GAME OF THRONES RECAP SEASONS 5+6!!!

Dear Reader,

HAPPY ALMOST GAME OF THRONES TIME!!!!! So, I’ve been an informed and avid "Song of Ice & Fire" book series fan, and avid show watcher of HBO's interpretation of the series for quite some time. It's best you know that about me now. Actually, the topic of fantasy in general sends me into an inspired call to arms worthy of the Riders of Rohan.Want to dissect differences of Tolkien and CS Lewis in Terms of their subtle/ not so subtle use of allegorical imagery, or compare the expansive histories and secondary worlds of Westeros and Middle-Earth? From speculating The Dornish Master Plan or uncovering the mystery behind The Prince that was Promised in "Ice and Fire", to dissecting the metaphor of grief in the land of Termina in "Zelda," I'm your guy. Let's be friends. That being said, I'd like to get us up to speed with the last few seasons and my thoughts on how they compare to the books, then in the next post I'll talk about some possible theories in the upcoming season of Game of Thrones!!!

BOOK+ SHOW SPOILERS AHEAD********

Leading up to now...

        If you know me, dear reader, you know that I have a very vocal "Love-Hate" relationship with HBO'S Game of Thrones. It's a borderline complex. The show very realistically changed my life in 2011 as it did for many of us Fantasy nerds when Season 1 appeared with a promo poster of Sean Bean sitting on the Iron Throne with his Greatsword  Ice in his grasp. As pilot episodes are concerned (I've seen this one over a dozen different times with a dozen different people), it's perfect. I use it as a rubric of shaping a show and introducing characters, relationships, cultures, and themes whenever I'm writing scripts. If it weren't for the show, admittedly I'd never have read the books at all, so I must give credit where credit is due. Season 1 changed television. Seriously. The world of television was one way, then Game of Thrones happened and it was another. As far as High Fantasy, which for quite some time has been faced with a serious case of plateauing as tired narrative themes go, GoT revitalized the Genre and exploded into pop culture because of it. The Novels are a deeeeeeeeply rendered Secondary World with Rich histories and dozens of complex, conflicted and enjoyable POV characters. It is less "wholly good versus wholly evil" and more "the battle of good and evil within the heart of each individual person." It taps into the rich, dark history of Scottish, Nordic, and English history and has deep connections with countless mythological and religious references. It is shrouded in endless mystery and chalk full of twists and turns and is not beholden to any type of literary theme. In fact, it is deconstructive as a narrative and somewhat Nihilistic. Some might say that this type of anarchic, meandering and even long winded writing style doesn't belong in high fantasy, but I say that it must, especially concerning Westeros, in order to focus honestly on the brutal, vindictive, opportunistic, and territorial nature of human history. It's so f@cking inspiring. And HBO's Game of Thrones Season 1, which captures the entire first book of the series, is some of the best television to ever exist.  It has excellent thematic elements, great character relationships and hi-jinx, suspense, action, drama, intrigue...all the goodies. Excuse me, I'm salivating...

    Now, my personal, picky problems with seasons 2-4 aside, (because at that point I had inhaled all the books and became a bit of a snob) it was still great television by any measure. The reason for their success being a clear vision with momentum that stuck very close to the brilliant source material from which the show was born out of. Then Season 5 came. This, for me at least, dear reader was the most highly anticipated season of them all. The 4th+5th book of OSOIAF contains some of the most imaginative adventures, intriguing politics and dramatic moments with new and old characters alike. Some people have a problem with the 4th novel, A Feast for Crows, despite it's more-than-essential plot developments in King's Landing, the Vale, The Iron Islands, Braavos and Dorne. But no Jon, no Tyrion, no Danny, no Davos so people write it off as the B list book. Certain things like Sansa playing pattycake with "Sweet Robyn" in the Vale for 100 pages, okay I'm on board, that was tough to get through especially after that iconic scene with Sansa building Winterfell in the Snow and Littlefinger kissing her...where do you go from there? Nowhere, that’s where.  But as far as Brienne's adventures, the Iron Islands and just ALL OF DORNE OMG WHY WAS IT EVEN A THING...the show's interpretation missed the mark entirely.

What happened was:

    Season 3+4 were incredibly fleshed out, meaty, involved. D&D (GoT's showrunners, David Benioff and DB Weiss) wisely decided to take Book 3 A Storm of Swords, and make 2 seasons, 20 hours of television out of it. Game of Thrones was at the time (and still is to some degree) the most popular show on television and this decision paid off for everyone's benefit. Jaime losing his hand, The Red Wedding, The Purple Wedding Tyrion's Trial, the Mountain vs. the Viper, Danny liberating the slave cities of Essos, The Hound vs. Brienne (not in the books but still badass) , The Battle at the Wall... These were all incredible television moments from season 3+4 that were such a joy to watch on screen. I couldn't wait to see what they would do with the next two books!

       At this point, dear reader I am a super fan of epic proportion of both the books, (I was going through my first re-read after just moving to Brooklyn) and the show (I was the mouthpiece and marketing assistant for HBO & cliche fan judging people's character based on whether or not they digested the same type of media as I did) alike.

       However, the problem persisted in my mind that book 4, the "B-Team Book" would be a problem. As a diehard consumer and lover of the Greyjoys, Hotah and the Martels, Samwell, and Cersei, Jaime, Brienne’s love quagmire, I would have been perfectly happy with season 5 being the content from Feast for Crows and then waited for season 6 to include all the content from Dance with Dragons, but I knew that wouldn't be the case. I figured, and had even meticulously drawn out the plot points (because I’m so cool), that they would have ALL the characters from both books and combine the timeline into 2 seasons. There is so much juicy material and so many more interesting characters to introduce into the world!!!    

    Anyway Season 5 started off really cool with some interesting plots developing at the wall, Arya getting to the house of Black and White, but overall it was their weakest season because they decided, instead of keeping with the same rubric, that is 1 book, 1 season (and in season 3+4's case 1 book 2 seasons) they hackkkk into Feast for Crows and Dance with Dragons and combine them into 1 season. Not to mention, George has pulled away from the show to now plug mercilessly away at his 6th book at this point. So D&D cut short many characters, added "surprising" twists for the sake of having shock value, and their poor choices in plot omissions/ divergence, character assassinations, and tonal betrayals of the show, (both by either literally killing off, or betraying GRRM's meticulously planned out character arcs) along with so much of the dialogue ringing so false and cliche, it made season 5 incredibly difficult to watch. Season 5 covered almost 2,000 pages of material in only 10 hours and somehow felt like the slowest season thus far. It was strange to say the least. Luckily the actor’s performances are always top notch, the action sequences are exciting, and I really was only interested in seeing how D&D were going to pull off the death of Jon Snow. It actually didn't disappoint and the world held its breath for a whole year (OMFG it was over 2 year ago)!

       So season 5 comes to a close and it's like make or break time, you feel me? They have surpassed the books. They've been preeeeetty f@cking reckless with some of this material and it's starting to feel as though the wheels are coming off. Victarian Greyjoy doesn't exist. Euron Greyjoy doesn't exist, Quinten Martel doesn't exist, Arianne Martel doesn't exist, Jon Connington doesn't exist, Aegon Targaryen doesn't exist, Lady Stoneheart doesn't exist and all the minor characters in all their plots...so cool...did D&D even read the books though...? You've heard of feeling like butter scraped over too much bread? Well this felt like a whole stick of butter wrapped in a single piece bread and jammed down our throats. But we get the highlight reel of stuff happening right?

        So far in Season 5 They've killed off Barriston the Bold, given Jorah Greyscale, sent Sansa (taking the place of Jayne Pool in the books. I actually quite like this change as far as dramatic stakes) to marry and be brutalized by Ramsey, Arya is training to be a faceless man in Braavos Stannis the Mannis' character is officially unrecognizable and dismantled when he burns his daughter at the stake with hardly any cause. He may very well do this eventually in the books, but let me tell you, it won’t be because some horses ran away in the night. Twenty good men my @ss. So now his entire family is dead and army in shambles when he loses at Winterfell and is killed by Brienne, Tyrion meets Danny, Sansa escapes Ramsey with Reek, Jaime Adventures to Dorne with Bronn and everyone wastes their time watching it happen, and finally Jon Snow is killed by the brothers of the watch. Did I miss anything?

