Curriculum Vitae: A Cynic's Attempt at Using Irony to Cope with Underemployment.

I hate writing resumes and CV's and any other administrative documents of acclamation. So I made this ironic version of one, because I'd rather just make myself laugh than actually apply my skills, my time and talent. There's actually a lot of truth to this display of self-effacement, and when one is in the midst of a (seemingly perpetual) job hunt, it can be draining, and you start to become really jaded about certain things, and you start to get really, really, really, really down on yourself because the fact is, your worth is reduced to a piece of paper that is simply tossed into a pile of other papers just like it. So then you start thinking that maybe if I just cater my cover letter to fit each job I apply to individually, that might give you a leg up. But after about the 12th stock rejection email, you start to add up all the variables in your head to figure out why you aren't being selected for interviews. You think "okay so they didn't want me for who I am, they didn't want me for who I think they want me to be, so maybe it's just me." So then you erase your CV, your cover letter, and your resume, feel sorry for yourself for like 15 non stop minutes, and then you jot down something to make you smile. Something honest... 

[Obviously you should never put any of these things in a CV or resume. You'd think I wouldn't have to point that out, but you never know. Anyway *fart noise* let's have a laugh. ]

Curriculum Vitae:

Colin Mackey is a writer. But mostly he’s just a lazy beta male who grew up thinking that he was the center of the universe. He always craved praise, and was noticeably upset anytime he wasn't the center of attention. His delusions of grandeur were fed into at a very early age, so he never learned humility, but instead, convinced himself that he was good at everything and didn't need to learn new skills; he'd just get by on being himself. He floated through school achieving the bare minimum in order prove that a mediocre lifestyle is worth preserving. He puts in very little effort, which is why he perpetually feels like he's at a terrifyingly dull stand-still in his life. The worst part is that he’s aware of it, but still struggles to take the necessary steps to change his situation. It’s a mix of fear, self loathing, and a general sense of hopelessness that keeps him from honing his talents and achieving the impossibly high standard of success that he has set for himself. He also likes to complain about the poor circumstances he’s in, even though he could definitely take control of things if he put in even the smallest of efforts, but he’d rather paint himself as a victim, because it validates his sense of put-upon righteousness. He’s also aware that blaming other people is much easier than looking inward. He applies the principal from Hemingway “If you can’t write, don’t write” in a very literal sense, so don’t count on him meeting specific deadlines or anything. He will produce eventually, and it will be passable work, sometimes even profound and insightful, but again, don’t expect too much. Oh, also, he likes dogs. You should hire him to write for you.


So obviously that's just me being snarky and detached. My actual cover letter and CV makes me sound like some type of well-traveled, accomplished humanitarian with goals and skills. But we're all secretly frauds until we make it, so if you don't want to play the game, you'll just spend life on the sidelines, I suppose. How's that for some little-league-coach-level philosophy?

Anyways, thanks for indulging me while I continue my search for more work in a field that seems actively disinterested (i know, oxymoron, but it's how I feel) in hiring me. Lately I've been receiving rejection emails as if they were credit card offers in the mail. Even as late as MIDNIGHT last night, I get emailed from this publication that, to be honest, I don't even remember submitting to, and it's just an adorable little notification to keep my mood down. Like "This is just a reminder that you're not good enough. have a nice night."


But fuck them. It's easy to take those things personally but you just CANNOT. Especially when you are trying to "make it happen" so to speak. Rejection is just part of it. Everyone in this (or any) line of work ultimately has the same goal as do you, and those who can hack it, those who can just keep plugging despite having their work be ignored by friends, colleagues, peers et al, they're the ones who achieve success. And it's never overnight, though it might seem that way from the outside. It's never about you, it's about the needs of the conglomerate, the company, the other person looking for your product. You've got to be a salesman, and you've got to know that salesmen get doors slammed in their face and hung up on...a lot.

Keep searching for opportunities. The world needs your voice, your art, your contribution any way you can give it. So keep an open mind, keep plugging away, and eventually you will meet the needs of someone who is willing to give you compensation for your time and talent. Until then, keep working on your resume's and CV's and just basically give yours that big dick swagger that will set it above the competition. Even if you have to make shit up.

I'm not above that tactic at all.
Give me money.
"I'll do things for you better than other people will if you'd just give me a fucking CHANCE."
I mean seriously the amount of people I run into on a daily basis that are complete troglodytes who somehow have well-paying jobs...it's amazing. 

You got this. I believe in you.