding. Then he starts getting super cryptic and we realize something is amiss. The wine they toasted with has, indeed, been poisoned. Slainte! After all the Frey darlings have blown out their last chunks of blood, Walder reveals himself to actually be a faceless assassin: Arya Stark. She keeps the two girls (one, assumingly being Walder's new 12 year old wife) alive and tells them to spread the word that the North remembers. Killer.
My thoughts: It looks like D&D are giving us their own version of Lady Stoneheart through the Stark's youngest daughter. Traveling around the Riverlands and hunting Freys. Or at least I hope.
Then we get our precious open credit sequence.
Up at the Wall we see the new Lord Commander, Dolorous Edd just casually opening the doors even though there's an army of the dead fast approaching, It's fine. Look, there's a woman carrying a sled person! It's Bran and Meera Reed! So Bran tells Edd that he's a Stark and he's allowed to come join the Night's Watch. I need to point out that it took Bran 3 seasons to get to the three eyed Raven and then 1 episode to get all the way back down to the wall. Maybe "going north" was all uphill and "going south" is going downhill and they just rode the sled all the way back down? Whatever D&D have never cared about keeping travel distance accurate in the world of Westoros. Varys went from Meereen to Dorne to Meereen again in like a span of 45 minutes show time and Little Finger also seems to have trap doors whenever he needs to be places like Molestown. I've accepted it and decided to just turn my brain off at this point.
The next segment we see that King's Landing is creating some great labor jobs: painting a giant map of Westeros in a lovely open causeway. Plenty of morning light and glorious archways to boot in the nicest section of the city... but it looked like it was an open roof, no? So I guess when the sun sets, that's it! Time to clock out from the war! Ehh details. So the new Queen of Westeros is going to be so feng shui-ed as she plans her war. Then her and her twin brother Jaime go over how basically they have no friends, and the ones they do were blown to bits. There are so many questions that they just don't address in this scene. What happened to the Tyrell forces in the city? I know Olena (or, that old c@nt, as Cersei refers to her) ran off before her grand daughter's trial, but you can't tell me she took the entire Frey army with her, or did I miss that? Also, annoyingly, Jaime chooses to finally have a line with substance and brings up the death of his son. "We never talked about Tommen--" he says meekly. AND WE ARE NOT GOING TO BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING. Forget that your sweet, impressionable son, a victim of some pretty dark statutory rape as well as dogmatic religious influence, has killed himself; and you are directly responsible. Cersei just simply dusts it off and shoves a goblet of wine to her lips. Cool, so that plot point is dead, is that what you're saying? The Lannisters, it appears are all by their lonesome. Perfect time for some long awaited incest I guess? Especially if we are going to ignore the terrorist attack you are also directly responsible for...? No, no time for twincest, there's work to be done! Cersei has been on social media posting about how she's super hot and powerful and seriously looking for...a suitor? A new b!tch to do her bidding? But she already has Jaime to bounce her exposition off of, right? Well she's already gotten a response from someone: The new kid in town with a new Kingship and the largest armada of ships that the world has ever seen: Euron F@cking Greyjoy.
My thoughts: Very excited for Euron, still butthurt about what they've done (or haven't done) with Jaime Lannister. They gave Euron a much needed makeover. Sexified black leather, haircut, and a general swagger and bravado that was sorely missing last season. This is (at least closer to) the Euron that I read about: the feared, unstable pirate shrouded with mystery with ambitions to conquer the world. So he proposes a marriage to Cersei, much to Jaime's objection, but she rejects Euron in kind because she's smart and likes to toy. But he knows power when he sees it and respects it. He proposes that he will bring her a gift worthy of her in exchange for her hand. Speaking of hand, Euron is very open about taking shots at the Kingslayer and it's kind of great. Euron will most likely be the new villain of the season, the actor seems comfortable in the role and we've barely scratched the surface of the depraved, violent nature of the Ironborn. While Dany would seek to kowtow Yara and her brave Ironborn, Cersei will unleash the madness of Euron and his fleet of 1,000 ships.
At Winterfell we see another meeting of all the Northern Houses. This is a setup scene for some drama. Right off the bat, Sansa questions Jon's decisions to forgive the offenses of house Umber and Karstark, and the little lord and lady of the respective houses pledge their loyalty to the Starks. Now, to an extent, I agree with Sansa. These houses betrayed the Starks and fought against them on the battlefield, but dissension among rank is a d!ck move especially in front of the other lords. With Little Finger in Winterfell scheming away, it's likely to get very messy between the siblings.