       Highlight of the Season: Hardhome. This episode is tightly knit and filled with great dramatic scenes, high stakes, and fantastic action sequences. It's a marvel on the small screen. From the second They arrived up north I knew we were in for it. I'm glad we got to see the Lord of Bones go. Fun fact. In the books, Malisandre's cloaking powers come into effect for more than just her turning from a sexified woman to an old crone-- in the books she cloaks Mance Rayder with the appearance of the Lord of Bones and they switch identities. So when they burn Mance alive, they are actually burning LoB and Mance is sent away south in secret to go rescue fake Arya (Sansa in the show) from Winterfell. Ramsey catches Mance and sends Jon a letter beckoning him to come fight him at Winterfell because he has Mance and he wants Arya back...anyways it was cool to see Lord of Bones get his comeuppance. The white walker sequence was absolutely amazing and it makes me very excited to see more in the up and coming season now that Winter is Here.

Low point of the season: Dorne. Okay, I'm going to get into it.

        Why. Why did they do it? I thought it might be cool for them to make a bold move and replace Arys Oakheart's role in retrieving Dorne because Jaime's book 4+5 journey's (plotwise) are very similar: go wait out some traitors with a siege and then root them out. They are great chapters actually, very rich with background and internal struggles, but there is no need to have Riverrun AND Pennytree in the show. So they decide to have Jaime rescue his daughter. Brilliant. But. Wait.  They've decided to create this perfect storm in Dorne, you see. They did not cast Arianne, so there is no Dornish princess getting wrapped up in the Lannister's scheme to kidnap the princess, who by the way is beloved in dorne. See Arienne wants to kidnap her and declare her rightful Queen of the Seven Kingdoms because she is the oldest Baratheon and patriarchal succession is not a factor in Dorne. Arianne wants to wage war with the Lannisters on a much grander scale.  She wants to use Marcella against her own mother by declaring her queen in opposition to her little brother. So she manipulates Arys with boobs and butts and stuff, to aid them in doing so. Juicy.

        But Arianne Martel is foolishly replaced narrative-wise by Obaryn's grieving paramore Illyria, who instead of providing a voice of non-violence & reason as she does in the books, is turned into some vengeful, vindictive bitch who just wants to murder a helpless girl, even though WE DON'T HURT LITTLE GIRLS IN DORNE. So she just decides to say f@ck all to everything Dorne represents cuzzz plottt. Also the Sandsnakes are just awful, and  Hotah, with his Iron Wife, his longaxe, (a glaive in the show. Dammit D&D get something right in Dorne please!) is reduced to an ineffective, one-dimensional bodyguard and by doing so cripples any chance of Dorne being at all interesting or dramatic. So both Jaime and Sandsnakes sneak into the garden IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, and get caught. Neat. Imagine if Jaime took up a love interest with Arianne and she started convincing him of the plot to crown Marcella? I mean if you're going to make awful changes to the source material, they might as well be interesting! Jaime is having horribly conflicting feelings about Cersei anyways, so him taking the place of Arys Oakheart would have worked perfectly. Too much? Well then why not Bronn betraying house Lannister??? He’s not beholden to anyone but himself. They even start to suggest that something might happen with he and Tyene, but then they just crap out and use it as an excuse to show some (albeit gorgeous) tits.

       Jaime's entire arch in books 4+5 is to try and see if he can truly live without Cersei controlling him. He got a taste of it with his capture, but when he returned, Cersei was just not the same. I can picture him and Bronn having a "what happens in Dorne stays in Dorne adventure" where they both take lovers and are eventually wrapped way too tightly into the dorne master plan. THAT is the danger of the Dornish. They are cunning, convincing, sexual and fierce. SO they dig their clause into Bronn and Jaime and now the plan is on. So J+B escaping with Marcella and Arienna and the Sandsnakes AT NIGHT *cough cough* and then who is forced to hunt them down but Hotah, the man who loves Arienne like a daughter. Bronn sacrifices himself foolishly for love (and maybe money...and glory and that "bad p@ssy). He’s never felt this way before. Arianne has some sort of power over him because she’s such a bad@ss. She’s a passionate, powerful princess and the show is deeply lacking without her. So Bronn dies, killed by Hotah, Sand Snakes and Arianna are arrested. Jaime escapes but his daughter is taken away (or killed if D&D have to have their bloodshed). So having grown as a character and realizing that maybe Cersei isn’t the answer: maybe being a good father, a good knight, doing the right thing...maybe that's what matters...he returns home to King’s Landing defeated, thus sparking major conflict with the Dornish.

              There is an iconic scene in the books wherein Jaime returns to his cousin's castle after treating with Edmure and releasing him to Riverrun to forfeit the castle and he returns to his camp to draw a bath. At this point his squire, Peck, comes in to deliver him a note written by Cersei. She begs Jaime to come home and be her champion in trial by combat. "I love you, I love you, I love you" she writes him in an attempt to control him, as she has been doing in King’s Landing for the entire book. "She's been fucking Osney Kettleblack and Moonboy for all I know" Jaime recalls his brother Tyrion tell him concerning their sister when he helped break him out of prison. Jaime never forgets that. He tells Peck to throw the letter in the fire. Imagine if he did that in Dorne with Bronn in some bathhouse? So Bronn loves Arianne and Jaime is just fucking one of the Sandsnakes for fun, and the Sandsnakes are using him anyways so who cares. Right?

       Naaaaaa. Instead. Marcella is kissed by Ilyria and even after Bronn is told about the antidote to this poison and that foreshadowing is laid down but apparently just a useless plot thread, he is just told that he wants the bad p@ssy, and Marcella dies. Or at least that's how my memory serves, but I refuse to subject myself to it again to make sure. Kill me.

       The burning of the letter is so important for Jaime but we never get any kind of it. Not in Dorne or Riverrun or anywhere. It metaphorically releases him from Cersei's clutches, this woman who never truly loved him, but needs him at every turn, who used him for comfort when her betrothal to Rheagar was null, who chose him to create 3 perfectly pure, incestual off-springs out of her hatred for Robert, whose pathological narcissism, penis envy, and lust for power has driven her to madness."Jaime and I are more than brother and sister. We are one person in two bodies. We shared a womb together. He came into this world holding my foot, our old maester said. When he is in me, I feel... whole" Jaime, who thinks at one point "If I were a woman, I'd be Cercei," frees himself in that moment. This does not exist in the show.  

       Oh! and the Blackfish ESCAPES Riverrun, he isn't needlessly cut down in a blaze of random glory the way he is in the show, and Brienne is able to be at Riverrun in the show since they completely omit her Sansa seeking adventures due to time constraints, and we never get see the vengeance that Lady Stoneheart brings upon the Riverlands and her finding Brienne with Ned's sword Ice, melted down and turned into a broadsword made with a hilt of Lannister gold! She is charged to kill Jaime Lannister as proof of her service to House Stark--or hang as a traitor. "Sword or Noose," is the choice she is given, but she refuses to choose and she and Podric are both hanged as traitors. As she watches Podric choking to death, she utters a word...this is also not in the show. Instead of her reuniting with Jaime at Pennytree, and coaxing him into, what we can imagine as some sort of Stoneheart/ Brotherhood without Banner trap, it's condensed to a random, dead-end task for her to go get the Blackfish, who suffers an utterly pointless, anti climactic death.

       SO by having Jaime go to Dorne just so you can kill off a bunch of characters, you've caused a sh!t storm of bad plots and weakened a plethora of character arcs. But those were the goods and bads of season 5. Overall the weakest of the seasons so far

       Oh! I just have to remind everyone of that scene where Sam saved Gilly from almost being raped and then, out of sheer service to the plot decides to ignore all themes of the show and jump his bones. That gets the consolation prize for low points as far as writing goes. Forget her tortured past of being born out of her mother-sister then raped by her father to be pregnant with a sister daughter and all that, forget Shae's quote "A woman does not invite a man into her bed after she's almost raped."  Naaa, Sam’s a hero, and heroes get to have sex. Oh man, that scene angered me so much. I understand the political/social implications that many of Game of Thrones controversies have risen out of as far as sexual violence, let me be clear that rape scenes, suggestions of rape, etc do not offend me in the least, this is an adult show, and if people can't handle the subject matter, there's the door. What I’m more outraged about is the lazy narratives and betrayals of theme, because, well, I'm that type of dork I guess. In the books, Sam and Gilly are on this boat to Old Town and Gilly is deeply depressed because Jon has forced her to switch her baby with Val, the Wildling princess’ baby so that Malisandre won't have any King's Blood to burn, and then Maester Aemon passes away, probably the only man in Westeros to die of old age, but not before Sam tells him of the rumors of the Dragon Queen, Aemon's kin. He dies with hope in his heart, Gilly and Sam are both crushed, grieving and feeling terribly alone on this rickety ship called Cinnomen Wind, so they become lovers. When they reach shore, Gilly and Sam are separated and she is sent to live with the Tarlys. She names Mance and Val's son Aemon after the Maester and there is a tearful goodbye...but you know...as pseudo-rape scene will do for TV.    

       And I know right about now I'm sounding like a pretentious tool and cliche book purist. "Okay, we get it. You didn't like season 5. Why don't you go make your own adaptation." OKAY FINE I WILL! Let me be clear, dear reader, I love this show and I know all this is hindsight from something that was literally 2 years ago, but hey, I'm just refreshing our memory as to how GoT  got to where it is now. The funny thing is I used to defend the show to the deathhhh as far as seasons 2-4 go, from book purists. Sure, D&D were not sticking to some details, but at least they were making interesting choices that were somewhat responsible and respectful to the source material. There is a distinct difference between your favorite B list character getting a snub, and just completely ruining the spirit and through-line of several characters. Not to mention the anxiety readers felt that they were rushing past the story and George hadn't caught up to the material yet so very soon they'd be sailing the Ice & Fire ship into uncharted territory. But the GoT train couldn't be stopped and now we are far far far beyond the books.

Let’s talk about Season 6 knowing that I have barely any source material to compare it to.

       They continue (cringe) the Dorne "climax" by teleporting the two older Sandsnakes from the pier onto Trystane's boat and they kill him. Well at least that plot is over oh my goodness nope, they then kill Obeyrn's brother and somehow hill Hotah, this giant of a man, this protector of the Prince clad in Dornish mail, with a toothpick. They kill off Doran. Doran, Doran, the man with the plan. The conspiring, conciliatory prince playing the long game, arranging all these intricate schemes in order to put Dorne back on top. Just kill him cuz that's the best way to avenge your family...by murdering your husband's brother and nephew. Fuuuck okay fine. It's done for now. We can move on to the stories people actually give a sh!t about.

       Jon Snow is brought back to life. We all speculated it. We all theorized it. We now get to see a...really rather arbitrary reanimation sequence. Why did they cut his hair? Why was it Davos, the most skeptical of all skeptics to suggest it? Oh well he's back! In the prologue of Dance with dragons we are given this beautiful scene from the perspective of a wildling warg called Varamyr who is under attack by wights. Knowing he is about to die he tries to warg into a nearby spearwife called Thistle. She feels him in her mind and bites her tongue and gouges her eye out that he can't enter her because her mind is too chaotic. At the last moment he wargs into his wolf called One Eye and leaves the scene, watching thistle be torn apart by walkers. I believe this to be foreshadowing that Jon will warg into ghost in the books until Mal fills Jon with the lord of light using her blood magic. Jon will be semi corpse-y, much like Baric Dondorian. The one detail that bothers me about the show concerning the reanimation is that there is absolutely ZERO difference in pre and post-death Jon Snow. Same misanthropic, gloomy old Kit Harrington. Is he just a bad actor? Possibly, but he's also not given much to work with as far as opportunities go to showcase what's that thing called... Emotion. Maybe that could have been a better route--he becomes this cold, calculated stoneman, or Stoneheart, which makes it much easier for him to outsmart Ramsey. Jon has passed through the shadow and returned. He now understands his purpose. He is Ice & Fire personified. He is Azor Ahai, the Prince that was Promised. But instead the show writes it off like he just has surgery or something and he's just...fine...you were dead? Anything to write home about? Nope. Just darkness. God is Dead, this is all meaningless and this script was written without the guiding help of GRRM so it really has no idea what its audience wants. And thus spoke Zarathustra...

       A part of the show I really enjoyed was Bran learning his powers from the three eyed raven. All the time travelling goodies and young Ned and seeing the Tower of Joy sequence...yes yes yes more more more. It was a nice contrast with Arya's little adventure too...both our young Stark kids have their own separate little Mr. Miyagi montages so to speak. Okay so Arya's goes on a bit long and her little rivalry with the Waif became so dull it got me hoping Maryn f@cking Trant would come back and start trying to buy little girls to pleasure him again so at least something mildly interesting would happen. But finally Arya kills the Waif and throws her face at the foot of Mr. Jaqen H'gar Miyagi and tells him "I'm Arya Stark bitchhhh and I'm going home." Meanwhile Bran isn't going anywhere because he can't walk...but he can travel through time (and he will fly, but more on that later). SO it's through Bran that we learn the biggest secret of the show. The long awaited R+L=J theory is true. Rhaegar Targaryen, Dany's bro, sent Lianna Stark away to the Tower of Joy because she was pregnant with his kid. That kid is Jon Snow, whom Ned raises as his bastard, which explains Cat's disdain for the boy. So Rhaegar is killed at the battle of the Trident by Robert, Tywin opens the gates of King's Landing for the Northern Allies and Jaime murders King Aerys before he can set King's Landing on Fire and rise again from the ashes as a dragon. The Pieces have been put together at last. We also learn the origin of:

       HOLLLLLD THE DOOOOOOR

       HOLLLLL THE DOOOOOOOR

       HOOOOLLLDOOOOOR

       HOOOLDOR

       HODOR

       HODOR

       HODOR!

       Yeah that was my favorite episode. I mean there were many highlights: the Battle of the Bastards, the episode where we find the Hound alive, the episode where we find out that Coldhands= Benjen (though we don't know if that's true for the books)...but the Door, where we find out the origin of where the White walkers came from (to protect us from you!), and find out the origin of Hodor’s Hodoring...that was tops. RIP Leaf, Summer and Hodor. Basically, Bran can Warg into Hodor because he’s done it before, and so from that moment in the courtyard, Hodor is just having prophetic telekinesis with the moment of his death. This is some Bhahagavad Gita sh!t.

       Then we have the Cersei scandals and zombie Gregor doing her dirty work, and Margaery now facing her own walk of shame and the High Sparrow taking control of the city with religious dogma because Cercei doesn't read history and she armed the faith militant. P.S. how sh!t does Cersei feel knowing that Jaimie inadvertently got swept up into stopping Marg's walk of shame but he couldn't stop hers? ouch.  P.P.S Johnathan Price, Lena Headey and Natalie Dormer are such joys to watch and I'm a sucker for every second any one of them is on screen.  