My thoughts: The Starks bring up Jeoffery and Cersei respectively and Sansa was fully aware of A: how vindictive and cruel a ruler Jeoffery was and B: How manipulative Cersei can be. She's learned much, and she's right, people shouldn't just blindly follow a leader, but be able to question their decisions because speaking truth to power is important. But! Being around all these viscous and ambitious political leaders: Cersei, Jeoff, Ramsey, Littlefinger... has clearly warped her in some way. So Jon decides to man the Castles of the now forgiven houses again with the respective houses that betrayed him, forging new loyalty (I'd still probably keep a ward as hostage) and then decides that it's a good idea to arm children to fight the army of the dead, that's fine. If every girl on Bear Island is like Jeor, Jorah, and Liana, I think we'll be okay...but what about the other Northern houses? Anyways Jon also decides that the Wall needs to be manned by the Wildlings because irony is cool (and Tormond is loyal and very familiar with the terrain after climbing it, killing Crows beyond it, etc...) so we've got some good setup for some upcoming battle tactics. Side Note. Look at the hairdo Sansa is sporting and tell me it's not eerily similar to early season Cersei. I smell controversy.
The next scene opens with a song being sung about cold hands, kisses, and hands of gold. The singer is pop artist Ed Sheeran, and the world explodes with love juice and rage and they feel like "how dare we break the fourth wall with an out-of-place person even though we've done plenty of musical cameos throughout the show with Sigur Ros and drummer from Coldplay" -- so whatever. I will admit that it was distracting with all the gratuitous ginger close-ups-- because the song he was singing is actually of some significance. It's written (in the books) by Simon Silver Tongue--a singer who knew of the Hand of the King's secret love affair with a prostitute. This Golden Hand of the King choked the life out of the one he loved. Isn't there another Lannister with a hand of gold-- hmmmmm...
So Ed, playing a Lannister soldier serenades us with Hands of Gold as Arya rides up to sit with (luckily) the only Lannister soldiers to ever exhibit human decency. This is a fantastic scene. It contains within it detailed human qualities that serve to paint the world of Westeros a variety of colors other than the medieval nihilist pornography that D&D know we love to wallow in. She feels all tingly inside, maybe from her heart coming to terms with the human side of war, like being trapped in the trenches with a Nazi and having to huddle together for warmth... or maybe the tingles are coming from her breeches because of Ed Sheeran's silky sooth singing. We'll never really know. Either way. Arya made some Lannister fraaaaands.
Let's see...the Brotherhood without Banners is traveling north. Thoros of Myr is still an alcoholic and the Hound hates hipster haircuts. This particular sequence with Baric and Sandor and Thoros stuck out to me as far as cinnamon...cina...cinematography goes. I'm a sucker for dark snowy cabin scenes by the fire. The Hound, a known skeptic of religion has seemingly found some version of what one might call faith, or empathy, or humanity at the very least. He buries some bodies and is seemingly affected by their death. "I'm sorry you're dead," -- Brother Sandor of the Three Dog Shield. D&D love writing for this character and it shows.
Side Note: Can confirm The Hound burying these bodies, like he did in season 6 with his group of sweetly shirefolk, totally means that Brienne's gravedigger was indeed Sandor in the books. Nice little nod there, show runners. Then the Hound see's some lovely visions in the fire and the brotherhood heads for Eastwatch by the Sea.
Sam has signed himself up for the sh!ttiest internship (HA! PUNS!) known to man. The fat boy who faints at any sight of blood, Sam the Slayer, is now cleaning out chamber pots and pouring out stew until eventually they all run together. The Oldtown sequences thus far have a very unique, very playful wonder to them. So Sam is working on a dead body with Maester Marwyn whom I've been very excitedly waiting to see. He's the mad scientist of Oldtown, quite possibly the most learned man in Westeros, and he has many secrets surrounding him. This character has, I believe, a big part to play in the wars to come, but for now he is seemingly a skeptic, and Sam is told not to go into the restricted section of the library, and it's super weird because the actor portraying Marwyn is also in Harry Potter so now we have to wear that genre-crossing inception hat.
So Sam puts on his cloak of invisibility and decides to systematically steal some books. On his way around the corridors, (There are students out of bed mister Finch!) suddenly Walder Frey pops out and scares Sam the Slayer, ahhhh too much genre crossing! No it's actually Jorah, dying slowly from Greyscale in a cell, who has presumably donated his body to science. He's asking about the Dragon Queen like some nutcase homeless man preaching on the streets. So Sam's gotta find the secret to beat the White Walkers and he thinks he may be on to something that STANNIS LITERALLY ALREADY TOLD HIM. Dragonstone is a mountain made of Obsidian. So let's get mining! Wow, contractors making maps in King's Landing, Stronger boarder security at the Wall, potential mineral mining on Dragonstone, Westeros's leaders have some seriously great job-plan initiatives, I don't know who to pledge my vote to...I'll have to check out their stance on protecting Greyscale-infected neighborhoods and keeping foreign invaders out of my lands. #Greylivesmatter #Buildthewall #WightfreeWesteros.
Okay so Dragonstone. Let's go there. Cut to Dany and her fleet FINALLY Landing on the shores of Westeros. Oh Dany, I remember when you were just a naked blonde bargaining chip sold to a viscous Dothraki savage with big muscles and guy-liner...how far we've come. So Dany and her (some old some new) advisers climb the steps of Dragonstone, where her forebears first landed many many years ago and took over Westeros on the backs of three dragons...ahhhhhh Narrative Parallels are so satisfying. So we have Cersei and her lovely new map-tiled war room, and Dany taking down Stannis' flaming hearted Stag and setting up at the Stone table where we watched Stannis the Mannis succumb to dark magic again and again. There are no rightful King's anymore...only takers.