       In Winterfell we get to watch Ramsey be Ramsey and feed fat Walda and her baby to his hounds, then Ramsey betrays his father the same way his father betrayed Robb. Booya bitch. Seriously pay attention to that. Tywin is killed with a crossbow just like the "band" he hired to play Rains of Castamere, Roose Bolton is stabbed in the chest the way he does Robb in, and Walder Frey's throat is cut in the season 6 finale by the faceless girl Arya the same way as Cat. Clever details. Also Reek and Sansa have escaped and Brienne saves them by being the badass she always is and swears her service to the Stark girl. Then Sansa and Reek--Theon again now actually-- part ways and he teleports to the Iron Islands for a quick little Kingsmoot where we finally meet the Greyjoy Uncles. Nope. Just Uncle. The show doesn't want Victarian, the Iron Captain to exist. Okay fine, it's enough characters as it is and it's winding down and all...but what else are we missing from Euron Crow’s Eye? Ah yes, his crow’s eye for one, the fact that he has a dragon egg in his possession, and the fact that he has in his possession a dragon horn in order to control Dany’s dragons. Show Euron appears to just be another wanked-up misogynist pirate Ironborn, but I'll look forward to him causing havoc in the upcoming season. They stay true to the books by having him build the largest fleet in Westeros. 1000 ships baby. Dany's fleet is in for a bit of a sh!t show. Speaking of Dany...

       We find her being taken to Vaes Dothrak by a bunch of @sshole Dothraki whose  first scene has this weirdly pithy undertone to it, like a buddy buddy Seth Rogen film that was about pillaging lands and raping women. Anyway while Dany is prisoner and given over to the Dosh Khaleen to live out her days as a former Khaleesi, Jorah and Daario are on a mission to find her, Tyrion and Very's are drinking and making horribly awkward small talk with Grey Worm and Missande, and Drogon is conveniently no place to be seen. So Dany burns down the temple with all the Khals in it and everyone rejoices as the smoking hot ( get ittt!) silver-haired Targaryen beauty stands before them unburnt. Again. Oh and naked. Again. All heads eventually bow down to worship her as their new leader...except Jorah, his eyes stay right on the prize, poor guy. After the craziness, Jorah professes his love for her and she's like "oh man...i value our friendship way too much, plus you have this gross skin disease... but if you find the cure I'll let you come back and do things for me again." So Ian Glen, bad@ss extraordinaire, heads off alone. Again. And Now Dany is ready to take back her city and squash the Sons of the Harpy once and for all. She does. The dragons destroy the blockade and then the Khalasar arrive to fend off the ground assault. The city belongs to her now, along with Tyrion, Verys, and this new priestess with more mystery and an equally -as- impressive rack as our dear OG Lord of Light babe, Malisandre. Don't pretend you didn't notice. They are then joined by Yara + Theon because Euron wants his family dead. Here is my interpretation of their meeting in Meereen:

       Tyrion: Hey Theon, remember when you made jokes about how small I was and now you have no cock? Who's small now?

       Theon: Okay that was like 5 seasons ago and we only had like 1 scene together and from what I remember we had a nice rapport? What do you want from me, I was ward of your rival house...

       Tyrion: You're probably right, but our writers have a hard time keeping relationships consistent.

       Dany: Why should we support your claim, dude whom I've never met?

       Theon: Not mine, hers. I've been turned into a useless dog by Ramsey so I'm pretty okay just standing meekly by my sister's side. She's the real balls of the Greyjoy line.

       Dany: OMG yaaaaas an Ironborn Sister Queeen?

       Yara: Bitch obvvvv

       Dany: Yaaaaaaaaas Queeeeeen!

       Yara: Yaaaaaassss--

       Theon: --Yara don't you think we should tell her about Euron?

       Yara: Oh. yeah. Our gross uncle who sails around and murders people for a living wants to f@ck you.

       Dany: Oh drag. Wait is he hot?

       Yara: Meh. But he wants to give you 1,000 ships as well as give you the D.

       Dany: Oh. Well that's nice. So is that what you're offering too?

       Yara: I mean, yeah I eat the p@ssy. Oh you mean the ships? Well we have good ones but he has a bigger fleet.

       Dany: I like bigger.

       Theon: Slut.

       Dany: Get mad bro, I don’t care, why should I trust you?      

       Yara: Because he doesn't give a sh!t about you. He won't love you like I love you. Wait, he won't love you like I love you. Maps.

      Dany: That was an obscure reference. But we need to end the season so I may just take you at your word...

       Yara: C'mooooon girl power.

       Dany: That's true. I do have horrendous daddy issues.

       Theon: Same.

       Yara: Double same.

       Tyrion: Triple same.

       Dany: Oh, you're still here Tyrion? Anyways I guess we can have an alliance. All the men I've ever known to be rulers in my short life span have been terrible, so by default, all men are terrible rulers and all women are good. So I like you.

    
   Yara: I agree. Girl power.

       Theon: I also agree. Did you guys see wonder woman?

        Tyrion: ...I take it none of you have met my sister?

...So the alliance was made...

     Back in King's Landing, Tommen abolishes trial-by-combat. Curses. No Clegane bowl. YET. So Cersei's plans are foiled. Time for her backup plan. Burn them all. Kaaaaaboooom the sept goes up in wildfire flame. Lancel dead. Pycel dead, Margaery (I’m crying with horrendous grief) dead, High Sparrow dead, Loras, Kevan, Mace, dead. Then Tommen, stricken with grief, jumps out the window. Talk about a King's Landing amirightttttttt. Okay anyways so Cersei is crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and all she had to do was murder every single person around her to do it. Jaime comes back from his adventures with the Blackfish who, again, needlessly dies because reasons, and Jaime doesn't not look too thrilled...

             So...The Starks take back Winterfell with the help of Littlefinger and the Vale army. Cool. Amazing battle episode though Ghost was missing in action. Jon is proclaimed the White Wolf, the King in the North. Side note: Lianna Mormont is amazing and house Mormont is forever the best Northern Loyalist house! Maybe Jorah will have a place to go once he finds the cure for Greyscale.   

       Dany sails to Westeros with Tyrion, Yara+ Theon. Oh and they are then joined by Lady Olanna whose bloodline has been destroyed and she wants to see house Lannister fall. She makes an alliance with the (barf) Dornish group of vengeful shrews and her, Very's, and the Sandsnakes all teleport over to Meereen to join Danny just so they can sail right back over to Westeros. K? Kool. Oh and Gendry is still happily rowing away from Dragonstone.

       Well there we have it! We are all caught up and ready for Season 7! I'm definitely excited, dear reader. If I have time I want to put a post out of my entire season 7  predictions , but either way I WILL be reviewing each episode so stay tuned! I know I can be glib and sardonic at times, but I truly do love the world of Ice and Fire and HBO's show. It's addictive and I don't think I would have just blathered on for like 6,000 words if it wasn't something incredibly important to me. I've been looking forward to this ending for a long time, and it will be very strange, even bittersweet to see it's conclusions begin to unravel. Funny that bittersweet is the way George RR Martin described the way the books would (theoretically) end. Snooze you loose though Georgie, you get to watch the dudes who wrote Troy starring Brad Pitt, tell how your story ends. (Actually, I kind of love that movie alot.) I bet that paycheck is super nice though...more than I can claim to have ever accomplish. Let the Song of Ice and Fire be sung!!! Winter is Here! Dragons are Here!!!

-CjM  

GoT Season 7 Episode 1 Review and Predictions.

Dear Reader,


Here we are at the beginning of the end. Here at last on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil...Wait wrong story...

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 7 HAS OFFICIALLY ARRIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     
        It's been a long-awaited few months, as HBO pushed production back so they could spend more time filming amazing battle scenes and dragons and (I'm assuming ) giving Lord George of House RR Martin more time to finish his books. It's my personal theory that George is pushing himself with his dear friends Elio Garcia and Linda Antonsson, who Co-Authored The World of Ice and Fire, which I use as a coffee table book to reference Ice & Fire history and argue with people about Game of Thrones, to not just finish Winds of Winter but to also finish book 7, A Dream of Spring. I have a lot of theories okay, don't judge me. I'm totally normal and not at all dorky and in desperate need of a love life. This, of course is a terribly Naive, and embarrassingly optimistic theory, but hey...wishful thinking! Really I wanted to use this tinfoil-hat theory  as a catalyst to introduce you to some of my (actual) theories on how this great TV juggernaut is going to captivate us with its second to last season! In this post I'm going to go over what happened in the first episode of Season 7,as well as post my predictions of how the season is going to end. I'm so pumped. Okay, lets just jump into it.

Avast, ye mates of the Iron Fleet!! There be Dragons and SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

        We start as we always do, the static fuzzing and choral calling of HBO's title screen just to get the hairs on the backs of our neck standing up. Then we go right into a cold open of Walder Frey, (whom last season we recall being cut open after eating some of his nephews in a pie) at a lovely dinner with all his next of kin.  He's toasting the defeat of House Stark and reminiscing of good old times when the Freys and Boltons butchered their fellow Northerners at the Red Wedding. Then he starts getting super cryptic and we realize something is amiss. The wine they toasted with has, indeed, been poisoned. Slainte! After all the Frey darlings have blown out their last chunks of blood, Walder reveals himself to actually be a faceless assassin: Arya Stark. She keeps the two girls (one, assumingly being Walder's new 12 year old wife) alive and tells them to spread the word that the North remembers. Killer.

        My thoughts: It looks like D&D are giving us their own version of Lady Stoneheart through the Stark's youngest daughter. Traveling around the Riverlands and hunting Freys. Or at least I hope.

Then we get our precious open credit sequence.

        Up at the Wall we see the new Lord Commander, Dolorous Edd just casually opening the doors even though there's an army of the dead fast approaching, It's fine. Look, there's a woman carrying a sled person! It's Bran and Meera Reed! So Bran tells Edd that he's a Stark and he's allowed to come join the Night's Watch. I need to point out that it took Bran 3 seasons to get to the three eyed Raven and then 1 episode to get all the way back down to the wall. Maybe "going north" was all uphill and "going south" is going downhill and they just rode the sled all the way back down? Whatever D&D have never cared about keeping travel distance accurate in the world of Westoros. Varys went from Meereen to Dorne to Meereen again in like a span of 45 minutes show time and Little Finger also seems to have trap doors whenever he needs to be places like Molestown. I've accepted it and decided to just turn my brain off at this point.

        The next segment we see that King's Landing is creating some great labor jobs: painting a giant map of Westeros in a lovely open causeway. Plenty of morning light and glorious archways to boot in the nicest section of the city... but it looked like it was an open roof, no? So I guess when the sun sets, that's it! Time to clock out from the war! Ehh details. So the new Queen of Westeros is going to be so feng shui-ed as she plans her war. Then her and her twin brother Jaime go over how basically they have no friends, and the ones they do were blown to bits. There are so many questions that they just don't address in this scene. What happened to the Tyrell forces in  the city? I know Olena (or, that old c@nt, as Cersei refers to her) ran off before her grand daughter's trial, but you can't tell me she took the entire Frey army with her, or did I miss that? Also, annoyingly, Jaime chooses to finally have a line with substance and brings up the death of his son. "We never talked about Tommen--" he says meekly. AND WE ARE NOT GOING TO BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING. Forget that your sweet, impressionable son, a victim of some pretty dark statutory rape as well as dogmatic religious influence, has killed himself; and you are directly responsible. Cersei just simply dusts it off and shoves a goblet of wine to her lips. Cool, so that plot point is dead, is that what you're saying? The Lannisters, it appears are all by their lonesome. Perfect time for some long awaited incest I guess? Especially if we are going to ignore the terrorist attack you are also directly responsible for...? No, no time for twincest, there's work to be done! Cersei has been on social media posting about how she's super hot and powerful and seriously looking for...a suitor? A new b!tch to do her bidding? But she already has Jaime to bounce her exposition off of, right? Well she's already gotten a response from someone: The new kid in town with a new Kingship and the largest armada of ships that the world has ever seen: Euron F@cking Greyjoy.

        My thoughts: Very excited for Euron, still butthurt about what they've done (or haven't done) with Jaime Lannister. They gave Euron a much needed makeover. Sexified black leather, haircut, and a general swagger and bravado that was sorely missing last season. This is (at least closer to) the Euron that I read about: the feared, unstable pirate shrouded with mystery with ambitions to conquer the world. So he proposes a marriage to Cersei, much to Jaime's objection, but she rejects Euron in kind because she's smart and likes to toy. But he knows power when he sees it and respects it. He proposes that he will bring her a gift worthy of her in exchange for her hand. Speaking of hand, Euron is very open about taking shots at the Kingslayer and it's kind of great. Euron will most likely be the new villain of the season, the actor seems comfortable in the role and we've barely scratched the surface of the depraved, violent nature of the Ironborn. While Dany would seek to kowtow Yara and her brave Ironborn, Cersei will unleash the madness of Euron and his fleet of 1,000 ships.

        At Winterfell we see another meeting of all the Northern Houses. This is a setup scene for some drama. Right off the bat, Sansa questions Jon's decisions to forgive the offenses of house Umber and Karstark, and the little lord and lady of the respective houses pledge their loyalty to the Starks. Now, to an extent, I agree with Sansa. These houses betrayed the Starks and fought against them on the battlefield, but dissension among rank is a d!ck move especially in front of the other lords. With Little Finger in Winterfell scheming away, it's likely to get very messy between the siblings.

        My thoughts: The Starks bring up Jeoffery and Cersei respectively and Sansa was fully aware of A: how vindictive and cruel a ruler Jeoffery was and B: How manipulative Cersei can be. She's learned much, and she's right, people shouldn't just blindly follow a leader, but be able to question their decisions because speaking truth to power is important. But! Being around all these viscous and ambitious political leaders: Cersei, Jeoff, Ramsey, Littlefinger... has clearly warped her in some way. So Jon decides to man the Castles of the now forgiven houses again with the respective houses that betrayed him, forging new loyalty (I'd still probably keep a ward as hostage) and then decides that it's a good idea to arm children to fight the army of the dead, that's fine. If every girl on Bear Island is like Jeor, Jorah, and Liana, I think we'll be okay...but what about the other Northern houses? Anyways Jon also decides that the Wall needs to be manned by the Wildlings because irony is cool (and Tormond is loyal and very familiar with the terrain after climbing it, killing Crows beyond it, etc...) so we've got some good setup for some upcoming battle tactics. Side Note. Look at the hairdo Sansa is sporting and tell me it's not eerily similar to early season Cersei. I smell controversy.

        The next scene opens with a song being sung about cold hands, kisses, and hands of gold. The singer is pop artist Ed Sheeran, and the world explodes with love juice and rage and they feel like "how dare we break the fourth wall with an out-of-place person even though we've done plenty of musical cameos throughout the show with Sigur Ros and drummer from Coldplay" -- so whatever. I will admit that it was distracting with all the gratuitous ginger close-ups-- because the song he was singing is actually of some significance. It's written (in the books) by Simon Silver Tongue--a singer who knew of the Hand of the King's secret love affair with a prostitute. This Golden Hand of the King choked the life out of the one he loved. Isn't there another Lannister with a hand of gold-- hmmmmm...
        So Ed, playing a Lannister soldier serenades us with Hands of Gold as Arya rides up to sit with (luckily) the only Lannister soldiers to ever exhibit human decency. This is a fantastic scene. It contains within it detailed human qualities that serve to paint the world of Westeros a variety of colors other than the medieval nihilist pornography that D&D know we love to wallow in. She feels all tingly inside, maybe from her heart coming to terms with the human side of war, like being trapped in the trenches with a Nazi and having to huddle together for warmth... or maybe the tingles are coming from her breeches because of Ed Sheeran's silky sooth singing. We'll never really know. Either way. Arya made some Lannister fraaaaands.