So there we have it, kids, The board is set...the pieces are moving, to end things with a quote from Gandalf the same way I began. The theme of this post is apparently 'crossing genres.' Remember when Ed Sheeran sang that song about Smaug for the credits of the second Hobbit movie?? See it all comes together! Oh, you didn't see the Desolation of Smaug? Alright I'll see myself out.
EP 1 is in the books, dear reader.
AND NOW ... Predictions of up-and-coming events based upon the ep 2 teaser, and also my educated guesses on the the long game: WARNING. I'm very informed and f@cking good at this stuff, so I may ruin the whole season for you.
Arya: She jokes about going to kill the Queen (Cersei), and while that's obviously her intent, she'll get distracted. On the road she's going to run into an old friend. Nymeria, her Direwolf. It's going to happen. the she-wolf is going to be wreaking havoc in the Riverlands.
Jon: Jon will receive a whole bunch of letters. Word from Sam about Dragonstone. Word from Edd that his brother is at Castle Black. Word will also reach Winterfell about the Dragon Queen and the Northern Council will bicker about whether or not they can be trusted. Lord Royce of the Vale is wise and battle hardened, and he will voice disdain for the Targaryen cause. Jon will want to go to Castle Black and see Bran because he prefers adventure rather than ruling and will eventually leave Sansa in command of Winterfell and ripe to be manipulated by Littlefinger if the Lords of Winterfell and Brienne can't offer her enough support. Targs being on Dragonstone and Starks knowing of the obsidian mountains may lead to an eventual friendship.
Dany: The Targaryen Banners flying from Dragonstone. They are going to want to act fast. I't will be interesting to listen to her advisers who all have very different ideas concerning war. Yara will want to attack fast and hard on the battlefield, the Martells will want to act out their revenge, Olena will want to reach out to Highgarden and gather allies, Tyrion will want to plan a cautious but effective power move that weakens the Lannisters while strengthening the Targ cause...and Verys will have already known everything there is to know and bring in a new variable into the fold. But all these plans will be interrupted when...
Euron attacks: This gift I imagine to be one of two things. In the books, we learn that Euron is not only in possession of a petrified dragon egg, (You need fire, and the blood of my blood to hatch a dragon, as far as I'm concerned) but he also has with him Dragonbinder: a horn that was used to control dragons. So, bad@ss Pirate Euron will attack Dragonstone and use the Dragonbinder to control one of the Dragons. I believe the gift he may be speaking of is that he wants to capture one of the dragons and give it to Cersei...but will it be dead or alive?
Bran: Within the safety of Castle Black, Bran will offer us some insight concerning the advancing White Walker Army. That shot of the army of the dead approaching was EPIC. There is magic in the Wall and I believe Bran will learn of the magic within, just as he learned about Hodor...is Bran actually Bran the Builder? Is the Wall filled with magic because Bran puts the magic inside the Wall? does he make a mistake or learn of a fatal flaw within the Wall? Does he try and fix the flaw and thus create the flaw, making his own prophecy come true? Speaking of prophecy...
Cersei + Jaime: Jaime is mad about Euron, but his sister assures him he has nothing to worry about (Lies.) She sends him to Highgarden to bring the remaining Tyrells to bend the knee or die. She needs people either out of the way, or on her side. Who is left in King's Landing to oppose her now that all her enemies within the capital are gone...or are they? From the looks of the Ep 2 trailer, it's going to be chalk full of meetings and politics. I believe Cersei will blame the Wildfire terror attack on the Targaryens in order to rally the people of Westeros (or King's Landing at least) to her side. Eventually of coarse, the Lannisters will meet the Targaryens in the open field of battle.
Sam, Gilly + Jorah: This one is interesting. Sam needs to uncover the secrets of the WW, possibly about the secrets of glass candles and obsidian. I believe that defeating the White Walkers will come at a price, because Westeros will soon be burning from Dragonfire, and that's bad. Let us not forget that the children of the forest created the White Walkers to defend themselves against a great threat...the Doom of Valyria brought with it disaster. So. Overwhelmed with anxiety about the coming threat and not being prepared, Sam will freak out and Gilly will offer to take on some of his internship duties in secret. Passing Jorah's corridor, I believe she or Sam will take an interest in Jorah's stories of the Dragon Queen and his affliction. He, out of desperation for a cure for his Greyscale will pass it on to either Gilly, or her son Sam jr. Sam the Slayer will be moved to find a cure out of desperation and Jorah will travel to cure himself and will be faced with a choice: Return to Oldtown with whatever ingredients are needed to save Gilly/Sam jr, or return to his Queen and fight by her side.
Also Yara and Ellaria totally make out. Nice.
Well, I'm excited to see what we have in store and to see how many of my predictions are on the money. Just now I've decided not to predict the season's endings until the end of next week just to have a bit more insight. I'm looking forward to rewatching this episode though, as far as "season openers," it had a lot of really great moments!
Winter has officially begun. See you next week!
-CjM
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