       Let's see...the Brotherhood without Banners is traveling north. Thoros of Myr is still an alcoholic and the Hound hates hipster haircuts. This particular sequence with Baric and Sandor and Thoros stuck out to me as far as cinnamon...cina...cinematography goes. I'm a sucker for dark snowy cabin scenes by the fire. The Hound, a known skeptic of religion has seemingly found some version of what one might call faith, or empathy, or humanity at the very least. He buries some bodies and is seemingly affected by their death. "I'm sorry you're dead," -- Brother Sandor of the Three Dog Shield. D&D love writing for this character and it shows.
        Side Note: Can confirm The Hound burying these bodies, like he did in season 6 with his group of sweetly shirefolk, totally means that Brienne's gravedigger was indeed Sandor in the books. Nice little nod there, show runners. Then the Hound see's some lovely visions in the fire and the brotherhood heads for Eastwatch by the Sea.

        Sam has signed himself up for the sh!ttiest internship (HA! PUNS!) known to man. The fat boy who faints at any sight of blood, Sam the Slayer, is now cleaning out chamber pots and pouring out stew until eventually they all run together. The Oldtown sequences thus far have a very unique, very playful wonder to them. So Sam is working on a dead body with Maester Marwyn whom I've been very excitedly waiting to see. He's the mad scientist of Oldtown, quite possibly the most learned man in Westeros, and he has many secrets surrounding him. This character has, I believe, a big part to play in the wars to come, but for now he is seemingly a skeptic, and Sam is told not to go into the restricted section of the library, and it's super weird because the actor portraying Marwyn is also in Harry Potter so now we have to wear that genre-crossing inception hat.
        So Sam puts on his cloak of invisibility and decides to systematically steal some books. On his way around the corridors, (There are students out of bed mister Finch!) suddenly Walder Frey pops out and scares Sam the Slayer, ahhhh too much genre crossing! No it's actually Jorah, dying slowly from Greyscale in a cell, who has presumably donated his body to science. He's asking about the Dragon Queen like some nutcase homeless man preaching on the streets. So Sam's gotta find the secret to beat the White Walkers and he thinks he may be on to something that STANNIS LITERALLY ALREADY TOLD HIM. Dragonstone is a mountain made of Obsidian. So let's get mining! Wow, contractors making maps in King's Landing, Stronger boarder security at the Wall, potential mineral mining on Dragonstone, Westeros's leaders have some seriously great job-plan initiatives, I don't know who to pledge my vote to...I'll have to check out their stance on protecting Greyscale-infected neighborhoods and keeping foreign invaders out of my lands. #Greylivesmatter #Buildthewall #WightfreeWesteros.

        Okay so Dragonstone. Let's go there. Cut to Dany and her fleet FINALLY Landing on the shores of Westeros. Oh Dany, I remember when you were just a naked blonde bargaining chip sold to a viscous Dothraki savage with big muscles and guy-liner...how far we've come. So Dany and her (some old some new) advisers climb the steps of Dragonstone, where her forebears first landed many many years ago and took over Westeros on the backs of three dragons...ahhhhhh Narrative Parallels are so satisfying. So we have Cersei and her lovely new map-tiled war room, and Dany taking down Stannis' flaming hearted Stag and setting up at the Stone table where we watched Stannis the Mannis succumb to dark magic again and again. There are no rightful King's anymore...only takers.

        So there we have it, kids, The board is set...the pieces are moving, to end things with a quote from Gandalf the same way I began. The theme of this post is apparently 'crossing genres.' Remember when Ed Sheeran sang that song about Smaug for the credits of the second Hobbit  movie?? See it all comes together! Oh, you didn't see the Desolation of Smaug? Alright I'll see myself out.

  EP 1 is in the books, dear reader.

AND NOW ... Predictions of up-and-coming events based upon the ep 2 teaser, and also my educated guesses on the the long game: WARNING. I'm very informed and f@cking good at this stuff, so I may ruin the whole season for you.

Arya: She jokes about going to kill the Queen (Cersei), and while that's obviously her intent, she'll get distracted. On the road she's going to run into an old friend. Nymeria, her Direwolf. It's going to happen. the she-wolf is going to be wreaking havoc in the Riverlands.

Jon: Jon will receive a whole bunch of letters. Word from Sam about Dragonstone. Word from Edd that his brother is at Castle Black. Word will also reach Winterfell about the Dragon Queen and the Northern Council will bicker about whether or not they can be trusted. Lord Royce of the Vale is wise and battle hardened, and he will voice disdain for the Targaryen cause. Jon will want to go to Castle Black and see Bran because he prefers adventure rather than ruling and will eventually leave Sansa in command of Winterfell and ripe to be manipulated by Littlefinger if the Lords of Winterfell and Brienne can't offer her enough support. Targs being on Dragonstone and Starks knowing of the obsidian mountains may lead to an eventual friendship.

Dany: The Targaryen Banners flying from Dragonstone. They are going to want to act fast. I't will be interesting to listen to her advisers who all have very different ideas concerning war. Yara will want to attack fast and hard on the battlefield, the Martells will want to act out their revenge, Olena will want to reach out to Highgarden and gather allies, Tyrion will want to plan a cautious but effective power move that weakens the Lannisters while strengthening the Targ cause...and Verys will have already known everything there is to know and bring in a new variable into the fold. But all these plans will be interrupted when...

Euron attacks: This gift  I imagine to be one of two things. In the books, we learn that Euron is not only in possession of a petrified dragon egg, (You need fire, and the blood of my blood to hatch a dragon, as far as I'm concerned) but he also has with him Dragonbinder: a horn that was used to control dragons. So, bad@ss Pirate Euron will attack Dragonstone and use the Dragonbinder to control one of the Dragons. I believe the gift he may be speaking of is that he wants to capture one of the dragons and give it to Cersei...but will it be dead or alive?

Bran: Within the safety of Castle Black, Bran will offer us some insight concerning the advancing White Walker Army. That shot of the army of the dead approaching was EPIC. There is magic in the Wall and I believe Bran will learn of the magic within, just as he learned about Hodor...is Bran actually Bran the Builder? Is the Wall filled with magic because Bran puts the magic inside the Wall? does he make a mistake or learn of a fatal flaw within the Wall? Does he try and fix the flaw and thus create the flaw, making his own prophecy come true? Speaking of prophecy...

Cersei + Jaime: Jaime is mad about Euron, but his sister assures him he has nothing to worry about (Lies.) She sends him to Highgarden to bring the remaining Tyrells to bend the knee or die. She needs people either out of the way, or on her side. Who is left in King's Landing to oppose her now that all her enemies within the capital are gone...or are they? From the looks of the Ep 2 trailer, it's going to be chalk full of meetings and politics. I believe Cersei will blame the Wildfire terror attack on the Targaryens in order to rally the people of Westeros (or King's Landing at least) to her side. Eventually of coarse, the Lannisters will meet the Targaryens in the open field of battle.

Sam, Gilly + Jorah: This one is interesting. Sam needs to uncover the secrets of the WW, possibly about the secrets of glass candles  and obsidian. I believe that defeating the White Walkers will come at a price, because Westeros will soon be burning from Dragonfire, and that's bad. Let us not forget that the children of the forest created the White Walkers to defend themselves against a great threat...the Doom of Valyria brought with it disaster. So. Overwhelmed with anxiety about the coming threat and not being prepared, Sam will freak out and Gilly will offer to take on some of his internship duties in secret. Passing Jorah's corridor, I believe she or Sam will take an interest in Jorah's stories of the Dragon Queen and his affliction. He, out of desperation for a cure for his Greyscale will pass it on to either Gilly, or her son Sam jr. Sam the Slayer will be moved to find a cure out of desperation and Jorah will travel to cure himself and will be faced with a choice: Return to Oldtown with whatever ingredients are needed to save Gilly/Sam jr, or return to his Queen and fight by her side.

Also Yara and Ellaria totally make out. Nice.

Well, I'm excited to see what we have in store and to see how many of my predictions are on the money. Just now I've decided not to predict the season's endings until the end of next week just to have a bit more insight. I'm looking forward to rewatching this episode though, as far as "season openers," it had a lot of really great moments!

Winter has officially begun. See you next week!

-CjM           



                   
     

                 

 

Random Thoughts on Racism, Intersectional Whining, and Why Stand-Up Comics Need Not Give a Shit If They Offend You.

Dear Reader,

I bet you thought I was done. I bet you thought I had abandoned you, that I no longer cared about writing or art or self-expression. I bet you thought I had given up.

Naaaaa I doubt you gave two sh!ts, I'm sure you got your own thaaang going on. You do you, I'll do me. Anyways I've been getting a ton of writing done on a new project after I finished a little novellette. I'm thinking of self publishing it, because who the hell publishes novellettes anymore amiright? Anyways I'm really excited about my new project so I've been barraling into it headlong and not giving a Fluuuuck about you or any of my other projects for that matter. Plus I figured that absence makes the heart grow stronger, so it will really improve our sex life (you know, depraved butt stuff, that type of thing). Okay gross. Moving on.

        So much has happened since I last wrote to you. I'm working at a Theater here in the cozy little Berkshires, I feel like I might have already told you that, however. I've also joined the gym again and have to say, I haven't felt this physically fit and energetic and motivated since I was in college and used to wake up at 7:30 to meet with a friend of mine. The colloquial wisdom offered by so many before me has it right: wake up early, make your bed, eat something (ANYTHING. I can't tell you how long I've been opposed to breakfast, my stomach never never is in the mood for it) and then get in some exercise to start your day. I don't know if you know this but I was born with a very serious heart condition. Anyways I'm lucky to be here and lucky to have a family willing to have done everything they could for me so that I might grow and flourish.

        Well, I'm 27 now (had a birthday since I last wrote in this thing) and realized that if I don't get in shape now, I'll be setting the course for a nice little heart attack at 55 and I don't want that -- I have so much to accomplish that I need to keep this thing ticking! So yeah, I'm looking dead sexy and getting more writing done than I have in some time and making good money. It's about damn time.

        Enough pleasantries though, lets talk about some social issues and get our hands dirty with some polarizing opinions and condescending rants!

        Stand-Up comedy. I'm a huge fan of stand-up mainly because I consider myself witty and disgusting enough to have dreamed about doing it. However, like 99% of us, I'm a coward and (even though I went to school for performing) am deathly afraid of not having my material enjoyed. This, I feel to be a normal challenge that any human faces who thinks about any number of public speaking ventures: giving speeches, etc. Anyway It's one of my (personally) highest respected art forms.

        Let's be clear about something. There IS a line when it comes to comedy, and that line is always subjective. What offends you may not offend me and vice-versa. But we must uphold and protect the FREEDOM to offend. The best of the best of stand-up comedians, through anecdotes, through metaphor and ironic happenstance, through the formulaic setup up, false end, awkward pause, and gut-busting punch line, are crafting... what again class? Oh yes, JOKES. These are not vindictive pathologies and manifesto-type calls to arms, these are human thoughts, observations and insecurities being unravelled and exposed in sometimes eloquent, sometimes crass manners.

        Recently there has been controversy over some Stand-Up specials and normally I just let people have their dumb fucking hyper-sensitive opinions about things, but you've come after some of my heroes with your trite, psedo-intellectual checklist of social conformity. Just keep moving the goal posts over until nobody can joke about anything except what their vagina smells like and why they have a problem with Trump. As if it's some BRAVE fucking stance to take up in telling everybody that you don't like the current Asshat-in-Chief.  Kill me now, I'm fed up with this culture. And we won't learn. We won't grow up. We won't accept that freedom of expression is meant for EVERYONE and not just people that align with our liberal values or our christian values or whatever the fuck people want to preach about. Go sort your shit out and then come back and join the rest of us adults who just want to take the piss out of life's brevity before we check out.

         I'm certainly not the first to say that there is an epidemic of professionally offended sycophants and "bigoteers" out there, and while they have the right to criticize, their opinions have become so militant and off the deep end, it's no longer a surprise to me why so many people reject the idea of the "modern progressive." You're all in a fucking cult, that's why, and I'm thankful every day that their are still people out there who laugh at you. Unfortunately though, there are also people that take your unending, predictable hyperbolic noise as a threat, and believe it or not don't like being told what and how to think and feel and take offense to and believe in and vote for. So they vote against the candidate that they feel represents this type of thought-policing, this type of malignant political correctness. Call it paranoia call it ignorant and uneducated, call it whatever you need to make yourself feel better, or validate your sanctimoniousness, but we supposedly live in a sovereign nation, and people don't like being labelled an enemy simply because they won't fall in line with your hyper-sensitive histrionics. Gee, and we wonder why we lost the house, senate and presidency to a gang of milk-toast cartoon villains. We're tearing down even our own ALLIES who dare step out of line with a thought that makes us have to use our brains for a second, and we treat stand-up comics as though they are up on stage running for office. I understand that it's confusing because our politics have become some sort of hollowed-out game show, but comedians are here to entertain, and politicians are here to lead... not vice-versa!

Let's take Dave Chappelle's recently released Netflix Specials.

        Dave took something like a "12 year hiatus from comedy," to do human things such as have a family, and live in a quietly quaint progressive mountain town where people didn't relentlessly run up to him shouting "Y'all got any of that crack cocaine?" and "I'M RICK JAMES, BITCHHH!" Anyways he came back with a bang and made a deal with Netflix to do three comedy specials for 60 million dollars. That's $20,000,000 an hour for anyone counting with a bitter taste in their mouth because you (like me) have to check your bank account to make sure you can afford to get a soda with your popcorn at the movies. "Well I got paid this morning, but this has to last me two weeks and I think my car insurance is due this pay period and fuck, my loans too... dammit! Screw this, I should have just stayed home and watched Dave Chappelle's comedy specials." Meanwhile your date is staring at you because you've been speaking out loud this entire time.

        I digress. Chappelle came under fire from a lot of... shall we say... darlings... out of some particularly sensitive and historically disenfranchised communities. Of note, Chappelle taking a glib view of how his wife's gay friends are always on about some cause (taking the words "husband and wife" out of marriage certificates, a pretty sensible thing considering the state of marriage equality) and his JOKE is to say "listen, take it from someone who's been there and SLOW DOWN. Just figure out which one of you is gayer, and that's the wife!" This joke is well crafted, but I shouldn't have to defend it. Chappelle is a man who brought more conversation, change, and progress to this country (racially speaking) than any uptight columnist's predictably offended rhetoric could dream of achieving. My advise, I'm talking to my circle of "socially-concious"(hyper aware and overly critical) liberal friends now, is to let the little fish go so that we can save our strength for the big fish.We may just bring the average voter back to our side. People will come around. Progress takes time. Stop being intolerable, white-knight narcissists.  Dave Chappelle, of all people, is not the enemy, he's just having a go at people in general that drag their politics around with them everywhere they go, it's just that in this instance, it happens to be a conversation with a gay person.

         The frustrating part, I find, in so many of these criticisms of Chappelle and countless other comedians, is that they are ironically riddled with pathological identity politics and a constant call to a victimhood hierarchy. "Straight black man" "Cisgendered" "older generation" are among the labeled hurled out at Dave to relay to you the idea that he's in a position of power, and therefore isn't "woke" if he decides to make insensitive observations about things. Rarely though, is he labelled "Comedian," I've noticed, a rather important detail considering. The best of the irony though, and I'll use a rubric from Chris rock, who once famously said "I love black people man, but I hate n*ggas," is to talk about what they do, not who they are. This is exactly the kind of quintessential law that Chappelle follows in his comedy, and exactly what these critiques DON'T do. Chappelle uses specific examples about how his friends can sometimes act ridiculous, he crafts jokes riddled with irony and astute observations on the absurdity of some particular people in some particular communities.

"I know hard n*ggas from Brooklyn that walk around in heals just to get passed over by the cops."

"It turns out that the Q in LGBTQ means questioning, it's for gay dudes that don't really know they're gay. You know. Like prison f@gs."

        The criticisms of these jokes mostly come from activist pseudo-celebs whose only platform has risen out of thought policing, and assuming that anyone from any historically or otherwise disenfranchised communities must not have senses of humors, and they get to deem what "punching up" means in a worldly context, despite never having tried to make people laugh for a living. Never having to try and please millions and millions of people all at once.
          So instead of dissecting why the jokes don't work ( perhaps because they DOo, Davie??) He is met, again, with boring, character-assassinating labels like "privileged" and "out of touch," that might as well just say "he's rich and old so his opinion and humanity is lesser of value now."
         There are a lot of things I can't stand about the condemnation of humor, but the terms "privileged," and "out of touch" are the most blatant attempts to misrepresent someone that I can think of.  Having hypothetical privilege DOES have some context into your socioeconomic existence, but when it comes to criticizing art, this vague, abstract concept of privilege has no f@cking place in a conceptual critique of someone's work. Criticize the content, don't throw out some ad hominem bullsh!t just because YOU and your stupid, stuck-up friends don't find something funny.  Or, to repeat Chris Rock, Talk about what they do, not who they are. Your political, sexual, racial identity should have no bearings onto the content you create, and by labeling a successful black man privileged, you are subtly implying that success is nothing to emulate, and it's something that should not be aspired to.    
        I find the same problem with the label "out of touch." This, again, subtly applying that being older means you no longer have a valid opinion. As if to imply that once a person turns 40, they lose the right to be relevant, and should be dragged outside like the useless animal they are and be put down. As though him leaving Hollywood to raise a family in Cincinnati is the same as him wandering around aimlessly in the mountains for 12 years. They don't have phones and the internet in Cincinnati? They don't have social issues in Cincinnati? This Bullsh!t rhetoric (typical of the left, sorry but it's true) is the same type of myopic rhetoric that disenfranchises voters because you sound like a patronizing @ssbag when you tell someone they are "out of touch" because they disagree with your politics.  There are bigger battles to be fought than swooning over a "transphobic" joke. When you attempt to present jokes as statements, you are walking into dangerous territory.

Let's talk about a context where another "joke" from (again) a comedian got gobbled up. In this instance we deal with a slightly more outraged reaction and even a backlash and apology: Bill Maher said n*gga in an interview.

Interviewer: You aught to come work in the fields with us some time, Bill.

Bill: Wooo work in the fields? Hey, I'm a house n*gga!

        Now, I'm not personally offended by this, not just because I'm white, but because I don't virtue signal. There were plenty of (black ) professionals coming out in Maher's defense saying that they weren't offended BUT there were plenty who were. Let's be clear, the people in the black community who were offended by Maher's flippant use of a racial slur to refer to himself as a slave, have every right to be upset, even angry. This, ladies and gentlemen, is THE LINE, from which I mentioned earlier. Comedy is about finding the line, drawing attention to the line, dry humping it a bit, and easing people into not minding whether or not you cross it. My comments, of course, being hindsight, but much of why this joke isn't funny, to be honest, comes from the setup and delivery of the joke itself. It was crass, grating, and had no sense of humor behind it other than to say "Hey, blacks were slaves once, remember!" Yeah it was just a lame joke, and that I think is why the witch hunt was so easily justified. White liberal comedians have used the N word before, they'll do it again... but in the context of the interview, in the context of the joke... it just didn't get a laugh. (For examples of other jokes that don't get laughs that aren't equipped with dangerous racial slurs, see: any monologue from Late Night with Jimmy Fallen)
        This joke of course brought up the ever tired conversation of "Who is allowed to say what words." Are there some groups of people who should just never use a particular word ever, no questions asked? Or should we all just stop giving such atomic power to language and just let people express themselves the way they want. Well, the answer is both, really. Nobody should dictate what words we are allowed to use, but we should also be weary of our history, our current climate, our open wounds that still persist in some communities, and the platform to which we are speaking from. I can't imagine a context where any of us would HAVE to spout out a racial slur unless in some malevolent meeting with a bunch of other bigots, BUT most of us would, I think be a bit miffed if there was some legislation passed preventing certain groups of people from using certain words. No. Just have tact with your jokes, and be polite in public. In Maher's case, of course, like Chappelle, he is seeking for any and all opportunities to get a laugh, a groan, a chuckle, and it isn't as if he were attacking and referencing a particular person (other than his own white @ss) so I understand that the issue needed to be dealt with, but ultimately, the actual act was harmless other than in hypothetical context.  Being humorous and edgy while also being respectfully polite and empathetic to every intersectional social group is impossible and you will always offend someone, but at the expense of a damn good joke, it's always worth offending. But, to reference Dave Chappelle, which is how I got on this tangent in the first place..."It takes more than a word to break the modern black man." All that being said, Maher, we all make mistakes, and I feel (though my opinion means d!ck in this sort of conversation) it was good that he apologized for his off-the-cuff slur.
        For references to Whites using the N word with care, context, and brilliant humor, see Louis CK's rant on white lady reporters inceptioning his brain when they say "the N word" when he really knows them to be saying N*gger. "Don't hide behind the first letter like a F@ggot, just say N*gger you stupid c@nt. You're making me say it!" Or when Randy Marsh on South Park is given N_GGERS on a wheel of fortune game with the hint "people who annoy you." He doesn't guess the correct word, which is naggers.  These two examples of racial slur wordplay are cutting and smart and absolutely hysterical.  (For references on whites using the N word without care, context or brilliant humor, see Micheal Richard's ranting buffoonery during a laugh factory special.) "All I think of now when I see this sign is Micheal Richards f@ckin' up" says Dave Chappelle when he did the laugh factory.       
        Speaking of Comedians f@cking up, Kathy Griffin made headlines for holding up a bloodied head of Trump. This is another instance of crossing the line. What are you saying with this piece? You want to behead the president? Oh, okay, that won't get you in trouble at all. Good for you Kathy. I mean sure, express your distaste for the man, he's an uninspiring maggot with an IQ as low as his approval rating, that's for sure, but AGAIN, there is a line in (comedy? Terrible modern art? Photography?) And you cross it when you appear to threaten the most power man in the world's life. Now let's be clear, like Maher, like Chappelle, I'm all for Kathy to have freedom of expression, but in this climate, there are consequences.
        Now, for those of you ready to point out that Griffin, a woman, suffered far more consequences as a woman, than did Chappelle and Maher, both men, you are grossly over simplifying the situation.

 A. She will lose her new years gig and some other endorsements because she works for networks that depend on viewership. Maher and Chappelle made deals with companies that depend on subscribers only.

B. Maher and Chappelle made not-threatening jokes and references to large GROUPS of hypothetical people with anecdotes, Kathy plastered a direct quote from a single, specific person, the president, while holding a mangled sculpture of his head

Did I get a chuckle out of every single one of these Comedian's self expression? You bet. Was there clear differences in the levels to which they each provoked responses? You bet. Do I respect the hell out of anyone brave enough to speak their mind and try to make light, or bring attention to something that is on their mind. You f@cking bet I do.

       That being said, You don't get to spout off opinions, however well crafted or crude, without pissing people off... so is that the point? That there will always be people getting offended by brash commentators? And that there will always be people ready to provoke the hyper-sensitive? Am I just projecting my fear of expression onto these comedians who, let's be honest, probably get off on the controversy surrounding their work? Maybe the world is too small now, and maybe too many opinions can be a bad thing, or maybe EVERYONE, comedians, audiences, critiques, BLOGGERS who, at this point have probably gone on way too long, ALL just need to let the little fish go. Everyone just have a laugh and stop taking themselves too seriously. I think that's the answer, dear reader.  


Peace for now, it's good to be back.

-CjM


Oh ps. I'm done with political tirades because they exhaust me. I'm going to make predictions for the upcoming GOT season and then subsequently REVIEW EACH EPISODE OF SEASON ON HERE WoOOOoOOo!! So until next time, dear reader. I'm out!